


Life on Life's Terms

by insomniacjams



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Excessive Cuddling, I BLAME THE DIMPLES, I got persuaded by the dimples, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2013-10-11
Packaged: 2017-12-29 02:05:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacjams/pseuds/insomniacjams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff Skinner suffers a career-ending injury before his career is given a chance to begin. This is what happens in the year that follows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life on Life's Terms

**Author's Note:**

> Holden Sound is a fictional town, population 12 000.  
> It is located on the coast of northern British Columbia, Canada (about four hours south of the Alaskan border).
> 
> This story takes place in 2010.
> 
> A huge thanks to [AndromedianQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndromedianQueen/profile) and [accidentallymelted](http://archiveofourown.org/users/accidentallymelted/pseuds/accidentallymelted) for being my betas and ALLY for making me these two beautiful banners:
> 
>  
> 
>  

It happened on a Thursday, which in hindsight is a strange thing to remember. Jeff can't remember much from that day at all except the excruciating, gut-wrenching pain followed by the spine-tingling numbness in his right side.

"You were screaming bloody murder," Steven says. His hands are clenched tight at his sides; his feet shuffle from side to side. He hates hospitals- he doesn't have to say it, because Jeff can see it in his face. "What happened, man?"

"The nurses won't tell me," Jeff sighs, "but I can't feel anything on the right side of my body, and my mom was whispering something about surgery to Erica this morning."

"I'm sorry man; I didn't mean to hit you so hard," Steven says, and he looks so uncomfortable on the too-small blue plastic chair Jeff feels bad for him.

"Go home, Stammer. Don't wreck yourself over this. I should learn to keep my head up if I'm ever going to make it to the big leagues, right? That's what you always tell me. Anyway, we both had a bit too much to drink and we were being pretty reckless out there. One of us was bound to get hurt."

"Yeah, it sucks it was you though," Steven says, and when he leaves, he only looks over his shoulder at Jeff once, which is an improvement; earlier when he'd left for the cafeteria to fetch coffee, he'd kept looking back as if to make sure Jeff was still there, immobile in his bed.

Not too long after Steven leaves, a doctor in a white coat and wiry glasses steps into Jeff's room. He goes through the procedures- asks Jeff his name, birthdate and about how he's feeling. "I can't feel my right side," Jeff says, and he knows Steven is too nice to mention it, but when he talks he can't get the words to sound right. "I also can't talk."

Actually, he sounds kind of like his tongue is swollen, but it's not, it's fine. He just can't make the N sound very well.

"In most cases, numbness and speech difficulties are temporary side effects. We'll keep an eye on them, but they should fade with time."

"What happened to me?" Jeff asks, and the doctor frowns before opening his folder.

"On Thursday, January 7th, an ambulance was called because you were severely injured in a knee-on-knee hit during a game of pond hockey with your friends. En route to the hospital, you had an ischemic stroke in your left hemisphere, for reasons yet to be determined.

"What you are feeling now are lingering side effects of the stroke: speech difficulties, short-term memory loss, and numbness on the right side of the body... What you will be feeling once these side effects pass is the torn ACL and MCL in your knee."

Jeff pales because he's a hockey player- he knows what that means. That means surgery, maybe even multiple surgeries. It means weeks of rehabilitation and physiotherapy. It means he may not be able to play hockey again.

His parents visit him after he's moved into a different room. His roommate is a sleeping old man with a bad case of tonsillitis who snores like a firecracker.

"They're performing the surgery tomorrow," his mom says. The numbness is starting to fade, and the pain is filtering in like sunshine through the blinds on a sunny morning- blinding, and unwelcome.

"Oh," Jeff says. "Okay."

"We'll be at work, but I think Erica and Andrea will be here."

"I'm not dying," Jeff grumbles, but he doesn't object when his mother rolls her eyes.

"Jeff, they will be here."

"Okay." Jeff closes his eyes, and wishes they would leave so he could sleep. "I'm going to rest now."

Steven comes back an hour before Jeff's supposed to go for his surgery the next day. "How's the news?"

"I don't know if I'll be able to skate again," Jeff says. He gives a few finer details, but for the remainder of the hour they're mostly silent. Jeff reaches out and Steven takes his hand. Jeff doesn't know why- it's the first time he's held hands with anybody, but he doesn't say that.

Instead, he just lies there in his bed like he's going to his own funeral and tries to squeeze Steven's hand best he can with the weakened grip of his right side.

The surgery goes well in all respects. He's in and out of the operating room in what the nurses tell him is "record time" which worries Jeff, because he thinks accuracy has always been more important than speed.

Steven's still loitering around the hospital when they drop him back in his room, bleary-eyed and doped up on morphine. "You're great, Stammer," Jeff slurs at him, and Steven laughs.

"Go to sleep, Jeff," he says. Jeff doesn't need to argue with that when he can already feel his eyes slipping shut.

He wakes up from the pain. It stabs him straight in the knee, in a place he's never hurt before. What had been mild discomfort before he regained feeling in his right side is suddenly ballooned into an agonizing sensation running through his leg, centering on his knee. It hurts. Jeff leans over the side of his bed and vomits until the nurses come running.

Eventually they send him home with a specific set of instructions, antibiotics, and strong pain meds. Jeff asks before he leaves, "Why did I have a stroke?" The doctor peers at him over those wiry glasses, and shakes his head.

"We don't know, Jeff. You tested like any healthy seventeen year old athlete. Sometimes these things just happen, and in 80% of the cases we see in young people, they happen for reasons we cannot determine."

Jeff sets up camp on his couch because he's too sore to hobble up the stairs, and with his lack of coordination, he's more likely to fall and break his neck anyway. He keeps an ice pack permanently on his knee and watches _Goon_ three times in a day because he can.

His sisters move carefully around him. Andrea and Erica have their own homes and lives, but Jill and Jenn are careful to avoid him. They stop bringing friends over. Even Ben seems to be spending all his time outside the house.

"Am I diseased?" he asks Jill one day as she's passing through to find snacks in the kitchen.

"No," she says, wringing her hands nervously. "It's just that we don't want to get in the way of your recovery."

"I'm not a fucking leper," Jeff snaps, and Jill reels back.

"I know," she squeaks, and bolts to the kitchen. Jeff sighs and smacks his head against the back of the couch.

"Sorry," he says, but he's talking to an empty room.

"Do you think you'll be able to skate again?" Steven asks one day as he stops by with a pie for the family and to assure himself that Jeff is still alive.

"My mom's been too busy to drive me to physiotherapy. I don't know if I can walk, Stammer. I can't even think about skating right now." Steven glances at Jeff's knee brace.

"It's been a few days. Let's see if you can walk. Here," he helps Jeff hoist himself from the couch. Even before Jeff tries to put weight on his right leg, he knows something is wrong, and it isn't his knee.

His whole body sways; his balance is definitely off. Jeff falls against Steven, who frowns. "What was that, Jeff?"

"I don't know," he says, and tries to stand up on one leg again, only to sway back and fall onto the couch. "I can't... My balance is gone," he says, confused.

"We'll try again later," Steven says, and grabs an Xbox controller from the table. Jeff grabs the other one, thankful for the distraction.

Steven drives Jeff to his physiotherepy session the next day because his mom is too busy working. "Why are you still in Ontario," Jeff asks after a while. He's still sitting in the car, looking at Steven like he's crazy.

"I told head office a friend of mine was injured."

"Go back to Florida," Jeff tells him. "I'll be fine here."

He's not fine though. During the physiotherapy session, Jeff learns his balance difficulties are a side effect of his stroke. He learns they may never go away and even though his knee is healing nicely, he's a long way from walking without a brace and crutch, let alone skating.

Steven stays with Jeff another two days before he flies back to Tampa Bay. They spend most of those days sitting on the couch, eating food that isn't part of Steven's diet and playing NHL '09.

"I hope you're not still here because you think this is your fault," Jeff blurts out, and Steven kind of sinks into the couch, hiding his face.

"Stammer, c'mon," Jeff nudges him. "I'm not mad at you. It was an accident."

"It's a career ending injury," Steven says, and he looks like he's the one who got hurt, not Jeff. "You can't win at NHL '09 anymore because you don't have full function of your right hand. You've been eating pizza because you don't have to use a fork and knife. Jeff, I had to tie your shoes today before we went to your appointment because you can't do that with one hand."

Jeff flops over and hugs Steven as hard as he can, pushing his face into his neck. "Steven, I know it sucks, but please stop beating yourself up. It happened, and this is my life now. There's nothing either of us can do about the past. Now go back to Florida." That night, Steven packs his bags and gets on a plane.

Jeff does eventually learn how to tie his shoes again. He stumbles his way around the neighborhood once he has more motion in his knee and his balance has mostly fixed itself.

By the time he gets rid of the crutch and can button up a shirt with his right hand again it's mid-February. None of Jeff's friends have even stopped by to see where he's been, and his siblings have made themselves scarce.

To top it off, his mother has been working harder than usual, pulling extra overtime hours to make up for the high cost of his knee surgery.

Jeff can't even go to the rink and work off his frustration.

After he can stand for a reasonable amount of time, Jeff tries to return to school. However, he's missed over a month of classes and he's way behind. He struggles with work he would've easily understood before and he can't understand why.

He asks his mom later on the rare occasion where she makes him dinner, and she tells him that concentration problems along with difficulties learning are also a side effect of strokes.

Jeff tries; he buries himself in the books but ultimately fails most of his catch up tests even if he does fine on the assignments.

By the end of March, it's obvious his learning abilities are not getting any better. He's been pulled from his regular classes and planted in study sessions with the kids with disabilities.

The other kids start calling him a retard in whispers and sideways looks. He doesn't want to know what the rumors say about the fact that he can't talk anymore. They're starting to imitate his speech to his face. Jeff stops talking, mostly.

The guidance counselor pulls him aside one afternoon. He sits in her office as she talks about all the efforts they've made to catch him up to the appropriate level, but the speech ends exactly how Jeff knew it would.

It boils down to this: Jeff won't be able to graduate with his class at the end of June.

That night, he goes home and stares at his ceiling for a long time. He makes friends with the grooves in his wall and the dirty fingerprints on his headboard. He touches the blankets and pillows, and prays that the next morning he'll wake up and everything will have gone away. It doesn't.

Jeff's mom and dad are both home that weekend, which is a rare occurrence. While his siblings are out, his parents corner him and ask him his intentions about school (they'd been talking to the guidance counselor).

The next day, Jeff drops out of high school because he doesn't want to be trapped in a box with the very kids that mock him whenever he opens his mouth.

"Why aren't you going to school, Jeff?" Andrea asks him one day when they're having dinner together.

"I can't," Jeff says.

"What do you mean you can't?" Jeff pokes his peas.

"I can't learn," he says. "I study, but I don't learn. The nurse said the side effects usually go away. I don't think I'm a good example of what is usual."

"Jeff, you're young. You should be in school," Andrea says. Jeff sighs, and continues to poke his peas.

Steven calls that night for the first time since Jeff told him to leave. "How’s the recovery coming?" he asks.

"I dropped out of school because I can't concentrate on things anymore, but at least I can mostly walk. I still can't stand on one leg though," Jeff adds, kicking at his wall from where he's lying on his bed.

"Do you think you'll be skating soon?"

"I don't think I can skate again," Jeff says, because he does still have difficulties walking down the block on his bad days. Steven changes topics quickly after that and they talk about nothing for a long time, which is nice.

"You should get a job," Jeff's mom tells him.

"I'm looking," Jeff lies. He's not interested in getting a job; he spends most of his days now staring at the ceiling, counting the marks and scars on his walls. He spends most of his days wasting away, wishing that one day he'll wake up and it'll all be a nightmare and he can skate again.

"You should cut your hair," Jill tells him.

"You should buy new clothes. You look gross, and you're getting fat," Jennifer adds. "You just sit on the couch all day and do nothing."

"I go to physio," Jeff says.

"Well you aren't going to do that soon," Jill snorts. "Mom doesn't have money for that shit anymore." Jeff winces, because without physiotherapy, he doesn't know if he will be able to get into skates again.

"Get off your ass. If you aren't going to school, get a job, Jeff."

"I'm trying," Jeff tells his sisters, but he isn't. Jeff doesn't want a job. Jeff wants to cut a hole in the ice and bury himself in his memories to make them real again.

Ben, who's been spending the whole conversation watching quietly from a chair in the corner, pipes up. "You're an embarrassment to the family, Jeff." Jeff doesn't even bother to hang his head. He just gets up and leaves.

As he walks down the street, he kicks a garbage can and falls on his ass. It's a good thing Jeff can laugh at himself, because at this point the whole damn world is laughing at him.

He sits at the park for a few hours, and when he gets home again, he finds the house silent. His whole family has gone out without him. He looks at the job postings his mom had left on the counter, throws them into a corner of his room, and goes to sleep.

●●●

When Jeff finally musters up the courage to call his coach after three long months, his coach uses the term "career-ending injury" much like Steven had earlier.

Jeff doesn't call it a career-ending injury, because his career never had a chance to begin. He never made it to the draft; he tries not to think about how this was supposed to be the year he makes it to the big leagues like Steven and PK but it creeps up on him anyway, like a raincloud over his head that will not pass.

Jeff spends a lot of time on the internet. He watches too many movies, and turns them off when they mention hockey. He starts downloading TV series and reads books about WWII because he thinks it might help his concentration.

He goes on a lot of walks too, that usually lead him around the neighborhood. His balance still sucks, but he can jog on his good days for a short period of time so he does that.

Jeff starts going to the gym with his trainer again, even though he can't afford it. His trainer takes him up as a special project, which means gym times are erratic and unscheduled but it's not like Jeff has anything better to do anyway.

"That's not good for your knee," his trainer says as Jeff hops onto the bike for the first time since his injury.

"I don't care," Jeff says, but when his trainer glares at him, Jeff gets off the damn bike.

The sessions are mostly filled with Jeff's trainer making weird faces at him as he falls over doing simple exercises and then promptly tries to push himself to do something even harder.

"I know it's good to push yourself, but you're not trying to bulk up for the season here. Just relax and get healthy again; you can do that without putting too much strain on your body," the trainer says. Jeff stops going to the gym with him.

Jeff's definitely not up to par with where he used to be before the injury, but he's doing much better by the time he stops going to the gym with his old trainer.

He spends more time outdoors as the weather gets better too, avoiding the house and his family. His mom yells at him on the days he does remain at home. "You deadbeat, waste of space, do some fucking chores while you're lying around there. Just vacuum the stairs! It takes two minutes!"

"I can't vacuum the stairs," Jeff tries to tell her, because he has to be careful when he's walking up or down stairs. He still clings onto the banister because with his balance, stairs are iffy and he's fallen down them a few times already. "I'm going to break my neck."

"I'm sick of your excuses, Jeff! You can't still be having problems because the symptoms go away!"

"The symptoms usually go away," Jeff corrects, but his voice is drowned out by his mom again.

"Go vacuum the fucking stairs, Jeff." He leaves the house because he's just gotten his knee to a bearable point; he doesn't need to break his neck.

"My mom's being a bitch," Jeff grumbles at Steven over the phone.

"So is my coach," Steven says, and Jeff tunes him out while Steven gripes about life in the NHL, because that is what his life is, while Jeff is stuck sitting like a useless lump in Markham.

"I bet it's amazing, playing with all these elite athletes. You're having an insane year too," Jeff says, almost sadly. "I wish I could be there with you."

"This was supposed to be your draft year," Steven says. It's not a question.

"This year was supposed to be a lot of things, and a ticket out of Ontario," Jeff says, and kicks a rock. He tilts sideways and swears angrily.

"Are you doing alright over there? Do I need to send PK to check up on you?"

"I'm fine," Jeff says, because as much as he'd love to see PK again, he doesn't need the reminder that his two best friends are currently playing in the NHL and he was _supposed_ to join them this year. Also, unlike him, PK has his own life and friends in Montreal.

"Look at it this way," Steven says, "Since you're not getting drafted, you're not going to be stuck in some shithole for the rest of your career, like Carolina. Can you imagine what you'd do if Carolina drafted you?"

"That's true, I might die a bit on the inside if I was stuck in Raleigh for the near future," Jeff laughs, and after that, they talk about things that don't relate to hockey.

Jeff gets his cell phone taken away a week after that conversation because he spends too much money talking to Stephen and texting PK between games about how the Canadiens are doing.

Jeff's been raised as a Leafs fan, but it's easy for him to follow Montreal and Tampa Bay now that he has too much time on his hands.

After he loses his phone (he has no income, which is a fair argument for not having a cell phone), Jeff spends more time glued to his laptop, taking in all the information he can from around the league, including gossip.

He attaches himself to it, trying to find familiarity in the world that was suddenly swept from under his skates.

"This isn't healthy," Andrea tells him as she leans against the doorframe of Jeff's room. "You need to get out more," she decides, and that's when she tells him she's signed him up for an evening adult education class.

"Why?"

"I want you to graduate," Andrea says. "They work at a slower pace, and have teachers trained to deal with learning disabilities."

"I don't have a learning disability," Jeff says, which is true. He just has problems with concentrating on a topic he isn't interested in for a long period of time (so, anything that isn't hockey).

"Go to the class, Jeff." Jeff takes the pamphlet and information that Andrea gives him, and the following week he shows up for the first of his "Adult Education" classes.

It's slow going at first, though it burns some time. He learns a little bit, but he gets bored easily. The teacher calls on him a lot and every time he says a word with the letter N, he cringes.

He's sure his classmates are cringing too. They get assigned a partner project- they have to do a presentation about WWII. This is Jeff's topic. He can do this. Then the teacher goes and partners him with a dude named Ronnie.

Jeff can't pronounce Ronnie's name on his best days. It comes out sounded like "Raw-ee" or "Ray-ee" when he tries. It sounds stupid, and Ronnie obviously thinks it sounds stupid, because he refuses to talk to Jeff to the point where he does the entire project on his own.

Jeff fails the assignment and gets a strong lecture from his teacher. "I can't say his name," Jeff says, when he's asked why he didn't contribute to the project. "He wouldn't talk to me."

Of course, the teacher doesn't believe Jeff. She sends him to the office where they explain the class is only for students who are serious about their work and that one more incident like that and Jeff will be expelled and another student with more dedication will take his place.

Two days later, Jeff is sent packing after punching a guy in the face when he makes fun of Jeff's speech impediment. The guy gets a black eye, which doesn't mean much when he hangs his head and gets home only for Andrea to berate him.

"Why should I even try anymore?" Jeff ask Steven over Skype as he fiddles with his buttons, doing and undoing them with his right hand just to make sure he still can.

"It's good for you. It's not like you to give up. What's happened to you Jeff?"

"Well, what am I trying for?" Jeff shrugs. "I'm probably going to end up working at McDonalds or Wal-Mart for the rest of my life, and it's not like I need an education for that."

"Hey now, don't say that," Steven frowns. "There's still plenty you can do. You're not even eighteen yet, Jeff.

"They keep making fun of the way I talk, Steven. They make fun of the way I walk. I saw someone yesterday mocking the weird gait I have. I still have a strange intonation when I talk- don't tell me you haven't noticed it," he groans.

"You don't need to talk to people like that," Steven says.

"I do if I'm in school," Jeff says, and Steven doesn't have an argument to that. "What's new with you?" He asks Steven, trying to change the topic.

"I met a girl," Steven says, and Jeff can't say he's surprised- Steven has a lot of friends across the map. Jeff honestly doesn't know why the guy still talks to him after all this time.

"Congratulations; when's the wedding?" Jeff asks cheekily, which makes Steven laugh and shake his head.

"I don't know; it's just a casual thing right now, at least until after the season ends, but we'll see where it goes from there. What about you? Any special ladies in your life?"

Jeff shrugs, because he's never had a girl in his life that isn't his sister or his mother. His aunts have always pinched his cheeks and called him the cutest little babe magnet, but the truth is, Jeff just doesn't get on with girls well.

"I don't know any girls," he tells Steven. "I've never thought about them, honestly." This throws Steven for a loop.

"Never thought about girls? Man, what do you jerk off to?"

"I don't," Jeff says, because it's true. Sex just isn't something he thinks about- it was always hockey first, with a side of figure skating, school and family.

"You're fucking weird man," Steven shakes his head, smile quirking his lips. "That's why I love you." Jeff laughs, because it's all he can do. "I swear though, this girl, she's something special," Steven rattles on, and Jeff tunes him out.

It's true that he's never thought about girls, but it's not like he's thinking about guys or dogs or horses either. Sex is just something that isn't important in the grand scheme of things but now, with his life diminished to something so seemingly without purpose, Jeff thinks it must be nice to have someone.

"What's it like, having a girlfriend?" Jeff asks Steven, who shrugs.

"It's like having a best friend with the good stuff built in," Steven says. "I'm not good at words, man, but it's good. Regular sex is a huge bonus too." Jeff's never had sex before, but he doesn't say that to Steven, though he's sure Steven assumes.

"I bet it's expensive," Jeff says.

"Yeah, but a lot of the money goes to nice things you both enjoy, and these days it's not like I have a shortage of spare change," Steven laughs, and Jeff laughs too but it's a hollow, foreign sound, even to himself. "Your mom's right," Steven says after a moment of silence. "You should get a job. Maybe you'll meet a girl."

That night, Jeff skims the job listings, but mostly ends up looking at porn. He watches women with large breasts bounce around and guys with massive dicks plow them like toys. He watches guys fuck against a door, a massive gay orgy and even goes to explore the different types of fetish porn until he gets scared and shuts off his laptop without getting off.

"What's so great about sex anyway?" he grumbles to himself as he turns off the light and goes to sleep.

The next day, his mom tells him if he doesn't find a job by the end of the week she's kicking him out. Jeff knows that she's his mother and she'd _never_ leave him high and dry. He doesn't find a job because, as Steven put it, he's "a stubborn little shit."

"I don't know what to do with you anymore," his mom says. "You've been sitting around doing nothing since January. Your knee is better. You tried to go to school, and then you gave up and continued to sit around and do nothing. Why don't you get a job?"

"My life isn't an Offspring song," Jeff says, but neither of them laughs.

"Sometimes I wish you were more like Steven. He has his life together," his mom snaps, and Jeff stands up on shaky legs, glaring at her.

"I was, you know? I fucking had a life, and it's gone now. I don't care anymore, okay? Don't you fucking get it?" Jeff storms out of his room, which probably isn't the best idea, because he stumbles down the stairs and lands ass-first on the tile just in time for his sisters to laugh at him.

He slams the door behind him hard enough to shake the house and sulks at the park for the rest of the day.

When he gets back, both his sisters try to talk to him but he brushes them off. He blatantly ignores everyone in the house; he doesn’t respond when spoken to.

He tries to Skype Steven to see if he can go visit him in Florida, but the call isn't answered and it's stupid anyway since Jeff can't afford a plane ticket to Tampa Bay. He wants to text PK but he hasn't talked to him since he had his phone taken away.

Jeff doesn't talk to his family for a long time and soon, it translates to the rest of his life. He doesn't talk when he leaves the house, and the Skype calls with Steven start to become few and far between. Slowly he stops getting out of bed.

Jeff stops living.

●●●

Jeff only watches the Stanley Cup finals until the Canadiens are eliminated. He then continues to get acquainted with his ceiling and four walls, tracing nonexistent patterns on the blankets with his fingertips. He's not talking to anyone, except maybe occasionally Steven, but Steven's been so wrapped up in this girl of his lately that he doesn't have much time for Jeff anymore (they're getting serious). He hasn't had contact with PK in a long time- he doesn't know if PK is doing anything for the summer. He doesn't think to ask.

Eating is put on the backburner; Jeff's sleeping all day anyway, so he doesn't need much fuel. He drops all the muscle he gained since his injury, and then some. He's probably the lightest he's weighed since he was a child, but he doesn't think much of it. He doesn't need his body for anything anyway, and it's not like anyone's looking at him these days.

On his birthday, Jeff's mom comes into his room with an envelope. She sits down on the edge of his bed, and sighs. She looks so tired- tired as Jeff feels, perhaps, with heavy bags under her eyes and lines on her face he hadn't seen before.

"Jeff, I don't know what to do with you anymore," she says to her hands. "I've talked to your Aunt Alice in Holden Sound, and she has agreed to let you stay with her for the time being. I’ll be sending her a monthly cheque to take care of your living expenses. You’ll stay there for the foreseeable future."

Jeff wants to object about being sent away, but the truth is he has no words, nor reason to stay. "Please, pack your bags. I booked you a flight for tomorrow night," she says to her hands, and the space above Jeff's head. He nods in acknowledgement, and continues to stare at the wall as she walks out the door.

It doesn't take Jeff long to pack away his life. He fills a suitcase with clothes, and a duffle bag with toiletries, a few books, movies, and his skates, even though he knows he can't use them. He puts his laptop into his backpack with a few snacks and whatnot for his carry-on luggage, and dumps it all by the door.

The following night, his mom drops him off at the airport. The rest of his family doesn't even bother to say goodbye. Jenn mutters some excuse about homework; Jill goes out with her boyfriend. Ben just disappears. His dad waves awkwardly from the door at his mom. Andrea and Erica don't call. Jeff wonders if they know.

Another life ago, it would have bothered Jeff, but now, he barely notices their absence- to be fair, they'd never been close to begin with, and now he felt even farther from them than he ever had before when they still had some common ground (hockey).

The flight is boring. Jeff watches a movie about dolphins and sleeps for most of it. Alice is exactly as Jeff remembers her; she wears too many bright colors to be fifty-five, and has bleached blonde hair that looks like a wig.

"Don't worry," she tells Jeff. "I live in the city, which is about two hours from the airport." Jeff grunts and looks out the window at the grey sky and yellowing fields, and lets the kilometers of farmland pass him by. She doesn't try and make conversation, so Jeff doesn't try and talk.

"This will be your room," Alice says after showing Jeff around the apartment She opens a creaky door that shows a generic bedroom. "I just had a friend help me clean it out, so it's ready to use."

"Thank you," Jeff chokes out, and he lugs his suitcase, backpack, and duffel upstairs with him. His gait probably looks strange, struggling up the narrow and steep stairs, but Alice doesn't comment. He wonders how much his mom told her.

Jeff believes he's just going to fall into the same routine here in Holden Sound as he did back home, but Alice makes sure that doesn't happen. On his second day, she hustles him from his room, feeds him a nice lunch of stew and garlic toast, then smacks a grocery list into his palm with instruction to also shop for himself, and gives him directions to the store.

The supermarket is located in the heart of town, surrounded by a shopping center, complete with an extravagant fountain out front. Jeff wants to spend a day sitting on the edge of that fountain, counting the pennies in it, but he moves past it, knowing that for the first time in a long time, he has a destination.

The shopping list isn't long. It mostly consists of condiments: salad dressing, mustard, soy sauce, and a bag of sunflower seeds. Jeff takes his time in the store, poking through the selection of brands on the shelf, trying to figure out what's cheapest. He hasn't gone grocery shopping in a long time, and it feels like foreign terrain to him.

Jeff also picks up a few things for himself (a bag of chips, trail mix, pop tarts) and fumbles his way through the checkout, using the credit card Alice gave him. He only gets lost once as he walks back to the apartment, which he considers an achievement.

As he's trying to figure out how to unlock the door without falling over, it swings open and nails him straight in the nose. "Fucking hell," Jeff swears, toppling backward and dropping the groceries, hands rushing to stop the blood that's dripping from his nose.

"Shit, shit, shit, sorry, fuck, I hope there weren't eggs in there," the guy babbles as he helps Jeff collect his groceries, then props the door open to bring them inside.

"It's okay," Jeff sputters, wincing when he sees how much blood is on his hand.

"No, it's really not, I'm an idiot," the guy says, and Jeff gets a good look at him for the first time, standing in the dim apartment lobby. He looks around Jeff's age, perhaps a bit older, and tall- taller than your average guy and pretty built on top of that. "I'm Jared Staal- I live in 604 with my brothers. Are you new?"

"I, uh," Jeff stutters, his attention mostly directed at his bloody nose.

"Shit, right, let's stop the bleeding. Which apartment are you in?" Jeff points to the elevator with the hand that isn't pressed to his nose, so Jared follows him with the groceries. He pushes the button for the fifth floor, and walks to the end of the hall: apartment 519.

Fortunately, Alice has left the door unlocked so Jeff doesn't have to struggle with his key one handed. Jared follows him in, and Jeff ducks into the bathroom to clean his face.

When he looks mostly human again, Jeff walks into the living room to see that Alice has offered Jared a cup of tea and they're both seated around the coffee table. "Sorry for taking out your nose," Jared winces. "Thanks for the tea," he adds to Alice.

"You know you and your brothers are welcome over anytime," Alice tells him as Jeff sinks onto the couch next to Jared.

"We'd love to stop by more," Jared smiles brightly. "Sorry for breaking your nephew, Alice."

"I'm already broken," Jeff mutters under his breath, and Jared jerks his head around.

"Say that again?"

"It's fine; I'm already broken," Jeff says, forcing a smile. He knows Jared can hear how dumb his voice sounds, and how his pronunciation is skewered.

Jared shrugs. "You look like you're in one piece to me."

"Jared, why don't you show Jeff around the town? I'm sure he'd love to have someone his age to show him where all the kids hang out," Alice says brightly, smiling wide. Jeff wants to sink into the couch, because he definitely doesn't need his aunt making friends for him. He doesn't need friends.

"Yeah, let's go for a walk," Jared agrees. "It's gorgeous out; summer's here," he says enthusiastically, so Jeff drags his body off the couch, and follows Jared out of the apartment. "I'm sorry about hitting you in the face," Jared says as they step into the elevator. "I was just really frustrated."

"What about?"

"I got into another fight with my brother. He's being a douche nozzle about everything- he's getting on my case for not calling mom enough, or something. I don't know; he just gets mad at me and Jordan for stupid reason sometimes."

"That sucks dude," Jeff says, rubbing the back of his neck. "At least he cares enough to yell at you though. I mean, my sisters used to yell at me a lot, but after a while they just stopped talking to me, and I think that's worse."

"Well at the end of the day, he's still my big brother and I love his stupid face," Jared grumbles, throwing open the door of the building with unnecessary force. "Also, he's probably right. He usually is." Jeff laughs.

"So Jeff, what are you doing, moving here to ass fuck nowhere?" Jared takes Jeff down the road that leads into town, the same route Jeff took to the supermarket. He figures it's the main road, and may be important. He makes a mental note.

"I wrecked my knee so I can’t play hockey anymore, which dumps my whole career path down the drain, had a stroke, so now I talk like a retard, and my mom sent me to live with my aunt because I dropped out of school," Jeff blurts out, because he can't handle social situations, apparently.

"Man, that sucks," Jared says. "Were you trying to go pro?"

"I was aiming for the NHL," Jeff tells him, and Jared grins.

"Oh man, another hockey player, fuck yes! You'll feel right at home here then," he says cheekily, ignoring Jeff’s statement about being unable to play, and grins. "My brothers and I all play hockey; the lakes freeze over here in winter, and pond hockey is the thing to do."

"That's awesome," Jeff says, and pretends he isn't melting on the inside knowing he's not able to skate with them in the winter.

"This is where I work," Jared tells Jeff, pointing a bit down the road to a small ice cream parlor called _Mojo's_. He drags Jeff inside; the walls are a cotton candy pink, and the uniforms are powder blue. There is an elaborate menu including everything from frozen yogurt, milkshakes and smoothies to slushies, and every flavor of ice cream imaginable, plus mix-ins.

"I bet you love your job," Jeff says, weaving through the children at his feet to peer into the glass and peruse the flavors.

"Yeah, it's definitely something," Jared grins. "Here, I'll get you something- the peanut butter cups go really well with marshmallows and chocolate swirl," he instructs Jeff, who nods enthusiastically.

"Have you tried every flavor?" He asks Jared later as they shove themselves into a corner booth with medium sized ice cream cups.

"Flavor, yeah, but definitely not every combination. I could spend hours in here and still try something new," Jared smiles. "This is probably one of my favourite places in the town."

"Did you grow up here?" Jeff asks as he eats his ice cream.

"Nah, my family is from Thunder Bay- my parents own a sod farm back there. Eric moved to Holden because he got a well-paying teaching position at the college, so Jordan and I followed."

"There are three of you, huh," Jeff says. "Must be nice."

"Four, actually," Jared smiles wanly. "Our brother Marc is a defenseman for the New York Rangers, but he comes and visits for a bit in June, usually."

"It's nice that you're close with your brothers," Jeff smiles. "I have four sisters and a brother, but we don't really talk to each other about much of anything. We used to have hockey in common, but two of my sisters have grown up and have their own lives and careers now, without hockey, and I can't play anymore so there goes that."

"Sounds like a shitty time," Jared says, throwing away his empty ice cream cup. "Why don't I show you the rest of downtown? There's not a lot going on here, so it won't take long."

Jeff follows Jared from Mojo's and down the main road. Jared points out major things- the shopping center Jeff passed earlier, the supermarket where everyone shops, the health food shop that sells vitamins and protein supplements for cheap, and even the movie theatre where kids hang out.

"There's a park just down the road," Jared tells Jeff. "Kids like to smoke weed in the bushes, but there's a soccer pitch, baseball diamond, basketball court, and tennis court all for public use."

"That's awesome," Jeff says, and thinks about investing in a basketball. He then remembers how short he is, standing next to Jared, and thinks about investing in a tennis racquet instead.

"There's a pool over there," Jared says, pointing over a slightly hill as they walk through the park. "My brothers and I use the gym and ice rink that's attached to it."

“Maybe I’ll check it out one day,” Jeff says. He knows it’s a health benefit to stay in shape, not just a perk of playing professional sports, but lately he’s been having a hard time motivating himself to do much of anything. He catalogues the location of the gym in the back of his mind for future reference.

"It's a small town, but there is a lot to do here," Jared tells him. "There's a party tonight that my brother's taking me to up in the hills," Jared says, pointing beyond the edge of town. "I'm sure it'll be fine if you want to tag along."

"Yeah, I'd love to," Jeff says, and he means it, because he's spent the whole afternoon with Jared, who seems like the nicest person on the face of the planet, and can provide free ice cream. That's the kind of person Jeff knows he needs to keep around.

They spend the walk back to the apartment talking about which players had a good season and Patrick Kane's GWG in the Stanley Cup final as the sun sets behind them. Jeff's relaxed; he knows he's found at least one friend he can rely on while he's trapped in Holden Sound.

"Did you want to come over and play some COD or something?" Jeff agrees. Jared sticks his head in the door, peering around when he unlocks it.

A voice calls out, "Eric's gone out with some friends," and Jared lets out a sigh of relief, opening the door.

"Hey Jordan, this is Jeff. He's Alice's nephew." Jordan gives Jeff a lazy wave from where he's sprawled out on the couch- he looks a lot like Jared: tall, blonde, and broad.

"Can we steal the TV?"

"No, but you can watch this with me," Jordan says, and Jeff grins when he sees _Goon_ on the TV. Jared's looking at him, so Jeff shrugs.

"I've seen this movie a thousand times; it's amazing."

"Yeah, me too," Jordan laughs, rolling over and sitting upright so that Jared and Jeff can squish on the couch (the best view of the TV is definitely not from the armchairs in the opposite corners).

"Jeff's coming to the party tonight," Jared says after a few minutes of silence. "Is that okay?"

"Whatever squirt," Jordan shrugs. "I don't care who comes as long as it isn't Eric and his friends, because how awkward would it be if you're at a party and your English teacher and his friends show up?"

"That'd be pretty weird," Jared pulls a face.

"Do I need to dress up?" Jeff asks suddenly. "I haven't unpacked yet and I don't know if I brought nice clothes with me."

"What you're wearing is fine," Jordan says, rolling his eyes. "It's a fucking kegger, man. Are you expecting college bros to be high class?"

"I don't know, you small town guys are weird," Jeff snorts, and Jared smacks him on the head. This devolves into a wrestling match that Jordan gets sandwiched in the middle of, and leads to Jared kicking over the coffee table.

It somehow winds up with the brothers ganging up on Jeff for reasons unknown, and he's lying under about 400 pounds of human yelling "Uncle!" when the door opens. As quickly as they'd been on him, the weight is lifted. Jordan and Jared are now standing stiffly next to each other while Jeff lies on the floor, trying to catch his breath.

A guy who Jeff assumes is Eric, stands by the door, rolling his eyes. He looks like Jared and Jordan; they're the same height, with blonde hair and muscles in all the right places, though he isn't quite as broad as his younger siblings.

"Hey, uh, welcome home," Jordan says, quickly grabbing the coffee table and pushing it upright.

"This is Jeff; he's Alice's nephew, and just moved in a couple days ago," Jared says quickly, helping Jeff to his feet.

"Eric; nice to meet you," Eric introduces himself, replacing the exasperated look on his face with a warm smile and Jeff relaxes, though Jared and Jordan don't. "Christ, I'm not going to eat you guys for knocking over a table," Eric says to his brothers. "Have you made dinner yet?"

"Not yet," Jordan says, and that is how Jeff ends up having dinner (spaghetti Bolognese) with the Staal family.

"I showed Jeff Mojo's today," Jared tells his brothers around a mouthful of food. You should have seen his eyes man. He looked like he'd just walked in on a cave of diamonds or some shit."

"Oh fuck off," Jeff laughs. "I wasn't that bad."

"Yeah, you really were," Jared snorted. "I swear you were going to start worshipping the place."

"He's exaggerating," Jeff says, and he tries to keep a straight face, but he's laughing. "I'm not like that at all."

"You talk funny," Jordan blurts out suddenly, looking inquisitively at Jeff. Jeff winces, looking down at his plate. He knows he does; he knew it was a matter of time before someone here in Holden Sound commented on it.

"Yeah, well you're a Neanderthal, you idget, but we still keep you," Eric says, reaching across the table with one of his obnoxiously long arms to smack Jordan on the back of the head. "Sorry about him."

Jeff shrugs. "He's right; I do talk like a fucking retard."

"You're really not that bad," Jared says awkwardly, dropping his fork on to his empty plate. "I mean, it's just a few sounds you can't make, and it's not like you don't have a valid reason-" He cuts himself off mid-sentence, blushing. "Sorry. Not my story to tell."

"It's fine," Jeff says, but doesn't offer an explanation, because Jordan and Eric really don't need to know. "Do you need a hand with the dishes?" He asks just to get off the topic of his speech impediment.

"Yeah, that'd be great," Eric smiles at him. "It'd be nice if these idiots would do that once in a while," he rolls his eyes as Jeff starts to collect the empty plates.

Jeff follows Eric to the sink; he grabs a dishcloth as Eric fills it with soapy water. Jeff washes while Eric dries, and the other two disappear into their rooms.

"Sorry about Jordan," Eric says, taking one of the plates Jeff hands him. "He can be kind of harsh sometimes without meaning to."

"You shouldn't have to apologize for him," Jeff says as he continues to scrub at the dishes.

"I know," Eric says, "But I want to make sure you know that Jordan being an idiot has nothing to do with what any of us think of you." Jeff can feel himself blush.

"Thanks," he said, and when he looks up from the sink to hand a glass to Eric their eyes meet, and Jeff's breath hitches, because Eric's got the most earnest look he's ever seen plastered across his face and it's directed at him.

"Are you going out with Jordan and Jared tonight?" Eric asks, as he puts away the last of the dishes, and tosses Jeff a cloth to dry his hands on. Jeff actually catches it with his right hand, and does a victory dance in his head.

"Yeah," Jeff nods, leaving the cloth on the counter and wandering into the living room with Eric to find the other two have vanished. "Jared invited me along and I don't really know anyone in town. I've been doing a whole lot of nothing for the past few months, so I guess I can go out and socialize," Jeff grins, and pretends he doesn't sound like an old woman going to her weekly knitting club.

"Beer run!" Jordan yells, bursting out from his bedroom, and when Jared leaves his Jordan grabs him in a headlock and they barrel their way down the hallway to the living room. Eric catches them both at the scruff of the neck like kittens and pulls them apart.

"Do that outside, please," he sighs, shooting Jeff an apologetic look. Jeff just shrugs, because he has sisters and they're exactly like that.

"C'mon man, beer run!" Jordan bellows at Jeff.

"Dude, are you coming back here? I'm definitely not old enough to buy beer," Jeff tells them apologetically.

"Yeah, we'll be back in a bit," Jordan says, glancing between Jeff and Eric. "Don't eat him bro," he says to Eric before they leave for the liquor store.

"So how did you end up living with your brothers?" Jeff asks as Eric flips through the channels until he lands on TSN.

"Jordan got into a pretty big fight with our parents about his direction in life not too long after he graduated, so he booked a plane ticket and told me about two minutes before he got on a plane. I ended up renting a three bedroom apartment because I knew that as long as Jordan and I were here, Jared would follow us. What about you? Why are you in Holden?"

"My mom got frustrated. I wasn't doing much at home. I dropped out of school, and I wasn't working. She shipped me off to live with my aunt so she wouldn't have to deal with me."

"If you don't mind me asking, why did you drop out?" Eric sounds concerned, more than anything, which throws Jeff for a loop.

"I, uh, I missed a month due to injury and had problems concentrating in classes when I got back," Jeff mumbles.

"Have you ever thought about going back?"

"I tried, before I came here," Jeff says, fidgeting nervously. He remembers Jared saying something about how Eric is an English teacher at the local college. He bites his lip. "I was expelled for punching a guy in the face who kept making fun of me."

"You're still so young," Eric says, almost sadly. "There's still time, if you want to try again this fall."

"I don't think school is for me," Jeff says, and pointedly turns his attention back to the TV. 

Eric doesn't take the hint. "Have you got a job here in Holden?"

"Not right now," Jeff admits. "I'm supposed to help Alice out in her bookshop once in a while, but other than that, I've got a lot of free time. Maybe I'll get a gym membership," Jeff makes an offhand comment in order to get Eric to stop the inquisition.

It works, mostly, and when Jared and Jordan return with a stockpile of liquor, Eric's just spouting information at Jeff about the cost of a monthly membership, and guys he knows that practice personal training.

 

"Come on, let's go," Jared says, dropping a six-pack in his lap. Jeff says a quick goodbye to Eric over his shoulder, and follows Jared and Jordan out the door. "It's on the other side of town; our friend Justin is picking us up," Jared tells him as they sit on the curb.

They don't wait long; a sleek red car speeds up the road, and the three of them pile into the back. They're introduced to Justin P. the driver, and Justin F. the passenger. Jeff can already feel the onset of the social anxiety he’s developed recently, so he just laughs along with everyone else, and cracks a beer hoping it’ll calm his nerves.

A short ride later, they're standing outside what looks like a small mansion nestled into the hills of Holden Sound, overlooking the ocean. "I bet whoever lives here is rich," Jeff says, and the driver Justin grins.

"He's a fucking millionaire, or well, his parents are," he laughs.

"He's a millionaire, and yet for some reason, he decided to buy property in Holden," the other Justin snorts, leading the way through the yard and to the back where the other students have gathered mostly around the backyard.

Jeff hangs back, watching the guys separate and filter through different groups. As Jared and Jordan attract the attention of many around them, Jeff begins to realize that they are fairly popular amongst this crowd. His stomach bubbles with nerves; it's been a long time since he's been to a party.

"Hey Jeff, come over here," Jared calls, beckoning him to his group in the corner of the yard, where they're all sitting around smoking weed on broken lawn chairs and upturned flower pots. Jeff wanders across the yard, feeling eyes on him, the new guy. It's a small town, he reminds himself, and they all know each other.

The group is mostly girls, he notices as Jared introduces him as "Jeff from Ontario," and he knocks his beer can with a few others around the circle. He gets a flurry of names he won't remember in ten minutes in response and smiles politely, occasionally adding to the conversation- his nerves slowly ease away.

"Why did you move to Holden?" One of the girls asks. Jeff gives her a polite smile and a generic answer about wanting a change in scenery, a story he spews over and over again to the other girls that reach out for his attention that night.

After a while, the girls filter away to redo their make-up, and the boys leave for more beers, leaving Jeff and Jared in the corner. "So, what do you think?" Jared nudges him lightly. "Any of them catch your eye? Amanda's gorgeous, and newly single," he winks.

Jeff stares at Jared like he's from another world. "They all seem really nice," he says after a moment of consideration, and Jared stares right back. Jeff’s vision swims; he’s far more drunk than he realized.

"Not even one of them?" he asks.

"I'm not really interested," Jeff shrugs.

"What about guys then?" Jared asks, looking around the yard to point at a few guys in the corner. "Patrick's single-"

"No, I'm still not interested," Jeff sighs, wondering why Jared just doesn't seem to get it. "It's not guys or girls, Jared. I'm just not looking for someone right now, okay?"

"Have you ever had a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Friend with benefits?" Jeff thinks about holding hands with Steven while lying in his hospital bed, and laughs.

"Dude, I don't think I know anyone who'd touch me," Jeff says self-deprecatingly. "Besides, even if I did, I don’t think I’ll be that into it" Jeff snorts. "I'll probably be a virgin for life, and 600% fine with it."

"Man, you're fucking weird," Jared says, but he has no objections when Jeff plays wingman for the rest of the night, and Jeff casually looks the other way when he follows Amanda to her car.

"Do you need a ride home?" Justin asks him later as everyone's leaving, and Jeff realizes he's lost Jared and Jordan somewhere.

"Yeah, that'd be great," he says, and when his head touches his pillow that night, he realizes he's talked more in one day than he has in over a month.

●●●

The morning after, Jeff wakes up clutching his head and decides he needs coffee to ward off his hangover. "Are there any nice cafes around here?" Jeff asks Alice, once he realizes her cupboards are full of tea, but painfully devoid of coffee.

"Just walk down the main road, honey. There's plenty," she says. "I'll make sure to pick something up at the supermarket for you," she adds. Jeff shakes his head.

"You don't need to do that," Jeff insists, sticks his feet in his sneakers, and leaves on a hunt for coffee.

Eric's standing in the elevator when the doors open. "Good morning," he smiles, and Jeff can't help but smile back, despite the hangover. "How're you feeling?"

"Like shit," Jeff says, and Eric chuckles. "I'm going to find some coffee."

"That's what I was doing," Eric says. "I don't work during the summer much; I usually go grab coffee with a friend on Saturday mornings. You're welcome to join us."

"That'd be nice," Jeff nods, so Eric leads him to the parking lot where his truck is waiting for them. 

"We can walk if you like, but it's Saturday morning, and I'm lazy," Eric says, unlocking the truck. Jeff can't help but laugh.

"I will never complain about a free ride," he tells Eric as he climbs into the passenger side. The radio is set to a country station; Jeff lets the soft music wash over him as he closes his eyes and relaxes against the window.

"Sure you're awake there?" Eric asks as he pulls into the parking lot of a cafe called Open Spaces just down the block from Mojo's. "C'mon, let's get you some caffeine." Jeff nods agreeably and hops out of the truck, following Eric into the cafe.

Jeff wasn't expecting much but the typical Starbucks environment when he walks through the door, but he's pleasantly surprised by plush couches, elegant furnishings and even a small reading nook under the stairs.

The menu is an elaborate write up to match Mojo's in variety- Jeff's mind is boggled, and he has no idea where to look. "They roast all their beans in the building behind this one," Eric says as they get in line. "Best coffee in town, hands down." Jeff believes him and he hasn't even seen a cup yet.

Eric gets up to the counter, and then glances at Jeff beside him. "What did you want?"

"Just a medium coffee," Jeff says, glancing between Eric and the cashier, who diligently punches in Jeff's order.

"Cream and sugar are on the counter; if you need soy or almond milk, just ask the barista at the end," the cashier chirps, and Eric nudges Jeff out of the way, coffees in his hand.

"Thanks, you didn't have to do that," Jeff says, taking his drink from Eric.

"It's just a coffee. If it makes you feel better, you can buy mine next time," Eric rolls his eyes, and Jeff can't help smiling because _next time_ means that Jeff and Eric are acquaintances or something, maybe even friends. Jeff hasn't had a friend around in what feels like eons.

Eric leads Jeff to the back of the cafe where there's a slight wall separating a quieter area from the busy hum of the front counter. "Hey Cam," he says, pulling out a chair for Jeff before sitting down. "This is Jeff; he just moved into my building."

"Nice to meet you," Cam says. He's got a stern looking face and strong handshake. Jeff assumes he's a teacher like Eric. "How do you like Holden so far?" Cam asks.

"It's a nice change of pace," Jeff admits. "I've never lived in a small town before, so this is, uh, it's different."

"Have you had a chance to see all the cool spots yet?" Cam asks, glancing between Eric and Jeff.

"Jared took me around downtown yesterday, and I went to a party in the hills with him and Jordan last night," Jeff tells him, rubbing his neck nervously. He feels like Cam is judging him based on his answers and he doesn't like it.

"I doubt he's seen the cove or any of the places you're thinking about," Eric tells Cam, rolling his eyes. "He's been here for three days and Jared doesn't give a shit about those places."

"We'll have to show him one day then," Cam announces, smirking at his coffee. "This is one of the most beautiful places in the world. You'll see." Jeff just nods, because he comes from the concrete jungle- he has no reason to disagree.

They finish their coffees and leave the cafe just before noon. "Shit, I didn't realize how late it was. I promised a friend I'd meet him at the gym this afternoon. I can definitely drop you off first though," Eric says and Jeff nods, climbing into the truck.

"Thanks for the ride and coffee," he says as Eric pulls up to the apartment.

"You looked like you needed it. I'll see you around, yeah?"

"Yeah," Jeff agrees, and stands in the parking lot as Eric pulls away. He turns toward the building to see Jared approach, still in the same clothes as the night before.

"Had a good night?" Jeff asks.

"It was great," Jared says, but his voice sounds strained. "So, uh, are you friends with Eric now?"

"I just got coffee with him and Cam this morning," Jeff tells Jared. "I was going to look for a cafe when I ran into him, and he just invited me along."

"Oh, okay," Jared says with a look Jeff can't quite place. "Did you have anything planned for today? I need a shower but I've got the day off and I'd like to hang out in the park or something."

"That sounds good," Jeff says. Jared showers, and then bangs on Jeff's door until he lets him in.

"So, the park," Jared says cheerily, holding a football in his hand. Jeff nods, and ushers him out the door.

After that day, Jeff settles into his new life fairly easily. On the days Jared doesn't work, he comes and bangs on the door until Alice yells at him, and Jeff goes to the park or gym with him.

Jeff eventually gets a gym membership after a bit of goading from his new friends. He spends most of his spare time there with the weights, trying to regain the weight he dropped in the past months.

He goes to parties with Jordan sometimes, where Jordan and Jared push him toward girls because as Jared slurs to him one night, "No eighteen-year-old should be a virgin when there is an abundance of women in this town to be had."

Jeff pointedly refuses to reply. He does eventually corner Jared and make him promise that he isn't going to start spreading rumors about Jeff being a virgin, because only a few kids here make fun of his speech impediment, and no one's made fun of the fact that he's a deadbeat drop out because they don't know, and Jeff would really prefer if it stayed that way.

Eric and Jeff go out for coffee with Cam on Saturdays. Jared doesn't like it; he doesn't say anything but Jeff can see it on his face every time he returns to the apartment with Eric. Jeff means to ask him about it, but it always slips his mind as they throw a football around or start swearing at each other when they play tennis.

Cam convinces Jeff he needs a job, partially because he's an asshole but mostly because he says he's sick of seeing Jeff at the gym every other day. Jeff learns he is indeed a teacher, but he's also an athletic trainer in the summer. With that push, Jeff starts his hunt for employment.

He learns quickly that Holden Sound is even smaller than it seems, because other than the odd seasonal job, nobody is hiring, and Jeff absolutely refuses to work at the one store that is, a store that sells prom dresses.

"Not even one opening as a cashier," he gripes to Jared, who says he'll ask his boss at Mojo's. Jeff knows the answer before Jared shakes his head sadly the next day. "Let me know if anything changes," Jeff says, but he knows it won't.

Since he doesn't have a job he spends all the time he isn't with a Staal or Cam helping Alice out at her bookshop, even though she refuses to pay him since he's living under her roof. Jeff wants to point out that she's still receiving large sums of money from his mom to house and feed him, but he knows beggars can't be choosers and keeps his mouth shut.

May eventually blends into June, and Holden blends into some semblance of a home. Some nights Jeff knocks on Jared's door, and they just hang out on the couch and play video games all night. Other times, he and Cam spend hours at the gym, arguing about politics. He knows Cam will never admit it, but he enjoys those days (Jeff will never admit it out loud either).

One day in mid-June, Jeff barges into the Staal apartment, because that is a thing he feels comfortable doing now. Instead of the usual three bickering voices, he hears four, and one of them isn't Cam.

"Oh, Jeff!" Jordan notices him first, and drags him into the kitchen. "This is Marc," he says, and points at his brother, like Jeff can't tell who the stranger in the room is.

"Hey," Marc says, and he even _sounds_ like the rest of them, which makes Jeff giggle.

"Nice to finally meet you," Jeff says, and Marc grins at him.

"Likewise." Marc has ginger hair that looks wind-ruffled and strong cheekbones that make Jeff jealous and hate his baby face even more. He's the same height as the rest of them; Jeff feels like a newt on the desert sand, shriveling up under the gaze of a predator as they all look down on him.

"Marc's here for a few weeks," Jordan explains. "We usually spend these weeks playing a lot of hockey."

"We do other things too," Eric objects.

"You're joking, right?" Jared laughs. "We really don't. You and Marc do, but we just play hockey."

"They go camping, fishing, surfing, they hang out at the beach, and all this other gay shit," Jordan rolls his eyes.

"You guys are just young and stupid and all you want to do is party at the mansions in the hills," Marc tells them, and he sounds so much like Eric that Jeff has to double check it wasn't actually Eric who spoke.

"You're confusing Jeff," Jordan laughs. He's the one who sounds different from the three- he's got a deeper voice and a joking tone most of the time. Jeff had taken note of that long ago.

"Right, well," Jeff says looking awkwardly between the brothers. "I can go, if you're busy-"

"God, no, please stay," Jared begs. "Don't leave me here with them." Jeff shrugs.

"What were you guys planning today?"

"We were just going to Mojo's for now," Marc shrugs, glancing at his brothers, who also shrug. "We'll go from there."

"Do I get free ice cream?" Jeff asks.

"Of course," Jared rolls his eyes like he's insane. "Let's walk; it's gorgeous out. This summer's supposed to be a record breaker!"

"Is the weather always this nice here?" Jeff asks as they wander down the main road toward Mojo's.

"Yeah, most of the time," Jordan shrugs. "I don't really notice it anymore. The summers don't get so warm, but the sun shines. It's good hockey weather."

"All weather is good hockey weather," Eric announces. Jeff smiles, because even though hockey isn't a part of his lifestyle anymore, he agrees.

"We're at the best ice cream place on the planet and you got mint chocolate chip. You're so boring," Jared complains to Marc as Jordan laughs at their squabbling.

"You're boring. You live in Holden Sound," Marc snorts.

"Sorry we can't all be NHL players like you," Jared rolls his eyes.

"Hey now, why do you say that? I've played with you guys. You all could have made it if you tried." He's looking pointedly at Eric when he says this.

"I wanted a quiet life. I don't know about these idiots," Eric says with a casual wave of his hand.

"I have a quiet life," Marc tells him. "I just live in a busy city."

"That was everything I didn't want," Eric says. "I mean, it's one thing to play hockey for a living, but I think I appreciate my privacy more than I do anything, and I can have a career I still love here."

"Yeah, you teach brats first year English in college," Marc snorts. "I have no idea how you haven't committed murder yet."

"They just haven't found the bodies," Eric says loftily, and Jordan edges his chair away from his brother.

After ice cream, they wander around town for a bit; Marc stops in the bookshop to say hello to Alice, and a few other places to meet friends. They run into Cam outside the liquor store, and all end up back at his apartment for a few afternoon beers.

"You're old enough to drink, right?" Marc asks Jeff, who shakes his head slowly.

"Fucking hell," Marc laughed. "You like 'em young?" He asks Jared, who rolls his eyes.

"Ignore him," Jared tells Jeff, who only blushes and hangs his head. "Marc just wants me to get together with someone- anyone."

"Yeah, do you have a new girlfriend yet?" Jordan nudges Jared. "What's going on with that Amanda chick?"

"She's nothing special," Jared says, frowning. "I mean, maybe she was, but she really isn't what I thought she'd be."

"That's a bummer. You're a drag when you're single 'cause you mope all over the place," Marc tells him. "You should get a girl. You're a better person when you’ve got a girl."

"Maybe no girl wants you because you're an ugly little shit," Jordan says, grinning.

"That's rich coming from you, Jordy. Fuck you both," Jared snaps, irritated. "I don't have a girl but at least I'm not a fucking virgin here like Jeff."

Jeff thinks his hands are shaking, and his face is probably red, but he's not sure, because he's sitting there, clamming up, internally screaming " _What the fuck, Jared?_ "

"You're a fucking cunt, you know that?" Jeff says. His voice comes out softer than he hopes; wounded. The guys are silent when he gets up, and crosses the room. He doesn't bother slamming the door behind him as he exits Cam's apartment, because he's not six anymore. He just leaves.

Jeff doesn't cry, because it's a stupid reason to cry. He's just never been into sex- he’s never had the time to be, and it's not something he should be ashamed of, but he is. He doesn't know why, and that's what makes it worse.

He makes it three blocks from Cam's apartment before he realizes he has no idea where he is. The streets, the houses, and the trees all look the same. He knows it's a safe bet to start heading away from the hills, so he does.

"Jeff!" He jerks around when he hears a familiar voice calling his name- it's Eric, he knows before he turns around, because Eric's voice is higher than his brothers' when he's yelling.

Jeff stops walking so Eric can jog up behind him; he pointedly doesn't look up from the concrete when he sees Eric's feet fall still next to his. "Hey, Jeff," Eric says, catching his breath. "C'mon, at least let me walk you home," he says, like he knows Jeff has no idea where he's going. Jeff nods to the concrete, because he has no idea how else he's going to get back.

"I'm sorry Jared's short a few brain cells," Eric sighs, and Jeff looks up from the ground.

"I told you, you really shouldn't have to apologize for you brothers," Jeff sighs. "I know he's an idiot, but I'm just overreacting. I don't even know why I left, honestly."

"He humiliated you in front of your friends, and he had no right to do that," Eric says as they walk along. "Do you remember back to the first time we went out for coffee, and we said we'd show you the cove?"

"Yeah?"

"It's near here if you still want to hang out. I mean, we don't have to go back there, if you don't want to see Jared for a while. I won't hold it against you."

"I'd like to hang out," Jeff admits. "God, I feel so stupid for leaving though. I just made a big deal out of nothing."

"It still wasn't right of him to say that," Eric says, gesturing down a narrow dirt path. Jeff follows it, Eric close behind. "Watch your step here," Eric tells him.

"Do you come here a lot?" Jeff asks.

"I found it the first summer I moved here. I spend all my free time here now," Eric explains, reaching over Jeff's shoulder to push a wayward tree limb out of the way.

When the path ends, it opens to the ocean. The shore is rocky, clustered with barnacles and seaweed. The ocean laps at the base of the rock, the cove glistening in the sunlight. "I see why," Jeff breathes, marveling in its beauty momentarily.

"Yeah, it's just absolutely gorgeous," Eric says from somewhere over Jeff's left shoulder. "C'mon, I'll show you the best spot." He nudges past Jeff, and hops over the rocks, down onto the beach.

Jeff follows him, feeling the rocks and stray shells crunch under his sneakers. The water sparkles under the sunlight and the tall trees that surround the cove give it a warm and secluded feeling. Eric leads him along the forest edge until they reach a sloped rock, which they climb.

Jeff follows Eric to the edge; they sit with their legs hanging over the rock, overlooking the ocean. Off in the distance, there are islands with small docks and houses, a blur of green trees overshadowing the water.

Eric points, and when Jeff follows his finger he can see a pod of orcas bobbing in and out of the waves. Up in the sky an eagle cries, the sound slicing through the silence of the cove. "This," Eric tells Jeff, "This is everything I love about living in Holden," and it may seem cliché and unrealistic but sitting here on this rock, Jeff truly feels like he understands.

"I know my brothers don't mean to be assholes, but sometimes they are," Eric says, breaking the silence. His voice sounds strange, echoed in the eerie calm of nature.

"We all are, sometimes," Jeff says.

"That's true," Eric says, smiling. "If you ever want some time to relax away from them though, you're always welcome to hang out with me and Cam. We're not going to be partying every weekend-"

"No, that's fine, this is nice too," Jeff flashes his dimples at Eric, who smiles right back. "All they want to do is get drunk and pick up girls anyway," Jeff says, shifting nervously. "I mean, it's not that I don't like it, it's just... Well, okay, I don't like it," Jeff chortles.

"Then why did you do it?" Eric asks, picking up a rock from beside him and tossing it into the ocean, watching the ripples spread.

"I think I was just really excited to have friends again. I had a couple good friends back on Ontario, but they had to leave for work and after my injury, they didn't really call. They have their own life now, which is cool."

"I bet it gets lonely," Eric says softly, and Jeff nods, copying his actions and tossing a stone into the waves as well.

"It sucked," he sighs. "I think that's why I was so excited when my aunt kind of forced me to hang out with Jared. I had someone around, and he was even a hockey player, so it's just like all my friends back home. I guess he's the same too- all he cares about is booze and girls and hockey."

"What about you, Jeff? What do you care about?"

"I don't know anymore," Jeff says to the ocean. "I guess I'd like to find out."

"I can help you, if you want," Eric says. "God, Jeff, you just- You look so sad right now."

Jeff doesn't know what to say to that, but he does lean into the sideways, one-armed hug that Eric offers. That night, they watch the sun set behind the trees and talk about life in Holden.

Eric doesn't ask about what happened to Jeff, and Jeff doesn't volunteer. He thinks, though, as he tramples along the path back to town, that maybe one day he'll tell him.

After Jeff learns about the cove, he starts spending a lot of time staring at the ocean. He's given up on finding work, and he'll make up any excuse he can not to help out at the bookshop, so he just disappears for hours to make friends with the wildlife.

Eric shows up sometimes, and they sit in silence waiting for the sun to set and the darkness to wash over them like a blanket of comfort from the harsh rays of summer's sun. The birds, the bees, and the bugs come and go. Jeff remains.

He manages to avoid Jared for two weeks after he ran from Cam's place, leaving the apartment early and returning late- going straight to bed and telling Alice he doesn't want to be bothered by his friends.

Unfortunately for Jeff, he meets Jared and Jordan on their way to a party, in front of the apartment as he and Eric are walking back from the cove one night. "Hey guys," Jordan says, and Jeff even manages to smile at them.

"Look, Jeff, I'm sorry-" Jared says, but Jeff's already opening the door and walking toward the stairs, because he'd rather walk up ten flights of stairs than have this conversation with Jared.

Eric catches him easily with his long legs, coming up behind Jeff. "Hey, did you want to come over now that Jared and Jordan are gone?" Jeff nods, and stops in the stairway; he's standing a step above Eric, which puts them at eye-level.

"I'm sorry I'm being a dick about this whole thing," Jeff tells him, wringing his hands nervously. "I just don't want to see him for now." Eric doesn't say anything in response, but ushers Jeff into his apartment.

"Jared's mad at me," Eric tells Jeff as he flops down in front of the TV, pulling his Netflix account up. "He's gotten the idea in his head that you're his friend, and only his."

"I am," Jeff says, without skipping a beat. "I just like you more right now." Marc laughs from the kitchen where he's eavesdropping on their conversation. Eric waves his middle finger in Marc's general direction, even though Marc's not looking.

"Avengers?" Eric asks, and Jeff just nods, reaching for the bowl of popcorn Marc drops in front of them. "When did you get here anyway?" Eric asks. "Don't you have things to do?"

"Nope," Marc says, popping the P, and falling on the couch on Jeff's other side, sandwiching him between the two brothers. "I've got a few weeks here dude. That's all the time in the world to laugh at you, hanging out with babies younger than the ones you teach."

"Fuck off, I'm not that young," Jeff says automatically, because he's used to getting flak from PK and Stammer about being a baby. It makes his gut clench; he does miss seeing Steven's stupid face.

"How old are you again, twelve?" Marc asks, taking a handful of popcorn and tossing it at Jeff. Most of it winds up somewhere on Eric's stomach; he retaliates with a handful himself.

Jordan and Jared get home around 3 AM to find Jeff passed out on Eric's shoulder, Eric slumped over sideways and Marc half on the floor, all covered in popcorn- the title screen for Iron Man 2 is looping on the TV. "Sorry, I'll go home," Jeff says while struggling awake and upright, as Jordan raises an eyebrow at him.

Jared takes one look at Jeff, and slams the door to his room behind him. The sound startles Eric awake, who knocks into Jeff. "Shit, sorry," he mutters.

"S'fine," Jeff slurs, rubbing his eyes and standing, stretching his back out. He winces as he cracks. Marc crawls up from the floor, groaning.

"Go to bed Jordy," Marc says, standing as well. "You too, Eric. Get off my couch. I want to sleep."

Jeff doesn't bother to tie his shoes- he just sticks his feet in them, and wanders down to his apartment where he passes out again immediately.

He meets Eric and Cam for coffee at Open Spaces as usual the next morning. "How does your NHL player feel about having to sleep on the couch when he visits you?" Jeff asks, thinking back to the previous night.

"He likes it enough to come back every year," Eric snorts. "He says it's better than the closet Jared calls a bedroom anyway- we all had to share rooms growing up, so it's not a big deal. It's a comfortable couch."

"I know, I fell asleep on it last night," Jeff rolls his eyes.

"No, you fell asleep on me," Eric says, shoving him a little. Jeff feels his cheeks heat up.

"S-sorry," Jeff stutters, as Cam laughs across the table from them.

"Hey, it's fine- you're warm," Eric says, and Cam chokes on his coffee, laughing even harder. "I don't see what's so funny," Eric rolls his eyes at his friend.

"What was this Marc was saying about Jared liking 'em young? Is it genetic?" Eric just waves his middle finger in front of Cam's face, and Jeff looks away because he's not sure what colour his face is.

"Did you want to go to the gym for a while?" Eric asks as they finish their coffee.

"Yeah, I was planning to head there," Cam nods. "Coming Jeff?"

"Yeah," Jeff says, draining the last of his coffee. "Let's go."

"You're driving though," Eric says as they leave Open Spaces. "We walked here."

"Oh, wow, trying for the Olympics next?" Cam teases.

"Apparently I'm a good influence on his lazy ass," Jeff snorts, bumping into Eric as he stops in front of Cam's car. Cam rolls his eyes, and lets them fight for shotgun.

They spend most of the afternoon at the gym. Eric takes a leg day; Cam does arms. Jeff just rides the bike even if it's not the best for his knee, and lifts a few weights, but he's not putting anything serious into it. It feels strange, not having to train, especially now that it's summer, but he doesn't say anything.

They go their separate ways after, mostly to eat and shower in the comfort of their own homes, but decide to meet up at the cove again after. As Jeff wanders down to the lobby to meet Eric, he runs into Jared in the stairs.

"Jeff, wait, please," Jared reaches out, and grabs Jeff by the shoulder before he can duck into the hall of the nearest floor. Jeff lets out a frustrated sigh. "It's been two weeks, Jeff," Jared says sadly, so Jeff turns around.

"I told you I didn't want people to know," Jeff spits out; he knows he sounds vicious, but he's still upset.

"It wasn't like I told random people," Jared says, exasperated. His frustration echoes through the empty stairwell. "It was our friends, okay?"

"Yeah, and I think that may be worse," Jeff huffs, "Because every time I look at Cam now, I can see him judging me."

"That's just Cam's face," Jared rolls his eyes. "Don't be mad, Jeff. Every time I see you hanging out with Eric, I think you'll want to come out with us or something, but you always disappear whenever Jordan or I show up."

"I'm not really into going out and partying anyway," Jeff shrugs, leaning against the wall. "Eric's been nice enough to put up with me while I try to get my life sorted out," Jeff says, but it sounds stupid, because he knows he's comfortable where he is- he hasn't done any life related sorting since he's settled into Holden.

"What about just hanging out and watching movies again sometime? What about coming to Mojo's? I'll still get you free ice cream, I swear." Jeff forces a smile.

"I'll let you know," he says. He's still embarrassed; he knows he shouldn't be around any of his friends, especially Jared, but he feels stupid for having taken it this far.

"Where are you going?" Jared asks, as Jeff tries to pass him and continue down the stairs.

"I'm going out with Eric and Cam," Jeff says, and Jared frowns.

"I was going to the gym, if you wanted to come with me," he says nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "Maybe, if you're not still mad at me."

"I'm not," Jeff says, feeling the fight drain from his lungs, "but I was just at the gym and I promised Eric I'd meet him." Jared's face twists into an unreadable expression, but he lets Jeff muscle past him on the stairs and head to the lobby.

"Sorry, were you waiting long?" Jeff asks as he walks up to Eric who's leaning against the wall, reading the bulletins pinned to the notice board.

"Not really," Eric turns around to face Jeff. "Did you run into someone?"

"Yeah, your brother," Jeff rolls his eyes. "I think we're good now, just for the record."

"I'll keep that in mind," Eric says with mild interest as they leave the building, and start wandering down the main road toward the cove.

The sun filters down from the sky, dusting the afternoon in a golden glow; it makes Eric's hair glisten an obnoxious shade of blonde, and highlights the soft skin on his face. Jeff's probably staring, because Eric's raising his eyebrow in his direction.

"Sorry, just, uh, the sun," Jeff says, but it's not quite an explanation. Eric doesn't ask for more though, and just leads the way down the beaten dirt path and up to the rock, where Cam is already waiting with a case of beer.

"We should go camping," Cam says when Eric and Jeff take a seat on either side of him. "It'll be fun," he adds as an afterthought, before passing a beer to Eric. "Want one?" He asks Jeff, who nods, and a cold beer is pressed into his hand.

"Thanks," Jeff says, and then stares at the bottle. "This isn't a twist top, is it?" Cam laughs, and it echoes around the cove, mocking him.

Eric reaches behind Cam and takes Jeff's beer from his hand, knocking it against a rock ledge to take the cap off. "Thank you," he says politely, before taking a gulp of the foam that's threatening to spill over the neck of the bottle.

"Camping sounds like a good idea," Eric says, tapping his beer with Cam's with a gentle clink. "We should do it before Marc leaves."

"Are you going to invite the kids, or should we round up some of the other guys?" Cam asks, and Jeff actually has to think for a minute before he realizes that most normal people have friends outside of their own siblings.

"I don't think Jared and Jordy will be into camping; we took 'em one year back when we still lived in Thunder Bay and they just complained the whole time," Eric rolls his eyes.

"They have jobs too," Cam says, rolling his eyes. "Jobs that don't give them summer vacation at any rate."

"What does Jordan even do?" Jeff asks, taking a sip of his beer. "I never see him during the day."

"He's a lowly construction grunt," Cam grins. "He looks ridiculous in a hard hat and safety vest, with his tool belt and all. You should try to catch him coming in one day from work. It's hilarious."

"I'll try," Jeff laughs, trying and failing to picture Jordan in a safety vest.

"So, camping," Cam says, going back to the original topic. "If you figure out a date that works for you and Marc, I can call up Tuomo, Jiri, Tim and Alex."

"Perfect. You're coming, right?" Eric asks Jeff as he pulls out his phone to text his brother.

"I, uh, I've never been camping," Jeff says nervously. "My sisters were never into it."

"Grew up in Ontario, and never been camping?" Eric sounds incredulous as he looks up from his phone. "Right, well you're definitely coming."

"It was always hockey first," Jeff admits. "I never had time to go camping. I don't have a sleeping bag or tent or anything either," he says, "And I really don't have money to buy one."

"I'm sure we've got an extra one somewhere you can borrow," Eric says. "You're welcome to share my tent too, or bunk with Marc."

"Cool, where do you guys camp?" Jeff asks, already looking forward to the wilderness excursion.

"We go bush whacking," Cam grins wolfishly. "We've found this nice spot a few hours south of here, that's right on the ocean. There's a gorgeous waterfall, great swimming hole, a natural hot spring, and a spectacular view of the coast a short hike up a mountain."

"You had me sold at camping," Jeff says, "but now I'm even more excited for this hot spring."

"It's a nice place," Eric agrees. "We'll drive near the site, park the cars, and hike in, so only bring as much as you can carry. We can talk more about it later of course, once Marc gets back to me about a date."

"It's not like I have a job or anything," Jeff rolls his eyes. "I'll just tell Alice I'm leaving. I'm sure she'll be fine with it."

"I'm glad you're coming with us," Cam says with a sideways smile. He doesn't say it, but Jeff understands what he means. _I like it when you're around._ It's a sentiment that Jeff appreciates.

That night when he gets home, he sits on the couch with his aunt. "I'm going camping with Eric and some of his friends next week," Jeff says before prattling off the dates Marc had finally given them.

"I'm glad you're getting along with the boys so well," Alice says happily, "but I thought you'd be spending more time with Jared or Jordan; they're closer to your age."

"I just get on with Eric better," Jeff shrugs. "We're into more of the same things," he says, because he doesn't want to tell his aunt he's not really interested in picking up at parties and talking about girls all the time like the other two.

"Well, I'm glad you've found friends here," Alice smiles. "Did you need anything for camping?"

"I think I can just borrow stuff from Eric, but thanks."

That night, Jeff starts digging out his swim trunks, some clean clothes, and a few other things he thinks will be useful (flashlight, matches, extra sweatshirt) to prepare for camping the coming weekend.

When a Skype call chimes on his laptop, Jeff doesn't even look at the name when he answers it, because he's too busy wondering if he should pack a pillow.

"Jeff!" Steven's voice echoes around his room, startling Jeff.

"Steven!"

"Who were you expecting, Sidney Crosby?"

"I don't know; I wasn't really paying attention," Jeff shrugs, dropping down on his bed, flashlight in one hand, a water bottle in another. "It's been a while," he adds. He hasn't talked to Steven since April, before his life turned upside down and he found himself in Holden Sound.

"You're not in your room... Where are you, Jeff?" Steven asks, peering at his laptop screen.

"Oh, check this room out, it's pretty cool," Jeff says, lifting his laptop and showing Steven the room. "I'm living with my aunt now, in Holden Sound out in BC. It's different, but I've got some friends out here now," Jeff smiles.

"Whoa," Steven grins. "I haven't seen your dimples in too long, kid. Put those away!"

"Yeah, yeah," Jeff rolls his eyes. "What's new with you? How's your summer been? How's your girl?"

"Not my girl anymore," Steven sighs sadly, and launches into a detailed explanation of what happened. Jeff listens, kind of, but he's mostly thinking about what shoes to bring camping.

"What about you? How's small town life treating you?"

"It's good," Jeff says honestly, and it startles him how much he means it. "I mean, I have some really good friends here, even if we fight over stupid things sometimes. I don't have a job and I'm not in school, but maybe I'll have one of those things soon," Jeff smiles at his screen, and Steven looks at him, almost in awe.

"You look so much better than when I saw you last," Steven says. "Whatever you did these past two months, keep it up."

"I've been going to the gym again too," Jeff tells him. "One of my friends here is an athletic trainer during the summer, and he's given me some pretty helpful tips."

"Are you skating again?" Steven asks, and Jeff stops because it's summer- skating has barely crossed his mind recently, even though he knows that when the Staals aren't with him, they spend their time at the rink- they just don't talk about it around Jeff and huh, he'd never thought about that before.

"No," he hangs his head dejectedly. His balance has marginally improved, and so has his knee, but he knows he's a long way off from skating again.

"I'm sure you'll get there," Steven says. "So what are you so distracted about?"

"I'm going camping for the first time this weekend," Jeff babbles excited. "I'm kind of freaking out about what to bring."

"Don't worry too much about it," Steven laughs. "It's just camping, Jeff, not a vacation. Just bring a tent, sleeping bag, flashlight, food, matches, and plenty of beer. Maybe something to grill on or with. A can opener is also a good idea."

"Thanks," Jeff says, knowing Eric will grab most of the things that Steven just listed and he doesn't have to worry about them.

"Your speech has gotten better," Steven says, after a moment of silence. Jeff jerks his head away from his water bottle, and frowns.

"Really? I haven't noticed," he says hopefully.

"Well, not going to lie, your pronunciation was pretty damn awful when I left. I mean, it's not where you were before, but it does sound better."

"I... Wow, I really didn't notice," Jeff says, finally tossing the things in his hand aside, and dropping onto his bed. "I talked more the first three days I got here than I did the last month I was back in Markham," Jeff says.

"I'm glad you're happier now," Steven says, and he seems genuinely interested in Jeff's wellbeing, so Jeff flashes him another dimpled smile.

It isn't after he's long finished talking to Steven, and he's lying in his bed, eyes to the ceiling slowly building more excited for camping, when he realizes he said "Markham" and he didn't think of it as home... Because to Jeff, home is now Holden, and he thinks he's perfectly fine with that.

On the last weekend of June they pack up Eric's truck with tents, sleeping bags, beer and coolers. Marc climbs into the front, leaving Jeff squished in the backseat.

"Who are we meeting?" Marc asks as Eric pulls onto the highway.

"Cam's bringing Tim and Tuomo; Alex and Jiri are coming too, I think."

"Sounds like we're going to need more beer," Marc laughs.

"Don't worry, we're stopping to pick up supplies soon," Eric tells them, and then twists around to look at Jeff. "You're about to have the best weekend of your life."

"Don't get his hopes up," Marc laughs, reaching over the console to smack Eric. Jeff just grins stupidly at the brothers, and sits quietly without complaint in the tiny back seat of Eric's truck.

An hour later, they pull over at a plaza that includes a supermarket, a liquor store and a hardware store. "I just need to grab a mallet and then I'll pick up more beer, so I'll meet you guys later," Marc says, crossing the parking lot.

"Get me a six pack of Pilsner!" Jeff calls over to Marc as Eric grabs a cart and heads for the supermarket. Jeff catches up to Eric, but turns around just in time to see Marc waving a middle finger in his direction. Jeff laughs.

"So, uh, what do we need?" Jeff asks, as they wander through the aisles.

"Water," Eric says, pointing to the shelf in front of them, and pulling a few large jugs of water into their cart. "Beer doesn't hydrate, and you can't cook much with it."

Jeff helps him grab some snacks, canned foods, fruit (including a massive watermelon), and various types of meat for the grill that Cam is bringing.

At the checkout, Jeff cringes when he sees the total, and thinks about the credit card that Alice gave him to use when he first moved in. "I can pay for this-"

"It's fine, don't worry about it," Eric smiles at him, and passes over his card like the few hundred dollars' worth of food, enough to feed eight grown men, is nothing.

They haul the food back to the truck, where they meet Marc who helps them distribute the load between the bags and coolers, before setting off again. Eric drives for another two and a half hours before he pulls onto a narrow gravel road that leads to a small lot, and parks the truck.

"We're here!" He announces giddily, hopping out of the truck and unloading the things from the back. Jeff takes his backpack and a couple coolers; they begin the hike down the narrow dirt path to the campsite.

"Oh, the food's here!" One of the guys Jeff doesn't recognize calls. He sees they're the last ones to arrive, probably because of how long they took at the supermarket. There are already two tents set up, and space laid out for two more. Jeff dumps his stuff on the ground and sits on a log near the fire pit Cam's building to take a swig of his water bottle.

"Guys, this is Jeff," Marc says, introducing him to their friends. "That's Tim," he says pointing to the guy who had called out when they first arrived. "Tuomo, or Ruu as we call him, is over there with Cam trying to fix the tent just fell over, and the two whispering in the corner are Alex and Jiri."

Jeff nods at them before Eric beckons him over. "Can you give me a hand?"

"Yeah," Jeff agrees, and grabs a tent pole. He's never set up a tent before but the process seems pretty straight forward.

"Here, just slide it through the slot in the front," Eric says, coming up behind him to check what he's doing. He locks the pole in place, and grabs the mallet from Marc to hammer the pegs in- then there's a tent big enough for two, standing in front of them, as Eric hammers in the other million pegs, and straightens the fly.

Jeff grabs his bags, and crawls inside the tent; it smells fresh, like it's been recently cleaned. He unrolls his sleeping mat and sleeping bag on one side as Eric does the same on the other, swearing as he knocks his head on the top a few times.

"Pays to be short sometimes," Jeff snorts as Eric rubs his head and sticks his tongue out in Jeff's general direction.

"Put that away; you're not twelve," Jeff scolds.

"Right, sorry, that's you," Eric laughs, tossing his bag aside and crawling out of the tent.

"I resent that," Jeff yells, following Eric back to the fire pit, where Alex is trying to get a fire started.

Jeff finally settles on a log, and takes a good look at his surroundings. There are trees taller than he's ever seen looming high above their heads, blossoming in a thousand shades of green.

Off in the distance, he can see mountains capped with snow despite the summer, and the sky is a brilliant blue, streaked with fluffy clouds of white. He hears the waves from what he assumes must be the ocean; the chirping of birds pierces the sound of Jiri's laughter. Jeff smiles, and relaxes.

"Put those dimples away," Cam says, dropping onto the log next to him. "You’re not trying to get anything here. Have you seen the ocean yet?"

"Not yet," Jeff says. "I’m too busy wondering how these trees can grow so tall."

"Hundreds of years," Cam grinned. "We’re going swimming soon; get something on," he says, patting Jeff on the shoulder before disappearing again. Jeff nods and crawls back into his own tent to change into his trunks.

Eric comes in just as Jeff is putting his shirt back on. "Shit," Eric hisses, and Jeff follows his line of sight to his right knee, and sighs. He doesn’t wear shorts out for this reason; the scars are deep and obnoxious against his skin. He flinches.

"It’s fine; barely even hurts anymore," Jeff says, but the way he limps out of the tent doesn’t do much to help his case.

The guys grab beers and wander down to the ocean front; Jeff’s not sure what he’s expecting to see when they reach the tree line, but it definitely isn’t this.

The ocean laps against the shores of a small, sandy beach. The shore is curved in, providing shelter from the strong ocean currents. There are blue skies, dotted with aquatic birds and large protruding rocks that are perfect to sit on.

"The hot spring we were talking about is just over there," Cam says from behind Jeff, pointing off to the right of the beach. "The best diving spot is down there," he adds, pointing a bit farther down the beach.

"This is insane," Jeff breathes, tasting the ocean in his breath. "How did you find this place?"

"Years and years of fighting bushes and losing," Eric says, steering Jeff toward the rocks where everyone else seems to have gathered.

"Whoa, what happened to your knee?" Marc asks as Jeff drops his towel on the rocks next to him.

"Hockey," Jeff sighs.

"Ouch, sorry man," Marc cringes. Jeff just shrugs, and ducks when he tosses Eric sunscreen over his head.

Jiri is the first one in the water; his shriek about the temperature echoes through the bay and everyone laughs before following him in with equally hilarious reactions and flailing arms.

Jeff's the last one in, just watching the guys splash around until Eric grabs him by the arm and hauls him in with them, dunking his head under.

"Asshole," Jeff sputters, spitting out a mouthful of saltwater, but there's no bite behind it. He reaches for Eric, trying to haul him under, but he ducks away, leaving Jeff with an armful of Cam, who gives him a brief apologetic smile before shoving him under the surface again.

Tim and Alex procure a football from somewhere, and they spend a while tossing it back and forth while periodically trying to dunk each other. It's a good way to waste an afternoon.

After Jeff swims to the shore to catch his breath, he splays out on top of his towel on a rock, and relaxes, letting the sun dry his body. It's calming; it's everything he was looking for.

"Did you want to go to the hot spring?" Eric asks from where he's stretched out next to Jeff, displaying miles of legs and lean muscle.

"Yeah," Jeff agrees easily, and nobody even turns when he and Eric pick up their towels, and wander off.

Jeff can feel his muscles loosen as he sinks into the hot spring, letting the water wash over his body. "Thanks for bringing me out here," he tells Eric, his voice sounding strange in the natural calm.

"I thought you'd enjoy it," Eric grins lopsidedly, watching as Jeff massages his knee under the water. "How's your knee feeling?" He asks, and Jeff jerks his head up, because he knows Eric watches him limp around all the time, but he's never asked about it before.

"It doesn't hurt so much anymore," Jeff says finally. "I mean, it's really stiff, and I need to stretch it all the time, but it's fine. If it were just my knee, I'd probably still be able to skate a bit, and play hockey, even if it's just in a rec league."

Eric frowns. "Why can't you skate then, if it's not just your knee?"

"My balance is all off," Jeff scrunches his face up in disgust. "I can't walk straight on my worse days."

"Jesus, Jeff," Eric sighs, and scoots closer to him on the rocky ledge where they sit. "What the hell happened to you, kid?"

Jeff stares at the water for a long time before answering, watching the crystal clear liquid swirl around his legs and torso. "Back in January, I was playing pond hockey with some friends. They were fast, so I was trying to keep up. I wasn't looking and took a good knee-on-knee hit; luckily I didn't break Steven or Tampa Bay might be trying to kill me. I did break myself though.

"It was supposed to be my draft year, you know? I thought it couldn't get any worse, and then on the way to the hospital, I, uh, I had a stroke," Jeff chokes out before he can stop himself.

"Shit. Jeff, that's…" Eric trails off, like he's not too sure what to say in the situation. Jeff pointedly doesn't look at him, and instead focuses on clenching and unclenching his hands, trying not to cry. God, he's trying so damn hard not to think about it, but it comes rushing back to him.

He will never forget that panic, waking up in a hospital bed unable to feel anything on the right side of his body. "It's why I talk funny," Jeff says, like it justifies the bomb he just dropped on Eric.

Eric raises an arm above the water, like he's trying to reach for Jeff, but just lets it drop again and shakes his head. "God, I don’t even know what to say," he chuckles, an awkward sound surrounded by the swirling water and singing birds.

"Then don't say anything," Jeff says, his voice cracking. "I just, well I uh, I… I thought you should know," he added twisting his fingers together.

"Hey, Jeff," Eric says, and this time he reaches across under the water to untangle Jeff's hands. "Thank you for telling me," he says. His voice is soft, and when Jeff finally looks up Eric's eyes are full of worry, like he's actually _concerned_ about Jeff's well-being.

Jeff feels his cheeks flush when he realizes Eric still hasn't let go of his hand. "Let's go back to the campsite," he says finally, looking up at the sky. The dark is starting to roll in on the horizon, and he's sure his stomach thinks its dinner time. Eric gives his hand a quick squeeze before hauling his body from the water; Jeff watches the droplets roll of miles of smooth skin and toned muscle, only to see Eric offering him a hand out.

They eat around the campfire, laughing about how Alex had managed to slice his arm open on a rock, and Marc's terrible slap shot. The sun fades away fast; Jeff drinks his beer and mostly listens to the voices slowly growing familiar to him.

The nights get cold. Jeff shivers under his thin sweatshirt, and eventually stretches and says, "I'm going to call it a night." Eric nods in acknowledgement and Marc waves before Jeff disappears into the tent he's sharing with Eric. The guys must turn sooner rather than later, because just as Jeff slides into his pajamas and sleeping bag, the tent unzips and Eric crawls in.

Jeff makes a bit of a snuffling noise, and Eric frowns. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Nah, I just got settled," Jeff snuggles into his sleeping bag. "I just wanted to lie down since it's freezing out," he shivers, rubbing his hands together and shoving them in his armpits.

"Yeah, it gets pretty cold out here at night," Eric notes, peeling off his shirt and replacing it with another one. Jeff turns away when he goes for his shorts, and later, when Jeff turns around again, Eric is sprawled out in his sleeping bag, reaching from one end of the tent to the other.

"You're really tall," Jeff says stupidly, and Eric laughs, a deep belly laugh that fills the tent.

Jeff wakes up in the middle of the night from the cold. It comes from the ground and seeps into his sleeping bag like winter creeping in. He shivers violently and tries not to let his teeth chatter. Eventually, he curls up in the tightest ball he can and tries to keep his body warm, sticking his icy hands in his armpits, but it doesn't work.

"Fuck," Jeff hisses, as he crawls from the sleeping bag to find his sweatshirt, only to find it lying in the dew outside the tent.

"Everything okay?" Eric asks sleepily, poking his head out from where he's burrowed deep in his own sleeping bag. Jeff groans.

"Sorry if I woke you; I'm freezing and my sweatshirt's damp."

"Here," Eric says, reaching out with one of his freakishly long arms, and tossing his grey sweatshirt at the general direction of Jeff's head. "It'll be big on you but it's warm."

"Thanks," Jeff said, but Eric only snores, and Jeff smiles, pulling the sweatshirt over his head. It's a lot warmer when he crawls back into the sleeping bag, and he sleeps until the morning sun wakes him around ten the next day.

He's still wearing Eric's sweatshirt in the morning when he crawls out to join everyone for breakfast. Cam barks out a laugh when he sees Jeff wearing Eric's shirt with the sleeves rolled up a few times to allow Jeff access to his hands. "Shut up," Jeff groans.

"I didn't say anything," Cam chuckles, but he does reach over and tug the sleeves down so they fall over Jeff's hands. Jeff only scowls in his direction as he reaches for the box of corn flakes. He can deal with Cam being an asshole, he supposes, if it means he doesn't have to wear his own damp sweatshirt.

Alex, Jiri, and Ruu take off hiking early in the day, disappearing into the thick bushes near the campsite within minutes, followed by the sound of their loud conversational chatter. "Did you want to go to the hot spring?" Marc asks, and he's followed by Tim and Cam off toward the beach. Jeff contemplates moving, but he's lazy and comfortable sprawled out on this log nursing the campfire that the guys had used to make a hot breakfast earlier, so he stays put.

It isn't until he tilts his head up that he realizes Eric is also still loitering around the campsite, cleaning up the mess the others left behind. "Here," Jeff says, snagging a garbage bag for Eric to toss the plastic into. "Why are you cleaning up after them?"

"It bothers me to see this place a mess," he shrugs. "It's not a big deal. I just like being out here, no matter what I’m doing."

"I should adopt that attitude," Jeff says, though he feels like he already has since moving to Holden- he just spent half an hour laying on a log communing with nature. He didn’t do that back in Markham.

"We live in the most beautiful place on earth," Eric says, and Jeff remembers how he said something similar that first morning they had coffee with Cam.

"It really is," Jeff agrees, dropping the half full trash bag near a tree, and stretching. "Did you want to go swimming?"

"Of course, just let me change," Eric says and disappears inside the tent. They spend their afternoon fooling around on the beach, later joined by Marc, Cam and Tim who reappear from the hot spring. When Jeff's knee starts aching unbearably, he gives in and crawls atop the rock to watch the guys fool around and just enjoys basking in the heat of summer.

Eric hauls himself up onto the rock not too long after, shaking his hair like a dog and spraying Jeff in the salty water. "Ew, keep that to yourself," he laughs, grabbing Eric's towel and smacking him in the face with it. Eric plops himself down next to Jeff, and asks, "Hot spring? You look like you could use it."

"Yeah, it'll be good for my knee," Jeff agrees, so he follows Eric off to the spring, ignoring Tim's yell as Cam lands an impressively large splash of water over his head.

"I'm really glad I met you," Jeff blurts out. "If I'd been left with Jared, I probably wouldn't love Holden as much as I do now. It's been good to me," Jeff smiles at his hands as he lowers himself into the hot spring.

"Do you miss Markham?" Eric asks.

Jeff thinks about the concrete jungle and lingering scent of motor oil, and cringes. "Not really," he sighs. "I mean, I don't really have friends there anymore- they stopped talking to me after the injury, and I stopped going to school."

"It's not too late, you know," Eric reminds Jeff. "You can always go back to school, and make new friends, and build a new life."

"Not in Markham though," Jeff says. "Those days are over, whether I like it or not. Besides, PK's in Montreal, and Steven's in Tampa Bay now. I have no reason to go back there."

"You can do it here," Eric says, and Jeff jerks his head up because it just hadn't occurred to him before. "Go back to school, I mean," Eric clarifies. "Cam and I could help you out; get your life started in a new direction. You were shooting for the NHL, right?"

"Yeah," Jeff says, wondering how Eric figured it out.

"You looked good at the gym," Eric says, answering Jeff's unasked question. "You're friends with professional hockey players, and you were so disappointed you couldn't skate that you didn’t care that your parents shipped you off to the middle of nowhere."

"I don't think she intended it to be, but it was the best birthday present I've ever gotten from my mother," Jeff says almost sadly. "She was just so fucking frustrating," he gripes. "I mean, for weeks I couldn't tie my own shoes or use a fork, and she wouldn't even look in my direction when I asked for help."

"That's got to be rough," Eric says, and Jeff wants to keep talking, but he clamps his teeth tight, because he knows if he does he's going to spew more emotions than he ever wanted. "I can't imagine what it'd be like having to relearn basic things like tying my shoes," Eric says, looking at Jeff. "I'm glad it worked out for you."

"It didn't though," Jeff says, frustration clouding his head. "I still can't fucking skate."

"Have you tried recently?" Eric asks.

"Well, no, but-"

"Well stop saying you can't do it if you haven't tried yet," Eric lectures him sternly. "When we get back to Holden, I'll take you to the rink and we'll try getting you on skates again. If nothing comes of it, then you can say you can't skate."

Jeff can't object to that, so he just stews silently, glaring at Eric, even though he knows Eric's just trying to help him.

"I mean it though," Eric says quietly, after a moment of silence. "I can get you enrolled in school for September, and Cam and I will help you out if you need it. You can study something related to hockey; it can still be a part of your life, you know.

"We'll start slow. We'll get you skating again. We'll get over this."

"You keep saying we," Jeff whispers, his voice almost lost under the sound of the spring. "Why do you want to help me so much?"

"You're my friend, Jeff," Eric says, incredulous. "I like to see my friends succeed."

"But what if I don't?" Jeff asks. His voice feels small; he feels small, dwarfed by the tall trees that encircle them.

"You will," Eric says confidently, "and if you don't, we can try something else." That makes Jeff smile for reasons he doesn't understand.

"Have some confidence in yourself, Jeff," Eric tells him. "It's not your fault that life's a bitch sometimes, so just play the hand you're dealt."

"Yeah," Jeff agrees, and they move on to lighter topics for the rest of the day.

That night, Jeff tosses and turns, unable to get to sleep. From Eric's breathing and the rustling of the sleeping bag he can tell he's not the only one. "What was the worst part?" Eric breaks the silence. Jeff doesn't need to wonder what Eric's asking about.

"I wet the bed for two weeks after leaving the hospital," Jeff says; he's glad it's dark because he doesn't want to know what shade of red his face is. He has no idea why he just sputtered that out of all things when there were a million things he could've said instead.

Jeff curls into a tight ball in his sleeping bag, waiting for a reaction. He hears a rustle and peeks up over the hoodie of Eric's sweatshirt which he still hadn't returned. Eric's unzipping his own sleeping bag and sitting upright, looking at Jeff through the dark, like he's scrutinizing him.

"I'm sorry," he says, and reaches out to gently ruffle Jeff's hair affectionately.

"Don't apologize," Jeff says. "It wasn't your fault."

"It wasn't yours either," Eric reminds him, but Jeff disagrees, because it was very much his decision to get drunk and play pond hockey during his winter break.

"Maybe the knee injury was your fault," Eric says, and Jeff sniffles; he's trying not to cry but he can already feel the tears swelling in the back of his eyes. "The stroke though… God, you had no control over that. Regardless of what happened to your knee, it would probably have happened."

Jeff sticks his fingers out of the sleeves and rubs his eyes; he can't help the tears that slide down his face. He burrows into his pillow and takes a deep breath. "I was stupid. I read that it might've been caused by binge drinking-"

"It could have been anything," Eric says. "There are thousands of cases of strokes in young people that happen without logical explanation every year. It wasn't your fault, Jeff." He doesn't understand why, but it sets him off. The tears are coming faster than he can stop them and Eric has to know he's crying when a muffled sob wrenches its way from his gut.

"Oh, Jeff…" Eric just sounds so gentle when he reaches out, and presses a warm hand against Jeff's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you."

Jeff wants to tell him everything's fine but he can't get a word out without sobbing anymore; he's full out bawling, which is embarrassing because he hasn't cried like this since he was a child. He feels Eric's hands on his body, gently tugging him from his sleeping bag. He allows it to happen, trying to hide his face.

He's sure his eyes are swollen, and his cheeks are blotchy and red. He's probably a river of snot and tears, which doesn't look good on anybody. Eric wraps his arms around Jeff, tucking his body in close, and Jeff is so humiliated that it doesn't even bother him when Eric lets him tuck his face into his neck, and rubs his back until he can breathe again.

Jeff lets out a weak hiccupping sniffle, and finally risks a glance up at Eric, who mostly looks concerned. "Shit, sorry for leaking all over you," Jeff says, but he doesn't pull away, snuggling into the warmth of Eric's body. When Eric doesn't push him away, Jeff takes it as permission to wriggle around so that he's properly wrapped in Eric's embrace, because Eric is comfortable, dammit.

"Hey, it's fine, if you need to cry," Eric tells him softly. His voice rumbles low in his chest and Jeff shivers.

"What about this?" Jeff asks, squirming a bit, until he's locked tight in Eric's arms.

"If you need this too, it's fine," Eric says, and Jeff burrows back into the curve of Eric's neck and reminds himself to breathe. It doesn't stop the tears from coming back. Jeff paws stupidly at Eric's chest when he feels the grip around him loosen, but Eric just gently pushes him off. "Give me a second, Jeff. I'm going to make this more comfortable."

Jeff turns even redder, if possible. "Sorry," he sniffles, and wipes at his face with his sleeve. He feels so small, and insignificant- young, and stupid here next to Eric, who seems to have the world on a string. He watches through blurred eyes as Eric pushes the two sleeping mats next to each other, and zips the two sleeping bags together.

Jeff chews his lip; he's sure his shame is written boldly across his face but when Eric opens his arms, Jeff is quick to slide back into his grasp and shove his face into his chest. "I've never, uh, nobody's ever hugged me like this before," Jeff says. He says 'hugged' because he doesn't want to admit aloud that he's cuddling with Eric. He doesn't know why he's cuddling with Eric. He just knows it makes him feel a bit better.

"Then let me," Eric says, and Jeff relaxes in one fell swoop, loose and boneless in Eric's arms. Eric tugs the sleeping bag tight around them and envelopes Jeff in his arms. "Sleep, Jeff. You'll feel better in the morning." Jeff's eyes slide shut, because for some reason, he believes Eric.

Jeff does feel better in the morning. When he wakes up his eyes are red and sore, but he doesn't feel like a car crash waiting to happen. He squirms a bit, and flushes red when he realizes he's still pressed against Eric's chest. "Hey," Eric says softly when he sees Jeff has woken up.

"Morning," Jeff mumbles, and carefully extracts himself from the sleeping bag, stretching out his sore limbs. "Sorry about crying all over you and stuff."

"Hey, it's fine," Eric says, and Jeff's not looking but he can feel the eyes on him. "So I was thinking we could go on a hike for our last day here, if you're up for it," Eric says, changing the topic abruptly. Jeff thinks he can sense the discomfort.

"Yeah, that sounds good," Jeff says, and leaves the tent to find some breakfast.

He spends most of breakfast talking to Jiri about the Maple Leafs, and Tim about the weather (it's just so damn sunny, it's worth talking about). He doesn't realize it's past noon until Tim says, "Shit, I promised Alex I'd go swimming with him," and disappears to grab a case of beer.

Jeff wanders over to where Eric is talking to Ruu near the tents. "Hiking?" he inquires, and Eric nods.

"Did you want to come?" Eric asks Ruu. "I was going to show Jeff the mountain, where you can see the whole coastline."

"Nah, I'm feeling lazy today, and we did that yesterday," he smiles. "I'm probably going swimming in a little bit, so I'll see you later."

"Yeah, sounds good," Eric says, and turns his attention to Jeff. "Are you ready to go?" Jeff nods and follows Eric as he directs them down a trail that leads into what looks like dense shrubbery.

"I hope you know where you're going," Jeff groans, pushing a branch aside so it doesn't smack him across the face.

"I always know where I'm going," Eric says, and Jeff pointedly rolls his eyes when an hour later, it's obvious they're lost.

"I thought you always knew where you were going," Jeff says, hopping over a protruding tree root, and watching as Eric contemplates a fork in the trail. "Though I guess if I'm going to die, this isn't a bad place to be," Jeff adds as an afterthought.

"Quit being so melodramatic," Eric says, and takes the right fork; Jeff has to hurry to keep up with him. "Look, Jeff, come here." Jeff lets out an exaggerated sigh before walking up to where Eric's standing, and oh- his jaw drops in shock.

From the side of the mountain they've climbed, there's a gorgeous panoramic view of the whole cove: the ocean splashing against the rocky shores, the tall trees that stretch toward the clouds and the birds soaring high in the air. Jeff has to remind himself to breathe.

"I didn't know the world could look like this," Jeff says, voice low, like he's afraid he'll ruin the moment by speaking. "This is…"

"Amazing. Spectacular. Breathtaking. Unreal. Fabulous. Unbelievable." Eric supplies a few words, and Jeff chuckles; his knee hurts so he leans against Eric a bit. Eric throws a lazy arm around his shoulders, keeping him in place. Jeff doesn't know why, but standing here atop this mountain he feels like he belongs.

They hike further up; it takes another two hours before they reach the top, and then they're high above the clouds, sweat dripping from their brows. Eric unpacks the picnic they brought, and they sit on the edge of the world and eat their late lunch.

"I can't believe this is my life," Jeff says, taking a gulp of his beer and watching eagles swerve through the trees around them. "I can't believe this isn't a movie. Doesn't it look like a movie to you?"

"It does," Eric agrees and leans back against the rock, closing his eyes. Jeff follows suit, and before he knows it he's drifting off.

"Shit," Jeff yawns, waking up a few hours later. "We should go back."

"Probably," Eric says, with his eyes half-lidded, body stretched out long and languid against the rocks. He looks content lying there, and Jeff hates to be the logical one but he knows sunset is coming soon. It does come, perhaps faster than either of them expect.

They're mostly down the mountain and back on the main trail when the sun goes down. Eric points off into the horizon, and Jeff looks to see the sky illuminated in the most brilliant purples and pinks he's ever seen. "That's…" He stops, because he doesn’t have words for what he's feeling.

"Yeah, it is," Eric agrees to his silence, and they stop for a while to watch the sun disappear behind the ocean. "Let's go back." Jeff silently agrees.

It gets cold quickly after the sun fades. Jeff's shivering by the time they stumble back onto the campsite. "Hot spring?" he asks Eric, because going to sleep in his freezing cold sleeping bag does not sound appealing. Eric nods, because it’d be stupid to turn down an excuse to soak in the hot spring.

They wander over to the hot spring before Jeff realizes neither of them have swim trunks. "It's fine," Eric says, reading his mind and stripping to his boxers, and okay, it's not like Jeff hasn’t seen another guy in boxers before, it's just that Jeff hasn't seen _Eric_ in boxers before.

He tries not to stare and probably fails, because Eric has the body that Jeff has always envied; miles of tan skin dusted with blonde hairs and toned muscles stretching across the length of his body. He looks like a hockey player. Jeff hastily strips to his boxers and hops into the hot spring, and pretends he doesn't see Eric looking at him too, sizing him up. Jeff wishes he'd bulked up more while training with Cam.

He's not sure why he's so self-conscious; he's been mostly naked around Steven and PK many times, especially in the locker room, but this feels different and Jeff isn't sure why. He still can't wrap his head around it as he sinks into the warmth of the hot spring and tries to relax despite his buzzing mind.

"Are you feeling okay? You look tense," Eric says, and Jeff blushes. "Stop thinking so hard and enjoy your last night here," Eric tells him, and Jeff nods.

"Sorry, I just-" He stops, because he has no idea what he's saying. "You have a really nice body," Jeff spits out before he can regret it. His face flushes red after, because what the fuck was that. Friends don't say shit like that to each other. Jeff wants to dig a hole and bury himself in it.

"Thanks," Eric says, smiling softly; his face looks soft around the edges in the glow of the moonlight. Jeff feels like the cover of a romance novel, sitting in a hot spring at midnight. "You're not too bad yourself," he says softly, and there's no teasing tone behind his voice, though Jeff finds it hard to believe he's serious.

"Nothing compared to you," he says shyly, because apparently he has no brain to mouth filter anymore. Eric just chuckles, and shakes his head. Conversation stops because Jeff clamps his teeth down on his tongue to stop himself from saying anything stupid.

"Are you ready to go to bed, Jeff?" Eric asks after what feels like only minutes in the spring.

"I guess I have to be," Jeff sighs, stretching his body to try and ease out the last of the stiffness from the long day hiking. "I'm sure everyone else is already asleep."

"I bet they're all still drinking at the campsite," Eric snorts. "It's the last night here. Nobody wants to go to bed. Last year when we did this, I'm sure Marc and Cam didn't actually sleep, and Alex passed out on a rock at six AM."

"You guys are nuts," Jeff says, but he says it fondly, like he should include a hair ruffle or pat on the back with it. Eric laughs, and he and Jeff haul themselves from the hot spring, and wander back to the campsite where as promised, everyone else is sprawled out around the fire with alcoholic beverages.

"Where the fuck were you guys? Why are you all wet?" Cam asks over a bottle of something that looks oddly like Russian vodka (Jeff doesn't really want to know).

"Hot spring. Forgot our swimsuits," Eric says, moving toward the tent to change. Jeff waits outside the tent to give him a bit of privacy, and when Eric reappears, Jeff ducks into the tent to put on something warm and dry as well. He comes out wearing Eric's sweatshirt again (he's never getting that back now).

When he drops down on the log next to Eric, Ruu laughs. "You guys are cute together," he says, and what does that even mean? Jeff frowns, and Eric shakes his head at his friend.

"We're not together dude."

"Right, you only wish you were," Cam snickers, and Eric just sighs and puts his face into his hands. Jeff is looking between them, confused.

"What the hell, guys? He's not even gay?" Jeff means it as a statement, but it definitely comes out a question, one he gets the answer to when everyone, Marc included, just laughs. Eric, apparently, is quite gay and Jeff needs a quick gaydar tune up.

"You guys are assholes," Eric says, but when he lifts his face from his hands he's laughing too.

When they finally do crawl into the tent, Jeff sees that the sleeping bags are still zipped together, a reminder of the previous night, and his face burns. "We can, uh, pull them apart if you want," Jeff says, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"I'm lazy," Eric shrugs, flopping down onto the sleeping surface and rolling his eyes. "As long as you don't mind." Jeff shrugs, and crawls into the sleeping bags next to Eric.

"I had no idea," he says quietly.

"I don't advertise it," Eric says, "but I've never really hid it. My friends know."

"I didn't know," Jeff frowns. "I was too busy worrying about myself-"

"Jeff, you didn't know because I didn't tell you," Eric says, reaching out to rub his shoulder. "It's fine, okay? I'm not mad at you, so you shouldn't be either."

"I really had no idea though," Jeff sighs. "I feel like I should know you better. We're together pretty much every day."

"If it helps, I don't know if you are either," Eric says quietly.

"Me neither," Jeff says. "I mean, I've thought about it before obviously, but it just… It never seemed important, you know?"

"Yeah, I do," Eric says, and when Jeff moves toward him, Eric tugs him close, and holds him to his chest.

"This is kind of gay though," Jeff snorts, breaking the serious tone. Eric laughs, burying his face into Jeff's hair.

"Just a bit," he says, but neither of them pulls away, so they fall asleep like that, with Jeff snuggled up to Eric's chest.

They wake up late the next morning, and it's a mad scramble to get everything packed up. When it's time to leave and Jiri and Alex have already disappeared, Jeff can't find Eric anywhere. "Do you know where he went?" he asks Cam, who shrugs.

"Try the beach," Marc suggests. "He likes it there."

"Thanks," Jeff says, and true to Marc's word Eric is sitting on the rocky shore, just staring out into the ocean. "You know," Jeff says, coming up behind him, "You can come back here as soon as tomorrow. Why do you look so sad about leaving?"

"I'm not sad about leaving," Eric says, and upon closer inspection, his face looks calm, or perhaps wistful rather than upset. Jeff sits down on the rock next to him, and when Eric holds his arm out, Jeff takes the invitation to slump against his side.

"I am," Jeff says, watching the ocean swell against the shore.

"You shouldn't be," Eric says softly. "I can bring you back here sometime, if you like."

"Yeah," Jeff smiles at the wind. "That'd be nice."

"We should probably get going," Eric sighs after a while. "I bet Marc's getting antsy by now." Jeff follows him back to the campsite, where Marc is now alone, tapping his foot on a rock.

"There you are," he rolls his eyes. "We should get going; everyone else is gone, everything's clean and we're all packed."

"Yeah, yeah," Eric tosses him his keys. "You can drive back." Marc laughs, but catches the keys without argument and grabs his backpack and tent.

"Alright guys," Marc rolls his eyes. "Let's go." Jeff takes one last look at the tall trees around him, and begins the hike back to the truck.

●●●

Marc leaves on the second Wednesday of July. It's technically Marc's goodbye dinner, but everyone just wants an excuse to eat out and get together; it's mostly Marc and Eric's friends: Cam, Ruu, Tim, Alex, Jiri, and a few guys Jeff still hasn't met, plus the brothers.

"Are you going back to New York?" Jeff asks over his food. They're eating at a Chinese restaurant called 'Jade' that serves authentic cuisine, or something. Jeff doesn't really pay attention; he just orders something that looks good.

"Not right away. I have to stop in Thunder Bay for a few days to see the parents, and then I'm going to a training camp in Toronto with some friends for a little while. I'll be back in New York in mid-August, in time for training camp."

"That sounds like a tight schedule," Jordan says, his mouth stuffed with spring rolls. "I'm glad I didn't go pro."

"Chew before you talk," Eric says without looking at Jordan; Jared snorts into his rice.

"Yeah," Marc agrees, looking critically at Eric. "It's a tight schedule, but it's nice to be able to relax for a bit every summer and not worry about what I'm eating or when I'm in the gym next."

"Don't look at me like that," Eric rolls his eyes. "If I wasn’t here, you wouldn't be either."

"True," Marc says. "I don't know why you didn't put yourself in the draft though," Marc says. "You're better than me."

"Jordan's the best," Eric says, "And he didn't put himself in the draft either."

"That's because Jordan's dumb as a brick," Jared supplies.

"Hey!"

"That's probably why he didn't try to get drafted," Eric laughs.

"Fuck all of you guys," Jordan curses, but he's smiling so he's probably not that mad.

After Marc leaves, everything seems to quiet down into that lull of summer. The sun shines every day, so Jeff spends most of his afternoons at the cove with Eric. When he's not there, he's either at the park throwing a football around with Jared, eating ice cream at Mojo's, or at the gym with Cam.

He does spend a few hours every week at the bookshop with his aunt too, helping her tidy and shelve a few volumes, because he's not an ungrateful little shit. "Are you still looking for a real job?" She asks him as she shoves a broom into his hand.

"Not really," he admits. "It's a small town, and there's not a lot going on here in terms of job opportunities.

"You should help out more here then. I don’t know where you go every day," she rolls her eyes. "I'm happy you've made some friends, but you really should find some direction-"

"I'm going out," Jeff says, dropping the broom and leaving the bookshop, because he doesn't need his daily internal monologue verbalized. He stews silently as he walks toward the cove; these days, he doesn't go without checking to see if Eric wants to tag along first, but he just needs to get away from the town right now so he wanders over there alone.

He's pushing a branch away from his face when it happens; his whole right side goes numb again, the tingling feeling flushing down his body like a wave of heat. The dizziness crashes through his head like a metallic bang, and he collapses in the bushes on the side of the path.

He doesn’t think about getting up, because he doesn't know if he can use his body right now. Instead, Jeff leans back against the branch, and squeezes his eyes shut. He tries not to think about karma, or what he could've done to deserve it. He takes a deep breath. He waits.

Jeff has never felt as stupid in his life as he does right now, lying in the bushes on the side of a narrow dirt path, covered in leaves and waiting for someone to find him because he can't crawl his sorry ass to the road.

He knows if he had a cell phone, he could call his aunt- or maybe even better, an ambulance. His head swims; he's thinking too hard. He closes his eyes again and tries not to vomit. He's not sure how long he waits. The feeling in the right side of his body doesn't return. He's not sure if he can walk. He wonders how long it'll be before his aunt realizes he's missing.

Jeff must get lucky because not too long after contemplating an attempt to crawl he hears rustling, like someone trying to find their way to the cove. If he's lucky, it's Cam because Cam always brings his car around. It isn't Cam- it's Eric.

"Jesus Christ, Jeff," he says after he almost trips over Jeff's leg, leaning over him and frowning, because Jeff probably looks like a retard lying in the bushes. "What are you doing down there?"

"I can't walk," Jeff says, or tries to say. His voice comes out weak, and garbled. He leans over, and struggles to sit up properly, but flops backward again. "Eric, I…" He trails off. He feels like he's going to faint. He's scared- Jeff hasn’t been this scared in a long time, perhaps since January.

"Jeff," Eric says softly, reaching forward to pull him upright. "I don't have the truck with me, but I can call you an ambul-"

"Yes," Jeff chokes out before Eric can finish his sentence. "Please," he adds, but his voice is lost somewhere in his throat. He just wants Eric to get him out of the stupid bush. He wonders how long he'd been lying there; he's lost all sense of time. His head hurts.

When Eric helps him up, the world spins before him. He leans heavily against Eric's sturdy body. Suddenly Eric hooks an arm under his legs, and lifts him, bridal style. "Fucking hell," Jeff gasps as the ground drops from beneath his feet and Eric carries him to the road where he places Jeff down on the curb to wait for the ambulance.

"You're welcome," Eric laughs despite the worry across his face and ruffles Jeff's hair before putting an arm around him and holding him tightly against his side.

When the ambulance comes and Eric helps him into the back, the attendant looks at him critically. "What happened?" she asks as Eric picks leaves out of his hair.

"I think I had another stroke," Jeff says, and her face blanches.

"Right then," she says. "We'll have to get you checked out."

Eric must've called Alice, because when Jeff wakes up in a hospital bed he didn't fall asleep in, Eric is gone and Alice is by his side. "Sorry," he says weakly; his voice is scratchy, his throat sore.

"How are you feeling?" A chipper nurse dances into the room with a clipboard. Jeff tests his right side out; he flexes his toes, wiggles his fingers and smiles with the right side of his face.

"Better," he decides. "Where's Eric?"

"He went to get coffee," Alice smiles. "The poor guy has been here all night while you've been sleeping. I dare say you've got a good friend here." Jeff frowns.

"What time is it? Wait, what day is it?"

"You've been asleep all night," the nurse supplies helpfully as she takes Jeff's vitals. "We're just monitoring you to make sure there's nothing weird happening, but it's pretty straightforward-"

"You don't think having two strokes in under a year is weird?" Jeff asks.

"It's plenty weird, especially at your age-"

"Then what are we doing about it?" Jeff asks, frustrated.

"There will be a doctor here to explain later," the nurse says. "Until then, you look healthy, so just hang tight."

"I hate people," Jeff groans, as Alice nods in agreement.

"Why are you here?" he asks Alice. "You should be in your shop."

"Even I can use a day off once in a while, especially if my nephew is in the hospital," Alice scolds him. "Besides, I needed to sign the paperwork since you were unconscious."

"I wasn't unconscious; I was just sleeping. You could've woken me up!"

"It's fine, don't worry too much," Alice brushes him off. "I do need to go; I should probably call your mother-"

"No, don't worry her," Jeff says, struggling into a sitting position. "Please, don't call her." Alice frowns.

"Jeff, she's your mother. She'll probably worry-"

"That's why you shouldn't call her. I'm fine, I'm alive, she doesn't need to worry about me more than she already does," Jeff convinces Alice, who gives up with a heavy sigh.

"Is there anyone you do want me to call instead?"

"I should probably let Steven know," Jeff thinks aloud, and pulls a face. "I can Skype him when I get home though."

"Okay, well you should probably try and get some sleep," Alice says. "I'm going to go home and get things sorted out for a bit. Call me if anything happens, or if you need to be signed out. I think I've done all the paperwork, but I don't know if they'll discharge you."

"Thanks," Jeff says, letting his eyes slide shut. He doesn't open them again until he hears the door click behind her, and he sighs. The doctor comes in not too long after with a mouthful of medical jargon, a few prescriptions that Jeff needs to get filled and Eric.

"You should be good to go home now," the doctor tells Jeff after a long spiel of terminology Jeff neither comprehends, nor wants to. He shakes Jeff's hand and leaves the prescriptions with Eric as he backs out of the room.

A nurse wanders in with a wheelchair as per protocol and Jeff is wheeled from the hospital while Eric follows behind casually swinging the keys to his truck. "Why are you still here?" Jeff asks Eric as he climbs into the truck, flexing his fingers and wondering how long it'll be this time before he regains full mobility.

"Jeff," Eric frowns, twisting around in his seat to look at him critically. "I was worried about you."

"You shouldn't do that," Jeff frowns. "There are better things to worry about." Eric sighs and shakes his head instead of answering.

"Let's get to the pharmacy," he says finally, starting up the truck. Jeff leans against the window, feeling the cool glass on his forehead as he watches the town fly by. Jeff hands over the prescription; the girl behind the counter tells him his wait time and he wanders back over to where Eric's looking at vitamins.

"Twenty minutes," he tells Eric, who nods. They pass the wait time by wandering down the aisles and pointing out random things like greeting cards and pudding snack packs. "Drug stores are weird," Jeff laughs as they wander down the next aisle.

When Jeff turns to his left, he's met by a wall of condoms, lube, and other "sexual health" products that make him flush like a twelve year old seeing his first pair of tits. "How do you know what condoms to buy?" Jeff blurts out curiously, because he's never had to buy condoms before.

"It's a matter of trial and error really," Eric says, pulling a face as he grabs a bottle of lube off the shelf to read, and then puts it back. Jeff picks up a box that has "ribbed for her pleasure" splashed across the front of it, and sighs.

"I just don't get it," he frowns. "Like… What's the big deal about sex?" Eric raises an eyebrow at him.

"Are you asking for a lesson?"

Jeff's face probably gives off more heat than a furnace. "C'mon," he sputters, changing the topic. "It's been twenty minutes. I should get home and rest or something."

That night when Jeff gets home, he burrows into his blankets, hauls his laptop in bed with him, and calls Steven. "What's up?" Steven asks,

"Well, I just got home from the hospital," Jeff sighs, and he sees Steven freeze mid-sip of coffee. "I had another stroke," he explains. "I'm on, like, six different pills right now."

"That sucks," Steven sighs. "That's not why you called me though, is it?"

"I think I might be gay," Jeff says, because he doesn't know who else to tell. "I mean, I don't know for sure, but I might be?"

"How can you not know for sure?" Steven furrows his brow and squints at Jeff. "No, wait, what makes you think you might be?"

"There's this guy I've been hanging out with a lot," Jeff says, twisting his fingers around his sheets. "I, uh, I think he's gorgeous, but I don't know if that's in the sense that I like him, or I want to be him. What does it feel like to like somebody?"

"You've never liked anyone before?" Steven asks, incredulous. Jeff just shrugs. "I don't know man, it's just good. You just want to spend all your time with them and whatever, and you get nervous around them, but it's a good nervous." Jeff thinks about the permanent blush he has when he talks to Eric, and sighs.

"I think I like him."

"Well, that's great," Steven says. "I was starting to worry you'd die alone."

"Thanks," Jeff says dryly. "What do I do about it now?"

"Well what do you want to do? Does he like you?"

"I don't know," Jeff sighs. "I mean, he's a nice guy, so maybe he's just been humoring me all this time and he really just thinks of me as his little brother's friend."

"Ouch," Steven says, and Jeff nods in agreement.

"Should I say something?"

"I think you should get yourself figured out first," Steven says, so Jeff hangs up on him in favor of looking up gay porn and wrapping his hand around his cock (he actually gets off this time, when he finds a video of a gangly blonde that looks a bit like Eric from the side).

Jeff doesn't want to put too much thought into it as he lies in a sweaty mess of limbs on his bed, but he does. He thinks about it until he's thinking himself in circles. He can't sleep so he looks up more porn, going out of his way to find dark haired guys that are kind of stocky and don't look a thing like Eric.

He isn’t surprised when it doesn't do it for him, so he gives up and goes to sleep. He also shouldn't be surprised when Eric stops by the next day to check on him, and Jeff can't look him in the eye. "You can come in," he mumbles, stepping aside to let Eric through the door.

Alice is out at the bookshop again and Jeff's been lying on the couch watching TV, following his doctor's orders to take it easy for a few days. "What are you watching?" Eric asks, dropping on the couch next to Jeff. Jeff wants to ask him if he has anything better to do with his time, but he wants the company; he keeps his mouth shut.

"I don't even know," Jeff groans, tossing the remote in Eric's direction. "I've been staring off into space bored out of my skull. I'm glad you showed up."

"You could've come over," Eric says. "You know you're always welcome and we've got an Xbox, at least."

"Yeah, I'll keep that in mind for next time I get a stroke," Jeff groans, and then because his sarcasm reminded him, he gets off the couch to take his pills. Eric leans against the doorframe to the kitchen and watches as Jeff downs them. "Thanks for the supervision, dad," he sighs, moving back into the living room.

"Is everything okay, Jeff?" Eric asks, as he grabs the remote and shuts off the TV. The apartment is a lot quieter without the incessant buzzing of background noise, and Jeff still can't look at Eric.

"Everything's fine. I'm just, uh, I'm a little confused," Jeff says, rubbing his neck. "I think I can get it sorted out though."

"Can I help?" Eric asks, and Jeff really just wants to push him away- to keep him more than an arm's length from his face, but Eric's leaning in close; his body is giving off heat, and Jeff just freezes up.

"No, I uh, I think it might be better if you don't," Jeff says; he pretends he can't see Eric's face scrunch up, and turns his head. He wants to pull back, but he can feel Eric hovering so close to him- he doesn't.

"Did you want to talk about it?" Eric tries; of course he can't drop the topic like a normal person in this situation. Jeff doesn't want to tell him he came all over his sheets last night thinking of Eric's stupid face.

Instead, he asks, "How did you know you were gay?" Jeff doesn't mean to sound so meek, but he knows he does because of the way Eric's eyebrows shoot up and the concern etches itself across his face. Jeff lets out a heavy sigh.

"So that's what this is about," Eric says, and scoots down the couch. Jeff will deny that he slumps into Eric's side, but no one's there to see it so he just lets it happen. Eric loops a heavy arm over Jeff's shoulders before he speaks.

"I just always knew. I never liked girls when I was younger. It was always hockey first for me when everyone else was talking about hooking up at parties, so it wasn't like I had a lot of time to think about relationships anyway.

"I think I finally realized how serious it was when I got really drunk one night and tried to make out with Cam."

"Did he punch you?" Jeff asks, because that just seems like something Cam would do.

"Nah," Eric smiles. I think he took pity on me, or something. It sobered me up fast though, when he looked at me like a puppy who just pissed in his shoes and told me 'No.'"

"How old were you?"

"I must've been fifteen or sixteen," Eric chuckles, and Jeff tries to think of what he was like at that age, but all he can conjure from his memory bank is hockey. It was always hockey first; there was never a second. There was never another option.

"I've never liked girls," Jeff says finally. He's talking more to Eric's shoulder, but that works for him, because doesn't have to look Eric in the eye. "I've never liked boys either though; it's always been hockey for me, you know?"

"Yeah," Eric nods. "I do. So if it's always been hockey, what are you freaking out about now?"

"Well, it's always been hockey, but I don't have hockey anymore," Jeff says, feeling the familiar twisting in his gut. "I guess I have more time now to worry about the other stuff I never thought about before."

"What's the other stuff?" Eric asks, and Jeff just loses it.

"This!" He looks up at Eric, who raises an eyebrow at Jeff. "Why you're sitting so fucking close to me," Jeff says petulantly.

"Jeff, am I making you uncomfortable?" Jeff shifts nervously; he's uncomfortable but it's his own damn fault, he thinks.

"No," he sighs, and snuggles into Eric's side. It does feel nice, curled up next to him on the couch like this; he's just wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt and his hair's a mess- is he supposed to worry about his hair if he likes Eric?

"If I ever do, please let me know," Eric says as he tilts Jeff's head up with one of his obnoxiously long fingers. He gulps; his face is probably the same shade as cherry Kool-Aid and he's looking at Eric now, properly, for the first time since he stepped in the apartment.

"Eric, I-" Jeff stops mid-sentence, because he has no idea what to say. His mind draws a blank and he leans a bit closer to Eric before he's interrupted by the buzzing of Eric's phone, smashed between their thighs. Jeff jumps back, startled, as Eric groans, reaching into his pocket.

"What?" He practically growls into his phone, which makes Jeff chuckle. "Yeah," Eric hums after a moment; he sounds more resigned. "I'm at Jeff's." There's another moment of silence, and Eric lets out a grunt. "Fine," he says, and hangs up before putting his phone on the table.

"Sorry. Jordan's a dick and wants me to go pick him up since it's raining. You're welcome to come over and hang out though while I go get him. Jared is probably home."

"Sure," Jeff says, and grabs a hoodie, because he's got nothing better to do anyway.

"Hey," Jared greets him when he wanders through the door. "Eric told me what happened. How're you feeling?"

"I'm alright," Jeff nods, and drops onto their couch. "The doctor told me to take it easy, and Eric said I could use your Xbox."

"Yeah, I'm sure your aunt doesn't have much at her place," Jared chuckles. "I was just about to put on a movie though. Do you want to watch Paranormal Activity with me?"

"Sure," Jeff says, because Jared has a giant bowl of popcorn and the movie is already queued up on the screen. Eric and Jordan come in around half an hour later, and while Jordan disappears down the hall, Eric immediately flops onto the couch next to Jeff, and steals a handful of popcorn.

"What are we watching?" He asks; he's plastered against Jeff's side, and Jeff can feel the vibrations through his body as he speaks. Jared raises an eyebrow at his brother.

"One of those stupid horror movies you hate," Jared supplies helpfully, and Jeff grins.

"Paranormal Activity," he tells Eric, who rolls his eyes.

"Right, well then," he goes to stand up, but Jeff feels his hand fly out and grab Eric's thigh to anchor him in place. Jared just stares at them, but Eric doesn’t mention it. He shifts to better accommodate Jeff, and they watch the remainder of the movie in silence with the exception of crunching popcorn.

It isn't until the movie is over, Jared's pouting at the empty bowl, and Jordan wanders back into the living room that Jeff realizes his hand is still firmly planted on Eric's thigh. Jordan openly gawks at them. "What the hell, Jeff?" he asks, and Jeff flushes from the roots of his hair down past the collar of his shirt, hastily pulling his hand away.

"What's up?" he stutters, but Jordan and Jared are just staring at him.

"Are you guys like, a thing now?" Jordan asks finally, looking jerkily between Eric and Jeff. "I mean, he was just at your place, and you went camping together, and we haven't seen you much-"

"Jordan," Eric says warningly, which Jeff is mildly thankful for.

"But seriously," Jared starts, and Jeff groans. "I mean, you even took him to the hospital-"

"Jesus Christ, did you want me to leave him in the bush?" Eric groans. "I would've taken your sorry ass to the hospital too if you were delirious, stuck in a bush and couldn't walk."

"Yeah, but I'm your brother," Jared snorted. "You're supposed to."

"On second thought, I'll let Jordan take care of you if you do," Eric rolls his eyes. Jordan opens his mouth, but Eric silences him with a look. "It's not a thing. Drop it."

It probably doesn't help that Jeff spends the rest of the night plastered to Eric's side, but he's feeling a little freaked out after the movie, and well, Eric's recently been a solid constant factor in his life, and it makes Jeff feel safe. His breath stops. Yeah, he wants it to be a thing, and it kind of is.

Long after the sun sets and the credits roll on the third dumb horror movie Jared insisted on watching, Jordan stretches and announces, "Bed time." Jared follows not long after and Jeff sighs, figuring he should probably go home.

He wiggles his toes to make sure they're still there, and Eric gives him a hand up off the couch. "I'll walk you back," Eric says, even though it's just down a floor. Jeff nods, and lets Eric follow him down the hall. "Sorry about my brothers," Eric apologizes.

"It's fine. I told you, they're responsible for their own actions. You shouldn't have to apologize for them."

"Yeah, but I feel bad if I don't," Eric grins, a guilty look on his face. "I can stop them, if you don't want them to bug you about it."

"It's fine," Jeff says finally, blushing. "I mean, it's true, right? It's kind of a thing."

"Did you want it to be a thing?" Eric asks as they reach Jeff's floor in the stairway. Jeff reaches for the door, but Eric corners him, and Jeff's hand falls away.

"I don't know how," Jeff says; his voice sounds so small, even echoing around the empty stairwell. He feels small too, cowering underneath the height and bulk of Eric's body. Eric steps forward, and Jeff instinctively takes a step back; he's plastered against the wall now, breathing shallowly.

"I could show you," Eric says, and despite the towering his voice comes out gentle and caring, like he always has been, earnest in every way.

"Yeah, I'd, uh, I'd like that," Jeff stutters, and he half expects Eric to surge forward, but instead he pulls back and Jeff is left leaning dumbly against the wall, baffled.

"C'mon," Eric says softly. "I promised I'd walk you home, not just down the stairs," he says, opening the door, and lets Jeff through ahead of him. It isn't until Jeff's tucked into bed, completely dumbfounded as Eric places the tiniest kiss on his forehead, that Eric leaves.

And suddenly, Jeff's more confused than ever.

●●●

"You should go back to school in September," Cam tells Jeff over a cup of coffee. They're sitting at Open Spaces because Jeff has gone from dumbfounded and confused to purposefully avoiding Eric. Jeff hasn't mentioned anything to Cam, but he has a feeling that he knows anyway.

"I don't have a job. There's no way I can afford it," Jeff says sadly.

"What if I helped?" Cam asks, and Jeff jerks his head up.

"What?"

"I'm serious," Cam says, putting down his cup and staring at Jeff across the table, eyes intense as they've always been. "Adult Ed classes don't charge tuition, so you'll just need your student fees and textbooks, which I can always just snag from the department."

"I… What about student fees?"

"We could work out a deal," Cam says thoughtfully. “You could pay me back, or if you don't want to owe anything, you can wash my car or something."

"Seriously?" Jeff asks, because Cam sounds ridiculous. Nobody is that nice without an ulterior motive.

"Stop looking at me like that," Cam says, rolling his eyes. "Jeff, you're a good kid. I want to see you succeed in life. If you have your transcripts, I could even help you register in school and figure out what classes you need in order to get your diploma."

"Yeah, I mean, if you don't mind, that'd be amazing," Jeff chokes out, astounded. "You're fucking awesome, Cam."

"I try," he says wryly, and draining the last of his coffee. "So, do you have those transcripts?"

"Yeah, they're at home. Did you want to come over?"

"Sure." Cam grabs his keys and Jeff follows him to the car. "Did you want to stop at Mojo's first?"

"Have I ever said no to ice cream?" Jeff laughs, and Cam grins. "Let's go bother Jared."

"Oh, no, what are you assholes doing here? Ruu and Alex just came in and asked me about the lemon ice cream for twenty minutes, and now I have to serve you guys too?"

"You're getting paid to deal with us," Jeff rolls his eyes and Jared grins widely, showing off his teeth.

"So, what can I get you guys?" he asks, his voice laced with false sweetness.

"Can I get a scoop of the chocolate chunk, cookie dough, and Reese's Cups mix-in?" Cam orders, as Jeff eyes the selection warily.

"Surprise me."

"That's a terrible idea," Cam laughs, but doesn't complain when Jared adds an extra scoop of chocolate sprinkles on top of his ice cream. Cam might be an asshole, but he's an asshole that likes sprinkles.

Jeff gets some sort of rainbow patterned concoction involving a mound of gummy bears- he doesn't complain about that either, or when Jared waves his hand over the register, and their total comes to a big fat zero.

"So I guess you're a teacher," Jeff says through a mouthful of chewy candy, "What do you teach?"

"Personal training and European History," Cam says, which surprises Jeff.

"European history? I never would have guessed."

"When I was young," Cam says, "I played hockey on a pee wee team. There was a boy from Czechoslovakia. I think he changed my life, though he didn't know it back then."

"How did he do that?"

"Well, his English wasn't very good so he didn't talk much, but he told me once 'I don't care about winning, but I want to make sure my team wins.' I didn't realize how well that applies to life until years later. For me, it's not about getting ahead or succeeding, as long as I'm happy where I'm at. It's about making sure everyone else I care about gets there," he says, looking pointedly at Jeff. "And I know you can as long as you try."

"Thanks," Jeff says, blushing and hanging his head. He knows Cam's right. He can get there.

They head to Jeff's apartment after finishing their ice cream. "Your place is super clean," Cam comments as he takes a seat on Jeff's bed as Jeff is currently standing on his desk chair, trying to get to the back of his closet.

"It's not hard to stay organized when I haven't got much stuff," Jeff admits. "I only brought the things I needed out here, and I haven't exactly had money to buy things since. Here we go!" He exclaims, as he digs out the envelope and tosses it at Cam.

Cam takes a minute to look it over. "You really only need a twelfth year English course," Cam says as Jeff hovers nervously over his shoulder. "That shouldn't be a problem at all. Actually, instead of taking the Adult Ed program you could just take a first year college course- it won't get you your diploma, but if you want to continue studying, it's credits and fully worth your time."

"I didn't know that was an option," Jeff says. "I mean, I'd like to keep studying, and maybe go into something more like what you're doing, but I just haven't got the money."

"If you need the money, we can always work something out. Let's get you registered in this class," Cam says, and Jeff nods in agreement, pulling his laptop over to the bed and sitting down next to Cam.

"What do I need to do?"

"Just fill this out," Cam says, bringing up a page asking for most of Jeff's basic information and contact.

"Oh, uh, I don't have a phone number," he says as he reaches the field, frowning.

"Alice doesn't have a house phone?"

"She has a line but she doesn't actually have a phone connected."

"Then put down Alice's number. They probably won't call unless it's an emergency. Most correspondence is done via email."

"Cool," Jeff says, filling in the field. He watches as Cam selects the class he needs, and then proceeds to the library website to figure out what textbooks he needs.

"So, it looks like you're in one of Eric's classes," Cam grins, and Jeff's face falls.

"What's that look for, Jeff? I thought you'd be happy to be with someone you know."

"Yeah, but I mean, things are kind of weird right now," Jeff admits, not that Cam didn't probably know already.

"What happened?" Cam asks, genuinely curious. Jeff shifts awkwardly, because he's not too sure how to put it into words.

"I think it's a thing," he says finally, staring at his hands. Cam barks out a laugh, startling Jeff.

"A thing? Jeez, could you be any more specific, kid?" He's smiling though, looking at Jeff. "Does this thing have anything to do with the fact you guys were sleeping together when we went camping?"

"We didn't sleep together!" Jeff snaps defensively. "I mean, yeah, we slept together but we didn't _sleep together_. How did you find out anyway?" Jeff's blushing now, and he really shouldn't be but he's embarrassed. It's just Cam, he reminds himself. Just Cam, who knows all about Jeff's stupid insecurities and that he's a virgin. Also, Eric's best friend. Fuck.

"I went into your tent to borrow Eric's flashlight that night you guys went hiking; your sleeping bags were zipped together and you both came back soaking wet from the hot spring, past midnight."

"Well it sounds pretty bad when you put it that way," Jeff blushes redder, if possible. "I mean, it's not like that, really. We just… I don't know. It was cold?"

"Was that a question?" Cam laughs.

"Yes?" Cam snorts, and Jeff sighs. "I don't know, it was just weird, and then Ruu made that offhand comment about us being together-"

"Honestly, all the guys thought you and Eric were a thing, but no one wanted to say anything since it's been so long since Eric's been serious with anyone, so they didn't know what to say."

"Let me guess, they talked to you instead."

"Of course," Cam grins. "Look, it's not a bad thing. Whatever happened, I'm sure you'll feel better when you talk to him about it. He's a good guy. I know he's not going to put you in a corner or force you into anything."

Jeff thinks about how Eric cornered him in the hall the previous night but nods anyway (metaphorical corners are most definitely not the same thing as stairwell corners). "I went over to his place yesterday," Jeff says. He's not sure why he's telling Cam, but he just needs to tell somebody, and Steven just isn't conveniently around on Skype this time.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. We kind of snuggled on the couch for a few movies; Jordan and Jared got kind of mouthy near the end of the night, and asked if we were a thing. Eric mostly avoided the question, but he walked me back to my apartment and kind of cornered me in the hall and asked me if I wanted it to be a thing."

"What did you say?"

"I said yes."

"Then why are you avoiding him?" Cam asks, confused, as he finishes filling out the appropriate information on Jeff's account and hands his laptop back. Jeff takes it and drops it on his desk with a sigh.

"I'm not _avoiding_ him per se; I'm just not actively seeking him out."

"You're an idiot. No, you're both idiots," Cam rolls his eyes. "Come on," he says, standing. Jeff follows him to the door, and frowns.

"You're leaving?"

"No, we're going to see if Eric's home," Cam says, and really, Jeff thinks about objecting but Cam's already hauled him out the door; he lets it happen. "Even if you don't want to talk we should tell him you're registered in his class and see if he's got an extra textbook laying around. I bet he does."

"Probably," Jeff concedes with a sigh, and follows Cam up the stairs to Eric's apartment. They get there just as Jordan steps out of the elevator, obviously fresh from work as he's still wearing his safety vest.

"Hey guys," he grins. "I don't think anyone's home right now," he says, trying the door and finding it locked. While he fumbles with his keys he asks, "What are you doing here?"

"Cam just got me signed up for one of Eric's classes this September," Jeff says. "We were going to see if he has a spare textbook lying around."

"He probably does; he's got a stack of them in his room," Jordan rolls his eyes. "You guys need any food?"

"Nah, we just had too much ice cream," Cam laughs. "How was work?"

"Boring," Jordan sticks his tongue out. "I think Eric and I are going to the rink once he gets home though, if you want to join us."

"Always," Cam agrees, and then looks at Jeff.

"You've never come skating with us before; it'll be fun."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Jeff says awkwardly, shifting from one foot to another. "I can't skate."

"At least come hang out. You haven't been to the rink at all," Jordan says over the carton of milk he's drinking out of.

"Does Eric know you drink that from the carton?" Cam asks, quirking an eyebrow.

"No, I did not," Eric sighs from where he's just walked through the door behind them. "Use a fucking cup, Jordan."

"Yes mom," Jordan sighs, rolling his eyes as he turns around to grab a glass from the cupboard. Eric rolls his eyes.

"I'm going to grab my skates…" He trails off, like he's just realized Jeff and Cam are there. "Are you guys going to join us?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind," Cam says, "but I've got to drive home and get my stuff so I'll just meet you at the rink." Eric nods, and it's only until after Cam leaves and Eric has his duffle and stick in hand that Jeff realizes he's got to grab his own skates.

"I'm glad you're coming," Eric says softly as they walk down the stairs to Jeff's place together.

"It's not going to be pretty," Jeff flinches. "I mean, I haven't been on skates since January, and even if I can stand I don't know how good my balance is after that second stroke."

"It's worth a try," Eric insists. "We'll make it worth your time. So, what did you and Cam get up to today?"

"Not much," Jeff says, pulling his stick and skates from the closet. "We went out for coffee, then ice cream. Oh, and uh, he helped me figure out what I needed for school."

"You're going to college in September?"

"I'm only taking one class. I can't really afford it but Cam's helping me figure things out and uh, it's one of your classes, so he said you might have some textbooks lying around?"

"Of course I do," Eric smiles. "I'm glad you're going back to school," he reaches forward to ruffle Jeff's hair affectionately. If Jeff leans into Eric's touch, neither of them mentions it. "September's coming up fast."

"I know," Jeff says as he locks the apartment behind them. "I mean, it feels like just yesterday we were camping and Marc was still here, and now it's mid-August," Jeff groans as he climbs the stairs. 

"So, what happened to spending a few days relaxing? I don't think skating is what the doctor had in mind when he said you should 'take it easy for a few days'."

"I'm not planning on overexerting myself; I'll be fine," Jeff says loftily, opening the door to Eric's apartment. "Jordan convinced me, so you can  
blame him."

"I'd probably blame him anyway," Eric laughs, pushing past Jeff to grab his bag. "Let's go, Jordy."

"Yeah, yeah," Jordan mutters and follows Eric out of the apartment, locking the door behind them. The ride to the rink is quiet, interspersed with smatterings of static from Eric's radio that none of them can be bothered to reset to a  
local station.

Jeff spends the ride to the rink daydreaming of his glory days playing in juniors, and before he knows it he's got skates on his feet and is looking nervously at the ice. "C'mon," Eric offers him a hand, which he takes gratefully, because his legs shake on solid ground- he's not sure how well he's going to fare on the ice. He's lucky the place is empty except for a couple in the corner, who look like they're on their way out.

Cam and Jordan are already on the ice, skating and tossing a puck back and forth. Jeff doesn't even have a stick; Eric's ditched his in favor of holding Jeff in place as they step onto the frozen surface. "See, it's not too bad," he says, and moves to let go, but Jeff lunges forward and clings.

"I'm gonna fall," he manages to sputter out before one of his feet twists sideways and he slumps heavily against Eric.

"Here," Eric pulls him back upright, and takes most of Jeff's weight. "Spread your legs apart farther; it'll help with your balance." Jeff does as he's told and manages to glide forward a bit while Eric is holding him. "Can I let go?"

"Yeah," Jeff stutters, nervous. Eric drops his arms but Jeff flails almost immediately; his arms windmill out, and he clutches Eric tightly. "Shit."

"Hey, it's fine. I'll be right here," Eric says while nudging Jeff forward a bit, before letting go again, which has much the same effect.

"This is humiliating," Jeff says as he lands in a crumpled heap on the ice the next time Eric lets go of him and he drifts a bit too far to be caught. He's glad Jordan and Cam are occupying each other, too busy to laugh at his failure.

Eric pulls up next to him on the ice and helps him back to his feet. "You'll get there," he tells Jeff. He wants to believe Eric, but as he feels himself toppling forward again that place feels a million years away.

Jeff feels the lump in his throat and the telltale tears swimming behind his eyes. He looks away from Eric and mumbles, "Can you help me get to the locker room? I'll just wait for you guys in the truck."

"Hey now, Jeff-" Eric says, but Jeff's already struggling to his feet again, trying and failing at not falling all over the ice again. Eric catches him easily around the waist, and Jeff should be happy it's Eric who notices he's crying and not Jordan or Cam.

"Just… Just leave me alone," Jeff chokes out as Eric follows him into the locker room, watches as he slumps on a bench, and buries his head in his arms. When Jeff chances a look up, Eric is taking off his skates near the corner. "Why are you still here?" His voice sounds nasally. He cringes.

Eric packs his stuff up and walks across the room to kneel in front of Jeff. He tries not to read too much into it when Eric starts to untie his skates for him; Jeff lets him do it, since trying to keep the tears from slipping out occupies most of his brainpower.

Jeff doesn't even object when Eric takes his things and carries them back to the truck with Jeff trailing a few feet behind him. He gets in the front seat without a word. He knows they can leave. Cam can bring Jordan home; it'd take a quick text from Eric- Cam would get it.

They don't leave though. The truck sits in the parking lot; Eric sits in the driver's seat and Jeff sits in the passenger's seat. He sucks in deep breaths and tries not to freak out. It doesn't work. He shoulders start shaking and then his whole body is trembling- he's not sure whether Eric reaches for him first or if Jeff grabs him instead.

Jeff ends up half in the driver’s seat, face buried in Eric's neck. "I can't skate," he says, his hands tangling with Eric's shirt. "I can't fucking skate." Just like that it's out there, hovering in the air like a nightmare come to life. It's like the past seven months have finally come to a head, and he can't handle it. He can't skate.

At this point Jeff should probably be feeling self-conscious about the number of times he's leaked feelings all over Eric, but Eric's put up with it extraordinarily well so he can't bring himself to feel guilty. Instead, he snuffles into Eric's neck until he's gently peeled off and dumped into his own seat.

"I'm taking you home," Eric says softly. Jeff sniffles and wipes his nose on his sleeve. "It's more comfortable there and we won't be stalling in a parking lot," Eric explains, like Jeff needs justification. Really, Jeff just wants to be somewhere he can grab Eric by the shirt and bury his face into his chest again but he doesn't say that.

Holden is a small town. It doesn't take long to cross it, though the trek up the stairs to the apartment feels like a marathon to Jeff's shaking legs. He's glad they didn't take the elevator though- he's not sure if he can handle being trapped in an enclosed space with Eric, so close yet so far away.

Eric barely gets the door shut and his bag on the floor before Jeff lunges at him again, draping himself over Eric's front. Eric holds him there for a minute in the entryway before nudging Jeff toward his bedroom.

Jeff lets Eric manhandle him onto the bed; Eric lies down beside him and Jeff blushes when he realizes Eric is studying his face from inches away. "I hate it when you cry," Eric says softly, and if Jeff wasn't blushing before he definitely is now. He knows he turns into a teenage girl when he's around Eric. He's not sure if he's ready to admit it yet.

Eric reaches out and brushes a tear from Jeff's cheek with his thumb. "You did good out there," he said softly. "You were so convinced you couldn’t skate at all, but I think you'll get there. It'll take some time, but it's practice, right?"

"Did you see me out there? Eric, I couldn't stand up by myself. How the hell am I supposed to skate?"

Eric cups his hand to the back of Jeff's head, tangling his fingers into Jeff's hair and petting him softly. "You told me that when you first had your stroke, you couldn't do the buttons on your shirt. How did you get dressed this morning?"

"Well, it gets easier when you keep doing it," Jeff says defensively, and then cringes when Eric looks at him pointedly. "Right, Rome wasn't built in a day, or some shit." Eric nods, reeling Jeff in closer with the hand that's petting his hair.

"You've been through a lot," Eric says softly, and Jeff just nods because he can't disagree with that. "It'll get better," he says. His voice washes over Jeff like cool waves on a hot summer day, soothing his nerves. "We'll try again another day; maybe we can get you skating for longer next time," Eric smiles into Jeff's hair.

"Yeah," Jeff says. His voice trembles as Eric pets his hair and runs his hand down his back, calming him. "Thank you," he says suddenly, craning his neck to look up at Eric's face. "I mean it. Thanks for putting up with me. I know I've been a mess this year. God, I wish I'd met you before. Maybe we could've played together."

"We can still play together," Eric tells him and Jeff smiles against his neck at the prospect.

They lie like that for a long time, tangled together with Eric's hands wandering across Jeff's back, trying to keep him boneless and relaxed until the tears dry and his eyes are only a bit swollen. "I'm kind of hungry. Did you want dinner?" Eric asks.

Jeff nods, and follows Eric out into the kitchen where he groans as he pokes through the fridge. "I really haven't got anything edible left," he sighs. "I swear Jordan and Jared are going to eat me out of house and home."

"I've probably got pasta or something at my place," Jeff offers, so Eric follows him to his apartment. Alice gets home while Jeff and Eric are making dinner; Eric's chopping vegetables and Jeff's grating cheese.

"That looks good," she says as she smiles at them. "What are you making?"

"Just some pasta with whatever I could find in the fridge," Jeff tells her. "Did you want to eat with us?"

"Oh, no, I'm about to change and head out for dinner with a few friends actually. Enjoy though!" Jeff nods and Eric gives her a quick affirmative before she disappears into her bedroom.

"Here, let's put on a movie," Jeff says as they settle on the couches to eat, and because he's not actually twelve he tries to find something to watch that isn't a cartoon or Disney. Eric trumps his efforts by pointing at How to Train Your Dragon on the TV though, and Jeff can't argue with that face at all.

They finish their food quickly, and the empty bowls lie forgotten on the table as they wriggle closer to each other on the couch until Eric's got his arm looped over Jeff's shoulders, and Jeff's leaning comfortably on Eric's chest.

"Is this going to be weird, next month, when you're my teacher?" Jeff asks suddenly, and Eric stiffens, like he hadn't quite processed the fact that Jeff is signed up for one of his classes.

"Shit."

"I mean, we're not breaking any laws or anything. We're not even doing anything. It's just like… Are you going to get weird about it?" Eric smiles ruefully; Jeff thinks he's got Eric all figured out.

"I'll try my best," Eric says softly, and he looks like he means it, so Jeff lays back on his chest again and when Eric kisses him on the forehead to say goodnight before heading back to his own apartment, hours later, Jeff leans into it and keeps him close for a second longer than necessary.

Eric and Cam manage to scrounge up enough school supplies for Jeff so that he doesn't have to buy anything new. Cam shows up at his door one day with a binder, a full pencil case and a new backpack that Jeff doesn't stop thanking him for.

He's just hanging out with Cam when Eric shows up with the textbook for his course, and a shrink wrapped package of loose leaf paper. Jeff smiles, and sinks into Eric's side. Cam makes a gagging face in their direction, and leaves them alone.

"Thanks for everything," Jeff says softly, and when Eric kisses him gently on top of his head Jeff just giggles, because this is a thing that's happening, and it's creeping along at a snail's pace but Jeff- he's fine with that. He thinks he can use the time.

Jeff's still not sure if he's gay. "I can't figure it out," he tells Steven during one of their Skype sessions.

"How are things going with this guy?" Steven asks.

"It's good. I mean, I think we're together, but we haven't really talked about it since then. We cuddle and stuff, and he kisses me on the cheek and stuff, but it doesn't really go beyond that. It's like having a really good friend."

"Jeff, really good friends don't kiss each other if they're dudes."

"We held hands," Jeff points out.

"You were in the hospital," Steven sighs. "Jeff, he sounds like he's perfect. What are you worried about?"

"I'm worried I'm not actually gay, or straight. I might just not be interested, and then I'd be fucking him over."

"Let's face it," Steven laughs. "You turn bright red when you talk about him. You're interested." Jeff sighs.

"You're right."

"Talk to him about it," Steven says firmly. "I'll bet the actual gay guy you're trying to date knows more about being gay and dating than me." Jeff rolls his eyes, but agrees.

The day before school starts, Jeff and Eric are just hanging out in his room. Eric's going over the first lesson in the textbook with him, to make sure he's on par with the level of the class. So far, it seems Jeff has a good understanding of the material, which makes him happy.

Happiness means that Jeff is grinning and flashing his dimples everywhere, which leads to aggressive cuddling on Eric's bed, textbook forgotten. Jeff's sprawled out on Eric's chest, loose and pliable, when Jared opens the door.

"Jesus guys," he sighs, looking between them. "I didn't even know Jeff was here."

"Maybe you should knock next time," Eric says pointedly; Jared ignores him.

"We're out of food."

"I know."

"Well, can we go grocery shopping?" Eric groans.

"Give me a minute," he says finally, and Jared disappears down the hall, though he leaves Eric's door wide open. "Sorry," he says as he peels Jeff off his front. Jeff just shrugs and wraps his arms around Eric for a tight hug.

"I should get some sleep. First day of school tomorrow, and all that," Jeff grins excitedly. Eric nods, and ruffles his hair.

"See you in class tomorrow, Jeff."

Jeff ends up carpooling to school with Justin, the driver he met at the first party he went to in Holden back in May, and Jared, because their schedules work out. Jared and Justin's classes start at nine, so Jeff has an hour to kill before his single class.

He runs into Jordan at the library, on break between his first and second class, and spends the hour with him chatting idly about the upcoming NHL season and who's going to have a good year.

Eric's class is just like any English class Jeff has ever had; Eric talks about what the course covers (basic grammar, essay structure, comprehension) which Jeff already knows, and because he's a student favourite and wants to keep his title, dismisses them half an hour early.

Jeff easily falls into a routine after the first week of figuring his way around campus. He gets up in the morning, meets Justin and Jared, hangs out with Jordan in the library, goes to class and eats lunch with Justin. After lunch, he meets Eric, who's done all of his classes, and they head back to his apartment together where they hang out; Eric marks his papers and Jeff does his homework.

On weekends, Jeff still gets coffee every Saturday with Cam and Eric (sometimes Ruu or one of the other guys tag along) and goes to the gym in the afternoon. Eric goes to the rink on Sundays so Jeff takes the day to help Alice out at the bookshop; if it's sunny, he'll spend some time at the park with Jared, or out at the cove watching the ocean. His life feels so comfortable; he forgets sometimes that he lived any other way.

It's an easy routine, one that makes Jeff lose track of time quickly. He and Eric's relationship doesn't progress- it's still kisses on the forehead, a lot of movie watching with snuggling interspersed, and maybe a bit of unevenly matched wrestling, but Jeff is happy with just that. Then, it hits him one day as he's at lunch with Justin, who's talking about his girlfriend's habits in bed.

What if it's not enough for Eric?

Jeff knows he should talk to Eric about it but he doesn't know how to approach the topic, since they're obviously doing a whole lot of not talking about their thing.

And then all thought about his thing with Eric gets completely blown out of the water late September with one ominous phone call that threatens this new life Jeff has sculpted in Holden.

●●●

The call comes on a Sunday, a day that is supposed to be spent relaxing and pretending that homework is not a thing. It rattles through the house as Jeff eats breakfast with Alice, her cell phone dancing on the coffee table with vibrations. "Hello?" She answers, and then pauses. "Yes. Jeff, it's your mom."

Jeff takes the phone tentatively in his hand. "Hello?"

"Hi Jeff," his mother says. She sounds old, and tired, like it's been years since he's last spoken to her and not months. "How are you doing?"

"I'm great," Jeff says honestly.

"How would you like to come home?" His mother asks, and Jeff freezes.

"I, uh, I'm having a good time here," he says finally. "I can't leave." He doesn't elaborate, but he figures there is no reason he needs to disclose the finer details of his life.

"Alice mentioned the other day you had another stroke while you were over there," his mother says slowly, like Jeff wouldn't understand her otherwise. "Your great aunt Gertrude just died from a stroke this past week. They are serious business-"

"I'm fine, mom. I'm on medication now. Everything's great."

"You should come home," his mother says. "You've had two strokes in under a year, and that is something we should worry about."

"It's normal to be at a higher risk for stroke in the year following the first one," Jeff explains slowly, like he's speaking to a child, copying his mother's tone.

"Jeff, you need to come home. That is an order," his mother barks suddenly, voice sharp and piercing from the other end of the line.

"Uh, no, I don't," Jeff says, frowning. "I'm happy here; I’ve got friends, I’m going to college, and I'm eighteen. I can stay in Holden if I want to."

"Well I'm going to stop sending Alice money, and you are you going to come home. I'll leave you a plane ticket for next Wednesday. Tell your aunt goodbye for me," his mother says, and she hangs up before Jeff can respond.

For a long time after the call, Alice stares at him as he gapes at his hands.

"She's going to stop sending you money. She's got a planet ticket for me for Wednesday," Jeff says finally, glaring at the carpet. "I can't leave! I'm in school… I've got friends here…"

"I'm sorry. I'd let you stay, but your mother obviously wants you home," Alice says. "Maybe you should pack. It'll help you get your thoughts sorted out."

As Jeff packs his few belongings back into his suitcase and duffle, he looks out the window to the pouring rain and thinks sadly, 'How fitting.' As he packs, stupid ideas on how to avoid returning to Markham flutter around his head, each one more nonsensical than the last.

He knows there's one thing he can try though, and yes, it's stupid, but he won't know the answer until he does. That night, while Alice is sleeping, he drops a note on the table, grabs his bags, locks the door behind him, slips the key back under it, and climbs up the stairs to Eric's apartment.

He knocks on the door this time instead of barging in; he knows Jared's out on some sort of Lacrosse related retreat and Jordan's probably already in bed since he worked all day. Unsurprisingly, Eric answers the door and invites him in, frowning at the bags.

"What's up, Jeff?" he asks, because he doesn't like to beat around the bush when it comes to things like this. Jeff feels stupid, standing in the doorway with all of his stuff.

"My mother is cutting off my money, so I have to go back to Markham on Wednesday," Jeff blurts out.

"What about school?" Eric asks, genuinely concerned.

"What about it?" Jeff sighs glumly. "I wanted to get a certificate in personal training or something, but I guess I'll have to start over back in Markham now. Sorry for showing up like this, I just didn't want to stay with Alice any longer knowing I have to leave soon."

"Hey," Eric tilts Jeff's head up with a finger. "You're always welcome here," he says, and Jeff leans into his touch, knuckles still white from clutching his suitcase.

"Come on," Eric says, grabbing one of Jeff's bags and bringing it into his room. Jeff follows him soundlessly, and sits on the edge of his bed. Now that he's here, he feels stupid. It wasn't like he wouldn't get to see Eric ever again; even if he'd stayed with his aunt, he's only a floor below.

Eric wrangles Jeff under the covers after he changes into something more comfortable, and wraps him in a tight embrace. Jeff buries his head in the crook of Eric's neck, and sucks in a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"Hey," Eric tells him softly, "I don't want to force you into anything, but if you'd rather stay in Holden, you're always welcome here." Jeff feels his breath stutter in shock.

"I- Really- You- Do you mean that?" Jeff chokes out.

"Yeah," Eric smiles softly. "I do. I like having you around." Jeff would blush, but he's too busy turning the idea over in his head, knowing he'd have to get a job to pay a bit of rent and buy some food, but it isn't like he doesn't have the time or anything.

"I like being around," Jeff says finally.

"You can think about it," Eric murmurs into his hair. "Just sleep for now, and we can worry about it tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah," Jeff agrees, and falls asleep quickly, his breath falling in rhythm with the thrumming of Eric's heart.

The alarm goes off too early the next morning, splitting the silence in the small room. "Sorry, you can sleep some more," Eric says, rolling out of bed. "I've got to be at school." Jeff makes a small noise of recognition and stays buried in the sheets until Eric's gone.

He gets up and wanders into the kitchen to see Jordan sitting at the counter. "Oh, Jeff, I didn't know you were here," he says, startled.

"Yeah, I uh, my mother called last night. She said I needed to go back to Markham, so I just packed my shit up and came here to bother Eric."

"I'm sure he doesn't think you're a bother," Jordan says darkly. "Anyway, I need to go. Here," Jordan tosses Jeff his key. "Lock up when you leave, alright?"

"Yeah, thanks," Jeff says, and after Jordan's gone, he helps himself to a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and when he stares into the milky bowl, he thinks he can get used to living here.

"What's new?" Justin asks as Jeff climbs into his car that morning.

"Not a whole lot. I’m pretty jealous that Jared and his lacrosse team are all in Vancouver right now," Jeff laughs.

"Yeah, I wish the hockey team got that kind of retreat," Justin shakes his head. "Three years ago they had a failed trip to Alaska, and they haven't done any since."

"That's a bummer. I need to find a job," Jeff says sadly. "My mom was sending money to my aunt, but now she's cutting off the income, so I've got to find a job or move back to Markham."

"Rough. Are you still going to be living with your aunt?"

"Eric's asked me to move in with him," Jeff admits, and Justin raises an eyebrow at him.

"Eric, like, Jared's brother?"

"Yeah, that's the one," Jeff confirms, fiddling with his jacket zipper.

"Isn't he your English teacher?" Justin asks, as he pulls into the parking lot. "Wouldn't that be weird, dude?"

"I don't know," Jeff shrugs. "I hang out with him and his friends all the time. He's just Eric, you know?"

"I don't know," Justin shakes his head, "but that's because I only really know Jared and Jordan. Anyway, if it's not weird for you, go for it. I'll let you know if my work is hiring," Justin says, slamming his car door.

"Yeah, thanks," Jeff sighs, and they walk their separate ways.

He meets Jordan in the library as usual, and hands him his key back. "Thanks for not kicking me out," Jeff says, and Jordan rolls his eyes.

"You're practically Eric's arm. I don't think I could get rid of you if I tried." Jeff blushes, and they stray to other topics that don’t involve Eric for the remainder of time before Jeff's class.

"Hey, did Jordan give you hell this morning?" Eric asks as Jeff wanders into class a bit early.

"No, he was surprisingly nice about it," Jeff frowns, and tries not to think too hard about the fact that Jordan seems to think Jeff is actually Eric's arm.

Eric nods, and Jeff takes that as approval to scamper off to his seat. The lesson goes by surprisingly fast, mostly because Eric may love English, but even he can only say so much about dangling modifiers.

Jeff doesn't get to see Eric after class before he meets Justin for lunch in the café. "How were your classes?" Jeff asks, and Justin makes a face.

"My psych prof wants a paper on Freud. How boring is that?"

"That sucks," Jeff agrees, even though he doesn't know a thing about Freud except that he was significant.

"My girlfriend hasn't been putting out either," Justin continues, and Jeff frowns.

"Does it bother you that much when she doesn't?"

"Well, not that I'd expect you to know, but when you're in a relationship it's pretty much a guarantee you're getting laid on the regular. This girl isn't really like that," Justin sighs. "So yeah, it's really fucking frustrating." That sends Jeff's brain whirling again, because is Eric really satisfied with Jeff just lying in his bed at night?

After lunch, Justin goes running to his next class, and Jeff walks at a much more reasonable pace to Eric's office. He raps lightly on the doorframe, leaning casually against it. "Hey," he says softly when Eric turns around to look at him.

"Hey, sorry, I was just finishing something," Eric says to his laptop. "You can come in," he adds as an afterthought. Jeff does, and wraps his arms around Eric's shoulders from behind the chair, leaning his cheek on the top of his head.

Eric closes and saves the document he'd been working on before turning to look up at Jeff. "Everything okay there?"

"I guess so," Jeff says, and frowns when Eric stands and pulls him into a tight hug.

"Honestly, Jeff. Have you thought about what I asked you last night?"

"Of course," Jeff says indignantly. "I'd like to stay if I can and if you're willing to have me around all the time I don't see why not."

"I told you," Eric grins, reaching around to ruffle his hair. "I like having you around." This time, Jeff does flush, and then suddenly Eric's nudging him out of the office and toward the parking lot. "We can get you a key today, if you like?"

"Yeah," Jeff smiles widely, feeling like words are not enough to express how much he truly appreciates this. "I'd like that."

Jeff starts a frantic job hunt; he scours every online job board and spends hours running across town and exhausting himself searching, but he comes up with dead ends until he's so flustered, he has no idea how he's going to pay Eric back for everything.

"Jesus Christ," Jared says when he gets home. "I leave for a week, and Jeff's moved in. You're going to take him home to mom next, aren't you?" Jared gets a well-timed middle finger in response from both Jeff and Eric, and Jordan just laughs from where he's sprawled across the couch.

Each night, Jeff lies in Eric's arms, and tries not to think too hard about how agitated Justin seems to get when his girlfriend doesn't get in the mood, and tries to see it in Eric (he can't, really, but he feels like it may be there anyway).

They get halfway toward a real kiss once, and Jeff chickens out and lets Eric plant one on his cheek instead, turning his head at the last minute. He flushes a bright red and nearly has a panic attack. Eric doesn't try to kiss him again, and Jeff just snuggles closer and tries not to think too hard about all the sex he isn't having even though he's sharing a bed every night.

He doesn't realize how stressed he is about the whole situation until he collides with Jared in the kitchen one day, smashes a glass, and then promptly freaks out. "Shit, I'm sorry! I'll pay you back as soon as I have money-"

"Jeff, it's just a glass," Eric says as he hands him a broom and dustpan, frowning. "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asks, and Jeff blanches, because Eric has totally realized he can't support an incompetent teenager and is going to kick him out.

Jeff slowly finishes cleaning the broken glass, swallows his pride, and under Jared's judging eyes, follows Eric back into their bedroom. "If you're going to kick me out," Jeff blurts, mostly to his hands, "Can I call my mother first? I didn't show up at the airport and obviously I didn't tell her what's going on, and I don't know if Alice told her that I was staying here-"

"Jeff," Eric cuts him off with a frown; his forehead is creased with worry when Jeff chances a look up. Eric nudges him toward and the bed so that they're both sitting, and shakes his head almost sadly. "I'm not going to kick you out," he says softly, and Jeff looks up again, though he can't do much to hide the shock and hurt in his eyes.

"Why?" He sputters. "I'm useless! I can't even get a fucking job; I'm probably going to be a deadbeat mooching off of you for the rest of my life."

"What? Jeff, don't say that," Eric moves closer, if possible, pressing himself up against the length of Jeff's body.

"What use am I?" Jeff mutters. "I don't even put out-"

"Whoa!" Eric pulls away quickly, and Jeff's face burns, like he can't believe he just said that. "Jeff, I-" Eric stops mid-sentence, and presses Jeff down onto the bed, adjusting him until he's curled up on Eric's lap. "So that's what this is all about," he says softly, tangling his hand in Jeff's hair.

Jeff sniffles a bit, like he's trying not to cry over Eric for the third time since June. "It's not just that," Jeff sputters out defensively after a moment of silence. "I swear, I just… It may be mostly that," he admits quietly with his face smashed into Eric's thigh.

Eric runs his hands over Jeff's back, petting him like a cat. "God, I should have talked to you about this a long time ago," he says softly, pressing against the muscles on Jeff's body, trying to force him to relax. Jeff does, mostly. Eric's hands are kind of magical to him.

"There's not much to talk about," Jeff gulps. "I'm just some stupid kid, and a virgin, and you probably don't want anything to do with me, but you're too nice to-"

"Jeff, you really need to stop putting words in my mouth," Eric tells him, tenderly stroking the exposed skin at the back of Jeff's neck. "Come on, look at me," he says, and pulls Jeff properly onto his lap, which should be embarrassing, but really, it's Eric- Jeff's beyond humiliating himself in front of Eric and has just resigned himself to accepting it.

Jeff makes a noise, something between an undignified squawk and a snivel. Eric reaches up to brush away one of the tears that had skittered down his cheeks and Jeff groans, because his body seems to think it's acceptable to just spew tears around Eric.

"I like you, Jeff." When Eric says it, it pierces through Jeff's senses like an arrow; his heart skips a beat, his breath stutters, his arm hairs stand on end and he feels like a cliché from a badly written romance novel. "It doesn't bother me when you don't 'put out' or that you're a virgin," he says, and Jeff knows he means it because Eric leaks sincerity on his worst of days.

"You're not like, frustrated or anything?" Jeff asks, surprised.

"Maybe a bit," Eric admits, and gives Jeff a sideways, crooked smile. "It's fine though; it's worth waiting for, and I'm not actually a dumb college kid who can't keep it in my pants, okay?" Jeff nods, and realizes that yeah, he knows this- he sleeps next to Eric every night, and his hands have never wandered anywhere Jeff doesn't want them, not even once.

"Thank you," Jeff mumbles shyly, and pushes his face into Eric's neck again, mostly because he likes the scent of Eric, and his neck is the most comfortable place to stick his face right now.

"So, are you going to stop worrying about finding a job now, and pay more attention in class?"

"What?" Jeff pulls away, baffled. "When were we talking about that?"

"We weren't, but I think you shouldn't have to worry about something like that when I've got more than enough money to feed and house you," Eric shrugs.

"God, I don't want to owe you-"

"You don't owe me anything," Eric says firmly. "I just want to see you finish school, Jeff. Even if it takes extra lessons between everything, I want you to get that diploma you're going for. A job is a distraction you don't need, especially since come January you're going to have a full course load, instead of just one class, and I won't be teaching any of them."

"I didn't think of that," Jeff admits.

"Just take a deep breath and relax," Eric tells him softly, and when Jeff looks up, Eric's eyes are dark, and awfully close to Jeff's face. Jeff pushes their foreheads together, which probably looks silly, but it feels like the right thing to do.

He's not sure who leans in first, but when their lips meet, Jeff's breath hitches like a teenage girl being touched for the first time. Eric's sliding his hands against Jeff's back, and his lips are a bit chapped from the autumn cold, but it's a kiss, his first even. Jeff allows himself a mental fist pump for not freaking out.

Eric doesn't push him; they sit like that, with Jeff curled up in Eric's lap on their bed, trading slow, and gentle kisses that don't progress any further than a soft touch of the lips, and Jeff is thankful when after a while, Eric does pull away.

Jeff probably looks goofy, smiling so hard that it hurts. "That was good," he says quickly. "We should do that again."

"Yeah?" Eric asks, but when he leans in again and catches Jeff's mouth on his own, there are no objections from Jeff's end. "So everything's good?" Eric asks after they pull apart again, and Jeff can feel the flush burning down his face and chest.

"Yeah," he says, pushing his face back into his favourite place in the crook of Eric's neck. "Everything's great," he says, before pressing a kiss to the skin, and he can feel Eric shiver under him.

"Right," Eric says suddenly, shifting Jeff off his lap and standing up with a lazy stretch. "I should probably go let Jared know I didn't actually kick you out, in case he's got the same weird ideas in his head as you."

"It wasn't Jared," Jeff says quickly. "We don't talk about sex," he says, and immediately flushes. Eric laughs, and shakes his head.

"If you were dating Jared or Jordan, I probably wouldn't ask you about your sex life either," Eric snorts. Jeff grins at him, wide and dopey, as they leave the room together.

Thanksgiving comes with a large turkey that Eric fusses over while wearing a plaid apron that Jordan and Jared tease him about for days. They all eat together, and Jeff holds Eric's hand under the table the whole time even though they know they can do it above the table and just take the teasing from Eric's brothers. They hide it anyway, sharing a secret smile, just for them.

The following Saturday finds Jeff and Eric sitting across from Cam's intense glare in Open Spaces yet again. Jeff clutches his coffee like a lifeline, and stage whispers to Eric, "What's he glaring about now?" Cam rolls his eyes at the two of them.

"Are you planning on going with Jared and Jordan to the Halloween party in the hills they won't shut up about?"

"There's a party?" Jeff asks, startled. "I haven't talked to them about parties much," he admits. "I think they realized I'm not too into it, so they stopped inviting me out."

"I think they just don't like how you spend all your time with me," Eric rolls his eyes. "Apparently I'm a social stigma."

"You're a teacher, that's an automatic social stigma," Jeff says, taking a sip of his coffee. "No offense," he adds to Cam, who's stifling a laugh with a bite of muffin. Eric rolls his eyes.

"We still have fun, you know."

"I know, I went camping with you guys," Jeff rolls his eyes. "At least two of you are teachers."

"Ruu, Alex, and Jiri are teachers too," Cam laughs. "You probably don't see them because they live in their offices."

"You'll probably be in a few of Ruu's classes in the next couple years if you do decide to go for the diploma," Eric says, grinning. Jeff makes a face like he swallowed a lemon.

"Every time I see him standing at the board I'm just going to imagine him in his swim trunks flailing around with a football in the ocean with Jiri on his back," Jeff lets out a heavy sigh; Eric and Cam snort into their coffees some more.

"That will just make his classes that much better," Cam laughs. "He gives the most boring lectures anyway."

"You're not much better," Eric kicks Cam lightly under the table. "Did you want to go skating today?" Eric asks Cam, who nods.

"It's Saturday," he rolls his eyes. "If I'm not at the gym, I'm skating. Are you fine with skipping the work out today?" Cam asks Jeff, who sighs and nods.

"If you guys are going to the rink I'll go to Mojo's and bother Jared or something," he tries, but Eric shakes his head.

"You should come with us."

"You guys won't be able to skate properly if I tag along," Jeff sighs sadly.

"Jeff," Cam rolls his eyes. "We don't ever 'skate properly' - whatever that means."

"I don't want to drag you down when you're supposed to be having fun-"

"It's fine, Jeff," Cam says, his voice firm, final. That's how Jeff finds himself standing shakily on the ice for the second time in since arriving in Holden.

"This is ridiculous. I feel like I'm four," Jeff groans. "No, I skated better than this when I was four," he admits, and clings tighter onto Eric's shirt.

"You guys are adorable," Cam cackles as he skates in circles around them, watching Jeff try not to windmill his arms out every time Eric lets go of him for longer than a minute.

"You're doing better than last time," Eric says.

"I think I'm lacking the gusto of the emotional breakdown this time," Jeff says bitterly, but he makes it the length of the rink on his own sheer stubbornness, so he thinks it may not be all bad.

"You're getting better," Cam agrees when they walk off the ice. "Maybe we should do it again next week." And just like that, Jeff's Saturdays become coffee, followed by skating and lunch with Cam and Eric.

"Halloween's coming up soon," Jordan comments one day while he and Jeff are studying in the library together. Jeff's working on a research paper focusing on European players and their significance in the NHL; he's sure Eric's going to have a fun time marking it. Jordan is working on some sort of marketing campaign Jeff can't put a name to.

"Do you have a costume?" Jeff asks.

"Yeah. I'm going as a viking," Jordan smirks, like he's proud of the decision.

"That’s fitting," Jeff chuckles.

"What about you?"

"I don't think I'm dressing up," Jeff says. "I'm not doing anything special. I think Cam is having a few of the guys over though, so maybe I'll have to figure something out."

"God, you spend all your time with Eric and his friends; soon no one's going to want to talk to you!"

"It's fine," Jeff shrugs. "I don't really want to talk to them anyway." Jordan rolls his eyes.

"Come on, live a little. Come party."

"You're just going to pick up and leave me there with too many girls I don't want to talk to," Jeff sighs, and Jordan shrugs.

"Your loss."

It doesn't turn out to be much of a loss. It's not a big deal that Jeff doesn't have a costume when he learns that Eric doesn't either, and when Cam says he does, what he really means is that he paints whiskers on his face and some girl he knows pins a stuffed fox tail to his ass.

He sits around Cam's apartment with the guys; they talk about hockey and drink locally brewed beers. Jeff thinks that's a good way to spend his Halloween. He doesn't actually hang off of Eric all night either. He mingles with the crowd and ends up losing at foosball by an embarrassing margin when he plays against Ruu.

It's about three in the morning when everyone starts drifting out. Eric and Jeff tumble into a cab together, loose and giggly like teenagers. "You look good tonight," Eric tells him as they walk into the apartment, and Eric tosses his stupid ball cap onto the couch.

"You always look good," Jeff says dumbly, before firmly closing the gap between them. Eric is quite drunk; he's loose and pliable under Jeff's fingers and lets Jeff drag him to the bedroom. They undress quickly, fingers fumbling over the buttons and zippers, and Eric lets Jeff shift him around on the bed until they're tangled up in each other.

When Eric slips his tongue into Jeff's mouth, Jeff lets out a high pitched whine, which lands him flat on his back with Eric hovering over him with a bit of a maniacal grin. "You've been driving me crazy," he drawls, pressing kisses at Jeff's exposed collarbones, and up his neck. "You're in my bed every night, and every morning when I wake up…"

And there it is. It sobers Jeff up faster than anything, knowing that like any other regular guy, Eric gets frustrated when he isn't getting laid. Jeff stiffens, and pulls away best he can with what little room he has.

Eric pulls off fast when he realizes Jeff has stopped responding. "Is everything alright?" he asks, and Jeff just freezes, unsure of what to say. "Jeff, come on, talk to me," Eric goads him; he runs a hand down his bare chest trying to calm him down, but it makes his skin jump and prickle with goosebumps.

"I knew it," Jeff chokes out, wriggling away from Eric's wandering hands. "You want… You want more than I can give you right now," Jeff says softly, and when he looks at Eric, he doesn't even look the slightest bit intoxicated anymore.

"I told you Jeff, yes, I get frustrated. I'm still human. I'm not going to be perfect." He reaches out again, and Jeff can't help squirming back into his arms. "If you want me to stop, it's all you have to say," Eric says, right into Jeff's ear. "I'm not going to pressure you into anything, and I hope you know that."

"I do," Jeff says quickly, because he does know, and Eric has to know he does. "It's just, I feel like I should be doing this for you-"

"Well, what do you want?" Eric asks. "Don't do it for me. Do it for you."

"I don't know," Jeff admits, burying his face in the pillow so he doesn't have to look at Eric. "I haven't done anything before, and I'm kind of freaked out right now."

"We don't have to do anything," Eric says, crowding him onto the bed, and burying his face into the back of Jeff's neck. "I'd like to hold you, if you'll let me, but if you want me to stop, just say so." Jeff nods against Eric's face, so Eric hauls him up by the armpits and repositions him so that they're spooning, and Eric's whole body is wrapped around Jeff like a gangly octopus.

"Sorry, no, I really want to, it’s just..." Jeff murmurs. "I'm just a mess. God, you probably want nothing to do with me."

"Jeff," Eric says sadly, pressing a hand to his chest. "I want nothing but you, and only you," he says, and as if it will help him illustrate his statement, a warm hand goes from caressing his chest and hip to gently tweaking his nipples. Jeff can't help the gasp as the tingling sensation spreads through his body.

He feels Eric smile into his neck, and groans. "You deserve so much better than some dumb high school drop-out," Jeff hisses as Eric goes back to tracing patterns at the skin on his hip. Eric sighs; Jeff can feel Eric’s breath rush over his neck.

"I hate it when you talk about yourself like that," he says softly. Jeff can feel the rumble in his chest when he talks; it sends an unwanted shiver down his spine, straight to his dick. "You've had a rough year; we all have those, some worse than others.

"I can't believe how fast you've turned yourself around. Back in July, did you really think you'd make it into college this year?"

"No, I didn't," Jeff says.

"You're amazing Jeff; you've got that drive and dedication that would've brought you to the NHL. You can still apply that to something else," Eric says, and Jeff nods, because Eric is right. "You're still so young, but sometimes I forget how young you are, because you look like you've lived a million lives."

"Eric," Jeff gasps, but Eric just keeps on babbling in his ear.

"And God, Jeff, you're so fucking gorgeous. You're an amazing person, inside and out. You take such good care of yourself, and fuck me, I really want to jerk you off right now, if you'll let me," Eric breathes. His fingers have dipped into the V at Jeff's hips, just below the waistband of his boxer-briefs, and Jeff's trying really hard not to arch into it.

"Y-yeah," Jeff sputters, and next thing he knows, Eric's sucking on the back of his neck, which distracts him for all of two seconds before his underwear is pushed away and a hand is wrapped firmly around his cock, which twitches to life at the attention. "Oh, shit."

Jeff's senses are completely overloaded in a matter of seconds; his whole body spasms as he tries not to thrust his hips forward into Eric's grip. Everything feels overstimulated, like he's trying to burst from the shell of his own skin.

"No one's ever touched you like this before, have they?" Eric asks as he presses his thumb over the head of Jeff's swollen cock, spreading pre-cum over the length to help the process along. Jeff wants to smack him because hell, he _knows_ the answer to that, but Jeff bites his tongue because fuck, this feels amazing, and smacking Eric would definitely cause it to slow.

"Eric," Jeff gasps out, because he's apparently become a sloppy mess incapable of saying anything but Eric's name. Eric doesn’t seem to mind as he hums into the back of Jeff's neck.

"You're so fucking beautiful like this," Eric grunts into his ear, and takes his earlobe between his teeth, biting down gently, while giving his cock an experimental squeeze. Jeff completely loses it; he comes harder than he has in his life, his vision swimming white as he spills over onto his stomach and Eric's hand.

Eric gently strokes him through it coupled with gentle kisses to the back of Jeff's neck, and afterward Jeff is a gasping, shivering mess. Eric helps him untangle his underwear from around his legs, tosses them aside, and disappears into the bathroom.

When he reappears, he's got a damp rag which he uses to gently clean Jeff off, and then tosses it aside. Despite the earlier party, they're both pretty sober now, and Jeff knows that it's only polite to reciprocate only- "I have no idea how to touch you," he blurts out, red faced and feeling unchangeably young.

Eric reaches up to touch his face, gently rubbing his cheek before leaning in and kissing him softly. "Do you want to?" he asks, and Jeff nods, trying not to look like an overeager puppy or a kid on Christmas, because that'd be just silly. He feels like one though, and he's not sure how successful he is at hiding it.

"Here," Eric says softly, taking Jeff's hand in his. He kicks off his boxers and directs Jeff's hand downward until, oh, that's his dick. Eric kisses him through it, using his own hand to show Jeff how he likes it, with the right amount of pressure, and Jeff just tries to get used to the weight and girth in his hand without freaking out too much and kiss Eric back at the same time.

Needless to say, his coordination isn't quite there, and he mostly ends up panting against Eric's lips, his hand clumsy and unsure; he's half hard again, then fully hard when Eric tangles his hand into Jeff's hair and pulls him in close. Jeff buries his face into Eric's neck because again, it's his favourite place to smash his face.

Eric gets a little more adventurous when he realizes Jeff is hard again. He starts by flipping Jeff face down on the mattress, peppering kisses over his shoulders, and then along the line of his back, and his side. After Jeff is sufficiently aroused, Eric leaves a trail of kisses down his body until he's nuzzling against Jeff's thighs. Jeff doesn't quite realize where it's going until Eric's a few millimeters from his cock, about to swallow him down.

A few strangled noises fly from his mouth before he can even wrap his head around the fact that Eric's lips are stretched wide on his dick, moving up and down Jeff's shaft with an experienced tongue. Jeff's fingers dig into Eric's shoulders, encouraging him along.

Jeff doesn't last that long. He tries to warn Eric with a sharp tug to the hair, but he doesn't pull off and Jeff comes hard down his throat. After, Eric crawls up the bed, leaning above Jeff, his cock swollen and bobbing against his stomach.

Eric reaches up and wipes a bit of cum away from the corner of his lips and then wraps his hand around himself, jerking off hard and fast over Jeff, painting his stomach white before he collapses on the bed.

It takes Eric a moment to catch his breath, and Jeff a moment to gather his thoughts. By the time Jeff can think coherently again, Eric's gently cleaning him off with a washcloth, and Jeff's blushing so hard he wants to hide his face, because he's sure he looks like a fire engine or over ripe cherry tomato.

"Eric," Jeff says finally. His voice sounds broken; scratchy from gasping so hard, and Eric's name feels like the only thing he can say after that whole debacle. Eric only smiles fondly down at Jeff, before wrapping him in his arms, and nuzzling into the back of his neck.

Jeff trembles as he realizes he is completely, utterly, head-over-heels in love with this man. And there is nothing he can do about it.

He wakes up in Eric's arms, to a dusting of kisses over his neck and shoulder and Eric's cock pressing hard and slick with pre-come against the back of his thigh. His own morning wood is more than happy to play when Jeff lets out a groan and Eric realizes he's awake and says, "Good morning," with a hand on his dick.

"I like you," Jeff says as they lie in the afterglow, neither of them willing to get up and start the day. "I don't know if I ever did tell you that, but I do like you. No," he hesitates for a second contemplating whether telling Eric is a good idea, but he throws caution to the wind and says, "I love you."

Eric reaches up to touch his face and reel him in for a proper kiss, one full of promise and passion. "I love you too, Jeff," he says when he pulls back and Jeff knows he means it, not only because he's looking into his earnest eyes and Eric probably bathes in sincerity, but because Jeff can feel it too.

●●●

Life seems to settle down for Jeff after Halloween. November fades into a flurry of snowball fights with Jared, hot chocolate and movie nights with Jordan, schoolwork and soft kisses in bed with Eric.

Cam helps him figure out his class schedule for the coming semester and Eric helps him study for the upcoming final exam. In fact, everything is going so smoothly that Jeff watches November blend into the early weeks of December over eggnog lattes from Open Spaces and the ever-present winter chill with a sense of serenity he’s never felt before.

"Hey!" Steven grins via Skype, as he looks around behind Jeff. "You're in a different room again."

"Yeah, I got an upgrade," Jeff grins; he's positive Steven can see both sides of the bed are mussed up and Jeff's wearing a shirt from an OHL team he never played for. "I moved out of my aunt's place," he explains.

"Congrats man," Steven says, smiling wide.

"Yeah, you've been having a good season too," Jeff can't help mentioning.

"It's been the best," Steven agrees. "So Christmas is coming up quick," he says. "Are you going back to Markham or have you decided to stay in Holden Sound?"

Jeff hasn't even considered returning to Markham and his family for Christmas, so the question kind of catches him off guard. It's strange to think how in the span of mere months, he's gone from uncertain and hesitant about his future to having his life mostly figured out.

He probably won't admit it out loud, but he's pretty happy, shacked up in this three bedroom apartment with Eric and Eric's two younger brothers. It sounds stupid, but it may even be the happiest Jeff has been since he took a slap shot in juniors and someone said, "You're good enough for the NHL."

"I don't know what I'm doing," Jeff tells Steven, "because I don't know what my boyfriend has in mind."

"I'm sure whatever it is, it'll be great. I don't get to go back to Ontario at all this winter," Steven says, and he goes off for a while. Jeff smiles at the appropriate times, and when he and Steven finally end their call, he reminds himself to ask Eric whether he plans to visit Thunder Bay for Christmas.

Jeff's final exam goes about as well as he expects; Eric helps him review the entire course in a matter of days and soon Jeff is shaking in the exam room, trying not to freak out too much about the essays that are going to decide whether or not he actually gets into this personal training program he wants to take.

It's easier to breathe when it's over, even if he has to wait for results. He kisses Eric soft and slow in bed one night a few days after, taking advantage of the time they have. For once neither of them has to be awake in the morning for anything related to school, and it's the equivalent of feeling on top of the world to Jeff.

"I want to, you know?" Jeff tells Eric between kisses that night, nuzzling into his neck as he always does. "I want to have sex, I mean," he clarifies, as Eric presses his fingers into the hard muscles of Jeff's back.

"I want to make it good for you," Eric says, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I want to hear you," he adds, and Jeff understands Eric really means he wants to wait until Jordan and Jared are out of earshot. Jeff can live with that.

"So, uh," Jeff says awkwardly, "I was wondering if you have anything planned for Christmas…"

"I was going to ask you about that actually," Eric says as he snuggles closer to Jeff. "Are you planning to visit your family?"

"I don’t think I'll want to see them much," Jeff says pensively.

"How would you like to come to New York with us, and visit Marc?"

"What?" Jeff jerks his head up, startled. "I can't afford a plane ticket to New York, or I would-"

"Jeff, don't worry about it. Marc's making a fucking NHL salary. He can afford an extra plane ticket for you."

"Eric, I can't take that-"

"Just take it as a welcome to the family, okay? My parents are going to be there. We're all going to meet Marc since he can't get the time off to meet us and I’m sure he'll be happy to see you again."

Jeff blushes and squirms until he's cuddled right up to Eric's chest. "Thank you," he says quietly. "You've done so much for me. I don't know how to thank you."

"Don't worry about it," Eric says. Jeff tries to kiss him again and mostly misses because he's smiling too much.

It's a lazy evening in late December, two days before they're due to fly to New York, one of those rare nights they all decided to stay in and watch movies and throw popcorn at each other over mugs of steaming hot chocolate, when Jeff hears from his family again.

There's a knock on the door halfway through American History X. Jordan's the closest, so after a bit of kicking from his brothers he hauls his fat ass off the couch to answer it. "Uh, hi… Jeff, it's for you," he calls over his shoulder and when he steps aside, Jeff can see Alice awkwardly hovering in the doorway.

Jeff reluctantly untangles himself from Eric's arms and crosses the room; nobody invites Alice inside. "What's going on?" he asks as he reaches the door, arms crossed defensively.

"Well, your mother doesn't know how to reach you," she says awkwardly, "so she wanted me to let you know that you should call her."

"Uh, okay," Jeff frowns, confused.

"Here's her number," Alice hands Jeff a piece of paper with his old house telephone number, like Jeff may have forgotten it.

"Thanks," Jeff stares at the paper in his hand, as Alice retreats down the hallway.

"What was that all about?" Jared asks through a mouthful of popcorn as he watches Jeff plop back on the couch.

"My mother wants me to call her," Jeff says quietly, glaring at the piece of paper.

"You can use my phone," Eric says. "I think I left it on the nightstand."

"Better get this over with," Jeff sighs, and wanders into their bedroom. As promised, Eric's phone is sitting on the nightstand. He sighs at it for a minute before he realizes it's not going to dial itself, sucks it up and calls his mother.

She answers on the third ring, her voice sounding cool and collected on the other end of the line. "Hello?"

"Hey," Jeff says quietly. "It's me. Alice said you wanted me to call."

"Yes," she says, her voice growing colder. "I would have called myself but I didn't know where you were. Is this a new number?"

"This is my boyfriend's number," Jeff says, and then cringes as he can hear her whoosh of breath from the other side.

"You have a boyfriend? Is it Steven? That boy has his life together, and is making millions by the year! If it isn’t Steven you should call him up and see if he wants to join us for Christmas."

"I do, and he is definitely not Steven Stamkos, who is too busy to go back to Ontario for Christmas," Jeff says, rolling his eyes. Of course his mother has to rub salt in his wounds and remind him that had he not been injured, he too could be playing for the NHL and making millions by the year.

"That’s a shame about Steven. You better bring that boyfriend of yours home for Christmas, never mind who he is," his mother barks, and Jeff rolls his eyes.

"I am home, mom, and we're going to New York to see his family for Christmas."

"Jeff, if you don't come home for Christmas this year, rest assured you'll never hear from your family again!" His mom threatens, but Jeff doesn't even flinch.

"You know what, Mom? That might work out better for me. You sent me here, so I built a life here. I'm happier now and there really isn't much you can say that will bring me home."

"Your sisters miss you," his mom says but Jeff just sighs, resigned.

"I might be back to visit them one day when I finish school," Jeff says, "but I already promised people I will be in New York for Christmas. If you need me, you can find me at this number."

"Jeff, if you don't come home there won't be a home waiting for you," his mother warns.

"I told you," Jeff spits, "My home is here now." He sighs, and with his last breath, he says, "Take care of yourself," before he hangs up on her without a drop of regret in his veins.

When he walks back into the living room and curls up into Eric's side, nobody asks how the phone call went because his voice surely echoed around the small apartment.

The day before they leave for New York is a Saturday; Jeff and Eric meet up with Cam for a quick Christmas exchange, followed by a session at the rink. "Thanks," Cam guffaws after he unwraps a Lundqvist jersey from Eric, and a collection of mugs custom printed with cat pictures from Jeff.

Jeff has a brand new pair of skates to break in from Cam when they make their way down to the rink. They suit up and hit the ice. Jeff skates lazy loops around the rink, getting used to the feeling of ice under his feet again.

The ice smells crisp and fresh; it's a welcome, familiar feeling that soothes him, especially since his skating has improved so much since he first arrived in Holden. He taps his stick on the ice and Eric lands a pass smoothly on the tape. Jeff rockets one off and it beats Cam's high glove side.

Jeff lets out a loud whoop and when Eric smashes him into a hug he thinks that he's slowly progressing in every aspect of his life. Cam laughs from his crease and Jeff smiles up at Eric, meeting him halfway for a sloppy kiss.

"One day we'll have to take you to the pond," Eric tells him as they leave the rink. "When we get back from New York, if you're feeling up to it. It's gorgeous out there. It's not as smooth, so it might be harder to skate on, but I think you'll love it."

"I know I'll love it," Jeff smiles; dimples explode from his cheeks and his face hurts from how much he's been smiling lately, but when Cam reaches over and cuffs his head lightly Jeff only smiles wider.

Jeff looks down at his knee and thinks it was never a career-ending injury, because he never had a career to end. He knows that whatever the cost, it'd brought him to Holden Sound, which has proved to be a better home than any sheet of ice ever was.

Jeff's built a life on life's terms, since his childhood dream has crashed and burned, but today, he can honestly say he's happy where he's at. When he takes Eric's hand and presses him against the truck into a cold huff of winter breath, he knows he's not the only one.

●●●

Their flight lands in New York on the 19th of December, the day the Rangers return from a vicious loss against the Flyers. Eric rents a car and drives them all to a hotel near Marc's apartment, since he only has one guestroom, already reserved for his parents.

Jeff and Eric's room has a broken TV and a queen sized bed with obnoxiously red bedding. Jeff jumps on it a bit like an overeager kid while Eric methodically puts his things away since they'll be here for a week. "You're being awfully quiet," Jeff says after a minute, leaning his chin on Eric's shoulder as Eric paws through their suitcase.

"I haven't seen my dad since last Christmas," Eric says, straightening up and twisting around to look at Jeff properly. "He's, uh, he's very conservative, and I know he doesn't fully approve of the fact that I'm gay. I've never brought anyone home with me before either, so…"

"It'll be fine," Jeff says, pulling Eric close. "And even if things go to shit, you know I'll still be here, and your brothers will too."

"I hope so, because I feed their sorry asses," Eric's muffled voice sounds from somewhere near Jeff's collarbone.

"Eric," Jeff murmurs, pulling him close. "It'll be great. I'm sure your parents are wonderful." Eric scrunches his face up and frowns.

"They're farmers," he says, and Jeff can't help but laugh.

"There you go. It's just dinner with a couple of farmers. It can't be that bad, right?" Jeff peels himself off Eric and sighs. "Aren't I supposed to be the one freaking out here?"

"Probably," Eric sighs, and flops back onto the bed, leaving the suitcase open and half unpacked. He glances at his phone and sighs. "We're supposed to meet for dinner at six today," he explains to Jeff, who nods.

"That's still three hours away," he says, rolling over and crawling on top of Eric. "Three hours is a long time when we don't have internet or TV."

"Yeah, what do you plan on doing for three hours?" Eric asks teasingly, grabbing Jeff by the hips. Jeff laughs and licks his lips. They're alone in a hotel room; there's plenty he can think of to keep them occupied for three hours.

“I have an idea,” Jeff grins, before closing the space between them. Time blurs into a frantic rush of hands and lips from then on.

"Should I wear a tie?" Jeff asks as they're preparing to leave. They're in the shower together, and Eric is massaging shampoo into his scalp; it feels nice and if he moans a bit, it really isn't his fault.

"Probably," Eric says, guiding Jeff's head under the water to rinse it off. "It's a pretty upscale place. Marc likes food, and since he picked the place it’s guaranteed to be fancy."

"I've never been out to a fancy dinner," Jeff admits. "We went to a kind of nice restaurant when my older sister graduated from law school but even it wasn't that nice since, well, she'd spent all her money on law school."

Eric chuckles appreciatively and tosses a white collared button up at Jeff. "Yeah, well you're going to one now; it's a good thing you have a suit."

"I was a hockey player," Jeff scoffs. "Of course I have a suit."

Jeff's not going to lie, but he's actually pleasantly surprised to find the suit does still fit well. He hasn’t worn it in about a year and he's obviously lost a bit of his hockey bulk since then, but sessions at the gym with Cam really have kept him in shape.

Eric tangles his hand with Jeff's when they leave the room; Jeff tries not to read too much into it- maybe it's because they're in New York now, as opposed to a small town full of gossip mongers looking for dirt on the college English teacher.

Jeff gives his hand a soft squeeze when they meet Jared and Jordan in the lobby; they take one look at Eric, with Jeff at his side, and roll their eyes. "I'm so glad our room is nowhere near yours," Jordan says gleefully as he leads the way out of the hotel toward the rental car.

Jeff is glad he dressed up when he sees the restaurant; there's a valet waiting to take Eric's keys, and the front doors look like the entryway to another realm, one full of high class models and famous faces.

Eric gives the waitress his name and she brings them to a VIP section curtained off from the main area of the restaurant where Marc is seated with his parents, sipping wine and discussing tractor engines.

The nerves Jeff had casually pushed to the side in favor of taking advantage of the hotel room earlier slam into Jeff like a cement mixer. His fingers tremble as he presses himself closer to Eric's side; he doesn't realize he's squeezing Eric's hand until Eric elbows him lightly and says, "I like my fingers, Jeff."

"Sorry," he mumbles, and Eric drops his hand in favor of pressing a palm to the small of his back and guiding him closer to the table.

"This is Jeff," he tells his parents. He doesn't say who Jeff is, and Mrs. "Call me Linda" Staal doesn't ask. Mr. Staal has a straight brow and a firm handshake. Jeff stands stiff and polite next to them until Eric pulls him into a chair next to him with a soft "Oomph," as Jeff teeters back unexpectedly.

Jeff orders a steak and coffee while everyone except for Eric, who's driving, and Jared, who's underage in America, orders more wine. "Not drinking tonight, Jeff? Eric?" Mr. Staal asks, eyeing them across the table.

"I'm driving tonight, dad," Eric says, and everyone else remains pointedly silent because no one wants to be the asshole who points out that Jeff isn't even old enough to drink in Canada, let alone America. Mr. Staal purses his lips but doesn't push.

The conversation stays on safe topics for a long time; they talk about the Rangers and their terrible loss against Philadelphia. Marc offers them all tickets to the upcoming game on Thursday, which they accept. Mr. Staal and Linda talk about the new kids they hired to help on the farm, Jared and Jordan talk about school and Eric talks about teaching.

Jeff listens and laughs at all the appropriate times, but he doesn’t say much until Linda looks at him and asks, "So Jeff, how did you meet Eric?"

"I moved in with my aunt, who lives in the same apartment building as them. I met Jared first, actually, but I ended up hitting it off with Eric," Jeff says, before shoveling mashed potatoes in his mouth so he doesn't have to talk anymore. It doesn't deter Linda though.

"Don't you think you're a bit young for him?" Eric groans, as Jeff flinches. "You're closer to Jared's age, aren’t you?" Jeff doesn't want to say he's two years younger than Jared, but he's sure his baby face betrays him anyway.

Marc barks out a laugh. "Jeff's a baby," he teases, reaching over to ruffle his hair, "but Mom, can we keep him?" Mr. Staal looks like he's about to have an aneurysm, but Linda just laughs.

"Really Mom," Jordan grins, reaching across the table to pinch Jeff's cheeks, "How can you not love this face? I mean, obviously it worked on Eric." Jeff flushes a deep red; he wants to hide his face in Eric's shoulder but he knows that'll bring more ribbing from the brothers.

"So, uhm," Jared interjects as Jordan finally withdraws his hand from Jeff's face, "As happy as I am that Eric isn't going to die alone, can we talk about something else?"

"That's just because Jeff's old news to you," Marc laughs. "You saw it coming from day one, didn't you?" Jared grumbles something under his breath and Jordan rolls his eyes.

"Not like you didn't see it coming from a mile away," he snorts at Marc. "You were in Holden for like, two days before you asked me if Eric was boning the jailbait." Eric lets out a frustrated squawk, and buries his face into his hands.

"Sorry about them," he tells Jeff from the corner of his mouth.

"It's fine," Jeff shrugs. "I mean, I have four sisters, and they'd never pull anything like this. We aren't really close, or anything, so this is… This is good." When Jeff gives Eric a squeeze on the thigh under the table, his whole face relaxes into a smile, and Jeff counts it as a victory.

They manage to make it through dinner with only one spilled bowl of soup and a minor argument between Jordan and his mother about his hair. Jeff gets a bit more ribbing from Jordan and Marc; Linda tries to pry into his personal life a bit, but Jared usually saves him with an abrupt topic change.

It goes well, and when Marc foots the bill, Jeff pointedly doesn't look at the total and enjoys his after dinner mint a hell of a lot more than he normally would.

That night he and Eric lie in bed and stare at the broken TV. "Does it bother you that I’m so young?" Jeff asks suddenly. He's buried in the scratchy hotel sheets, trying not to lie too close to Eric; he knows it's stupid, he knows Eric's been around the whole time but maybe it hadn't ever crossed Eric's mind?

"Jeff," Eric's voice sounds strained, like he's fighting back a thousand words. "Come here," he says, and Jeff rolls over and curls up against him without question. "I know you're young," Eric says, running a hand down his back.

Jeff makes a disgruntled noise and pouts. "Too young though?"

"You know, I used to think you were, before this all happened," Eric says, leaning down to press his forehead against Jeff's. Their breath mingles in a cloud of warmth; Jeff wants to stay here forever, in Eric's arms, but the uncertainty still hovers above his head. "Age is just a number though," Eric says.

"It's an important one," Jeff frowns. "I can't even go out and have a drink with your parents."

"Jared can't drink here either," Eric says pointedly. "It doesn't matter, in the long run," Eric says. Jeff's breath stutters, because he knows now that this is what they're looking at: the long run. Jeff's been thinking about forever, a new life with Eric in Holden, and it's a sudden rush of unexpected comfort to hear that Eric's been thinking the same thing.

"I know you're young, but you're old enough to make your own decisions," Eric says, and suddenly this sounds a lot like a conversation about all the sex they're still not having. Jeff presses forward so his body is flush against Eric's and hums a small noise of approval.

"This is probably going to sound really stupid," he says quietly, "but I want to spend the rest of my life with you in Holden Sound." Eric looks at Jeff, who plasters on his best wide-eyed, innocent face, and Jeff chokes on a gasp when Eric shoves forward and kisses him with an intensity that never existed before.

"You," Eric spits out between kisses, "are going to kill me." Jeff lets out a soft moan as he presses his hips against Eric's.

"I don't know," Jeff says. "I might already be dead; this is too good to be real life." Eric pulls away from Jeff, swallowing a laugh, and Jeff lets out a high pitched whine that does not sound remotely like a puppy, thank you very much.

"You're adorable," Eric teases lightly, leaning in again to nip at Jeff's ear.

"So, you know," Jeff starts, arching closer to Eric's body, "I'm old enough to make my own decisions. You did say that yourself and well, your brothers aren't exactly around right now."

"They better not be," Eric says, moving away from Jeff, and for a second, Jeff thinks he might've completely killed the mood by mentioning Jared and Jordan. Eric however, just leans over to the suitcase, and grabs a pocket-sized bottle of lube and a condom before tossing them onto the nightstand and crawling back to Jeff.

"Oh," Jeff shivers. "So we're doing this, then?"

"Did you not want to?" Eric asks, eyebrow quirking as he slides his hand down the smooth skin of Jeff's side.

"Mmm, yeah, well I won't last that long if you keep doing that," Jeff says, skin flaring hot underneath the touch.

"I'm barely touching you!" Eric laughs, bringing his fingers down teasingly and dipping them into Jeff's boxers.

"What were you saying about barely touching?" Jeff asks as Eric wraps a hand around his cock. Eric hums into his shoulder but doesn't dignify Jeff with a response. For Jeff, time seems to simultaneously speed up and slow down after that.

He can't get enough of Eric's hands on him or the feel of Eric's skin dancing underneath his fingers. The kisses are smooth and gentle with an appropriate amount of tongue and teeth. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion; his hands feel heavy, like cement, and his movements feel stilted.

At the same time, his climax comes too suddenly, bubbling up from nowhere and piercing through his body like a steak knife to the chest. "Fuck, Eric, I'm-" he doesn't get to finish his sentence as he comes with Eric's hands on his dick and lips pressed to his neck.

"God, Jeff," Eric groans, and Jeff flushes, embarrassed.

"Sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Eric asks, turning him over and pulling him into a proper kiss. "I have no doubts that you can go again." Jeff doesn't either, so he just kisses Eric again.

They make out like that for a while, slow and fluid like Eric isn't itching to get off at all, and Jeff knows how to appreciate that. He makes a soft noise of surprise as Eric dips a finger past his cheeks and against his hole without much warning.

"Sorry, hang on a sec," Eric mumbles against Jeff's lips, and reaches over to the nightstand to uncap the bottle of lube. Jeff tenses in his arms, and Eric tries to sooth him with a hand a smattering of feather-light kisses. It kind of works and Jeff sinks back into him as Eric presses his fingers to Jeff's hole again.

"Oh," Jeff gasps out as Eric's finger slides in. He hadn't been sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn't this dull pressure that's perhaps a hair’s breadth away from pain, but not quite pleasure either. It just feels intrusive, honestly.

"Okay?" Eric asks, and Jeff nods. "Just let me know if you want to stop," Eric tells him, and presses another lube-covered finger against his hole. Jeff shifts just the slightest bit, pushing back down on the fingers- Eric crooks them a little and suddenly Jeff feels like he's melting.

"Ah, you, Eric, ugh!" Eric laughs as Jeff bites his shoulder to keep from talking. Eric nudges him back up and kisses him, swallowing every sound that hisses out as Eric presses a third finger in. It's a weird burning sensation, coupled with a despairing amount of pleasure.

Eric hits that spot inside Jeff that makes him kick his legs out and gasp; he pulls away, grinning as he slowly pulls his fingers out. Jeff feels empty, like he's missing a piece of himself. "Did you want to help me out here?" Eric asks, nodding toward the condom on the nightstand, and oh…

Jeff fumbles across the bed; his legs tangle in Eric's as he almost falls face first into the pillows. "Shit, sorry," Jeff swears as he reaches across the bed to grab the condom from where Eric left it.

"Hey, calm down, it's okay," Eric coos, pulling Jeff down with a clean hand for a heartwarming kiss. "Are you good?"

"Yeah, everything's great," he responds as he rips open the package and rolls it onto Eric; he surges forward with a rough kiss, and Jeff loses all coherency soon after.

It feels strange at first, the blunt pressure building up into a painfully slow slide, and Jeff just feels so awkwardly full of Eric's cock that his mind is on overload and he can practically feel the steam coming out of his ears. Then Eric bottoms out and his mind just fizzles out into a map of pleasure, sprawling from the tips of his fingers and toes to his scalp.

"You can go faster," Jeff gasps out. "Please, I can take it," he adds, when Eric actually slows down.

He feels Eric pull back, a slight hesitation in his moves before he slams into Jeff, hard and fast like he's been waiting for this for months. (Okay, he probably has been waiting for this for months.)

Jeff manages to get a hand off Eric’s back and onto himself, his wrist twisted awkwardly between their bodies; he jerks himself off much harder than he usually does, matching Eric's thrusts and rocking back into them instinctively. He comes with Eric buried inside him, gasping his name.

He's trying to put himself back together in his head when Eric comes, his body collapsing heavily on top of Jeff's with a deep moan and a twitch that shakes the bed. He's covered in sweat and bodily fluids, and when he pulls out to tie off and throw away the condom, Jeff ignores the discomfort in lieu of thinking he's never seen someone so beautiful in his life.

Eric cleans him up after, something Jeff finds unexpectedly endearing. "Sleep," Eric tells him, pressing a kiss to his temple and folding himself against Jeff's side. He sleeps.

Jeff wakes up to Eric's fingers tracing down his spine, and a shiver follows it like a water droplet. "Morning," he mutters, yawning and sticking his arms and legs out from the blanket to stretch. The sheets have wound tight around Jeff's limbs in the night, and he fights them for a bit before giving up. Eric chortles and helps him untangle the mess.

"Morning," Eric grins as he finally manages to rip Jeff free from the sheets and pull him flush against his body. It feels too early to be alert and Jeff's dick is definitely more awake than he is.

"Can we just stay in bed all day?" he asks Eric's neck where he's smashed his face comfortably for what feels like the billionth time in the past couple months.

"I wish," Eric sighs, ruffling Jeff's hair and pressing gently on the back of his neck. "We should get up soon though; it's past eleven and we're going to Marc's today.” Jeff lets out a growl, but pulls away from Eric to face the sun filtering through the curtains with a look of disdain.

"When do we have to be ready?"

"Ten minutes ago," Eric shrugs casually, followed by a pounding on the door that has to be either Jared or Jordan. Eric pulls on a clean pair of boxers before yanking the door open and raising his eyebrow at Jordan.

"Ugh," Jordan wrinkles his nose.

"Did you lose at rock paper scissors?" Eric asks, and Jordan nods grimly.

"Jared's getting impatient," he says. "We were supposed to head to Marc's like, right now."

"We should shower and whatever," Eric mumbles, looking behind him to where Jeff is still sprawled sleepy and relaxed over the bed. "We'll be down in the lobby in a bit."

A bit turns into nearly an hour when Eric finds it necessary to blow Jeff in the shower; they scramble into their clothes and out the door. It isn't until they're in the elevator of Marc's apartment that Jared snorts and points at Jeff's shirt. "It's inside out."

Jeff flushes, and there's more frantic scrambling to get him properly dressed while Eric mostly just hides his face in his hands and Jordan laughs. Then they're there, knocking on Marc's door and walking into his tiny two bedroom apartment.

"You're a hockey player, what are you doing living in a place like this?" Jordan jokes.

"I spend all my money on you assholes," Marc reminds him as they all sit around the table where lunch (Linda's home cooking of course) is laid out. It isn't until they eat and are all laying around Marc's living room he corners Jeff and Eric in the hallway.

"How did devirginizing the jailbait go?" he asks Eric, ignoring Jeff even though he's standing _right there_.

"Fuck you, I can hear you, you know," Jeff snaps, but he doesn't pull away when Marc leans over and bumps his shoulder lightly.

Eric stares at Marc for a bit before he settles for a simple, "Great." Marc laughs and shoves Jeff toward Eric.

"I'm taking the parental units out for dinner; I can bring Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum if you guys want to spend the night together or, you know, the next couple days.”

"Thanks," Eric says quietly, and Jeff respectfully looks away when they bro-hug and fist bump like champs.

Jeff and Eric lock themselves away in the hotel room for the next two days; they leave for quiet dates at crowded restaurants where the waitresses look frazzled, and hold hands while walking across Times Square wearing new scarves and winter jackets.

It all just seems so easy; nobody looks at them twice. They find their way to a public rink, rent skates, and laugh at each other while holding hands and twisting their gloved fingers together. Jeff only falls down twice the whole two hours they're on the ice, which is an accomplishment.

Eric buys a bottle of wine and they spend an evening kissing in the hotel bathtub. It sounds stupid; it feels stupid even when Jeff is in the middle of it, but he's living in this blissful state with Jordan and Jared far away, even though he knows when he gets home he's going straight back to cramped quarters and Eric's brothers breathing down his neck.

So Jeff savors every second of their time; he tucks himself permanently into Eric's side, holds his hand for a second too long, and just lets Eric bend him to his liking.

Their seclusion ends all too soon, when on Thursday, Jared pounds on their door. "Get dressed, assholes," he yells. "We're going to an NHL game tonight."

Eric wears a Lundqvist jersey because he's an asshole; Jared wears a Callahan Jersey because he's a respectable player and Jordan wears an Avery jersey because he's asking for a fist to the face. Jeff wears Marc's jersey (one he found conveniently tucked into his backpack after visiting Marc's), and stays quiet the whole way to the arena.

It isn't until he's in their seats that he realizes the Rangers are playing the Lightning and Steven is stretching on the ice, bearing an aura of firm concentration. Jeff wants to get his attention but he doesn't know how, or his phone number off hand.

The game keeps Jeff on the edge of his seat, yelling when both team score, leaving his company confused. Steven scores at the end of the first period, sending Marc sprawling on the ice in front of the net and Jeff laughs too loud, which makes Eric raise an eyebrow his way.

The game goes to a shootout. Jeff bites his nails and taps his thigh nervously. It goes for eleven rounds; Marc misses his shot, and the Lightning player fires one in. The arena sits eerily silent, fuming in its defeat. Linda leads the way to the dressing room exit without a sound; it's a rough loss, with Marc being the last shooter and closest to the net during the Stamkos goal.

While everyone waits for the Rangers to finish up, Jeff slips away with a quick "Bathroom" to Eric, and goes on a hunt for the visitor's dressing room. He finds it easily enough; there isn't a big crowd at the exit, and when Steven exits, he zeroes in on Jeff almost immediately.

"What the fuck man?" he cries, wrapping his arms so tightly around Jeff he finds it hard to breathe. "Why are you in New York?"

"I'm visiting my boyfriend's family," Jeff says, his voice muffled by Steven's suit.

"You're insane," Steven laughs, but then he pulls back and looks critically at Jeff. "You look good, man. You're practically glowing. So did you want to go out and catch up tonight? I mean, I know we can't go to a bar or anything but maybe we can get some food?"

"Yeah," Jeff says, pulling Steven into another hug. "Sure."

Eric comes up behind Jeff as they're chatting, and wraps an arm around his waist. "Hey," he mumbles as Jeff leans into him. "We're about to head out-"

"There you guys are," Marc says, walking over, and then stops to stare at Steven. "Stamkos."

"Staal." Steven responds with a curt nod.

"Play nice," Jeff rolls his eyes. "Steven, this is Eric, my boyfriend, and you've met his brother, I'm sure."

"Oh, you're related to Staal," Steven says, sizing Eric up. "That explains a lot, actually." Eric rolls his eyes.

"Right, well we're going out, but I'll be back later," Jeff tells him, and leans up to give him a quick peck on the lips. It takes all of his willpower not to push it further than that.

"I'm going to get all your dirty secrets out of Jeff," Steven says gleefully, and Eric pales as Jeff laughs his way out the door, arm in arm with Steven.

"Sorry I didn't tell you I'd be around," Jeff says. "I didn't know how to get a hold of you."

"Here," Steven says, pulling a pen from his pocket and leaving his number on a napkin. "Put this in your boyfriend's phone."

"Thanks," Jeff says, slipping it into his pocket. "I'll call more often."

"You better," Steven smiles, and they go on to catch up over late-night waffles and talk about Steven's season. "Eric seems like a nice guy," Steven comments, eyeing Jeff critically like he's waiting for a confession.

"He's good to me, so you can stop giving me that look," Jeff smiles as he nibbles at his chocolate chip waffles. "I mean, he's too good to me, but now that I've got him I'm not going to let him go."

"I'm glad you got it figured out," Steven grins over his plate. "I mean, I was worried I was going to have to give you more advice on your big gay crisis there."

"It wasn't much of a crisis," Jeff admits. "I mean, I still don't know if I'm gay, but I know I like Eric, and in the end I think that's what matters the most."

"I'd hope so," Steven says. "How's your family doing?"

"I don't know," Jeff sighs. "I kind of blew up at my mom not too long before I came here; she said if I didn't go back to Markham for Christmas I'd have nothing to go back to, so it's all up in the air right now."

"Hey, to be honest, I don't think you're really missing out," Steven says. "You sound like you're having a good time over in Holden Sound."

"I don't think I knew how miserable I was until I met Eric," Jeff confesses. 

"I knew," Steven rolls his eyes.

"OF course you did," Jeff teases him lightly. "You know everything." Steven laughs, and grabs the bill from the waitress. 

"You should come visit me in Tampa one day," Steven says as they walk out the door. "I mean, you can even bring that boyfriend of yours, even if he is related to a Ranger."

"It could be worse- he could've actually been a Ranger," Jeff snorts. Steven smiles, and claps him on the back, before hip-checking him into a cab. 

"Go, Jeff. He makes you smile. I like that," Steven says, and Jeff waves as he watches Steven grow smaller and smaller on the sidewalk. When Jeff gets back to the hotel, he feels like for once in his life, he's ready to take on whatever life throws at him next.

●●●

The return to Holden goes quickly. They spend New Year's Eve on the pond; Eric, Cam, Jordan, and Jared go out of their way to make sure there is a full hockey game going and Jeff scores a hat trick for the first time in over a year. He glows as Eric catches him in a bruising kiss full of promise for a long night ahead.

"Why didn't you put yourself in the draft?" Jeff asks him, leaning on his stick. It feels nice, just being on the ice, even though he knows he won't be nearly as good as he used to.

"I wanted to; I was going to at first," Eric says, leaning against a tree and watching Jordan spin in circles on the pond. "Then I sat down and took a good long look at what I wanted from my life, as opposed to what I'd always thought was the only option for me. For Marc, it was easy- he likes the rush of the big city, and gets lost in the cheap thrills that come with it.

"He likes being a small fish in a big pond. I've always been the other way around. I moved to Holden because it was relaxing; here, I can still have everything I love, without the pressure of a lifestyle that gets inflicted on me- I get to make my own decisions. It felt good when my life wasn't riding on whether or not I got drafted."

"You definitely could have made it," Jeff frowns.

"Sometimes you have to live life on life's terms," Eric says, "but sometimes you can make your own too." He steps onto the ice, leaving Jeff standing dumbly next to the tree, wondering how he managed to land himself a relationship with such an amazing man.

It takes him a minute to gather his thoughts but when Eric grins at him from the pond, Jeff races out onto the ice after him, and when he tumbles into Eric's feet, bringing him down too, there are four sets of hands waiting to help him up.

They bring in the New Year with a bottle of expensive champagne in Cam's apartment, watching the televised ball-drops from around the world. "Next year," Eric tells Jeff as Times Square flashes across the screen, "I'll take you there."

"I thought next year you were going to take me home," Jeff grins, and the clock strikes midnight in time for Eric to crash his lips on Jeff's.

"We are home," Eric murmurs against Jeff's ear, and Jeff sinks into his body like a dead weight; he's right, they are home, and there's nowhere else he'd rather be than right here in Eric's arms.

By the second day of the year however, while it feels like winter has just begun, Jeff is already scrambling to fix up his schedule and make sure he actually has time for all five classes he's taking. The minor snags in his learning development from the past year seem to have disappeared, much to his pleasure.

Between homework and Eric's busy schedule (he's teaching five classes this semester), the two of them are kept occupied. They move fluidly around each other now, like water displacement in human form.

Some days are better than others; Jeff's knee still hurts sometimes and Eric still gets frustrated when Jeff doesn't actually want to bone every other night, but it's not a terrible thing and they've learned to work around it.

On a rare Saturday when they both can afford a bit of time, they spend the morning on their usual coffee date with Cam, Ruu tagging along to bug Jeff about his latest assignments. That afternoon they put on a bad romantic comedy and kiss slow and steady on the couch until the popcorn is all on the ground and Jordan throws his arms in the air and leaves the room with his headphones.

"You know," Jared says as he walks in on Eric and Jeff making out on the couch, "Jeff was supposed to be my friend." He crosses his arms and tries to look angry, but Jeff smiles widely up at him and Jared’s expression relaxes into a fond one.

"I wasn't ever going to be your friend," Jeff snorts. "You hit me in the face with a door."

"You did what?" Eric cries, incredulous, his body jerking in shock under Jeff.

Jeff can't help but laugh as he says, "I guess Jared never told you how we met."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this.  
> This is the longest fan work I have ever written and I hope you enjoyed it.  
> All feedback is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Also, have a few pictures.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks again. :3


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